Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Random Thoughts On A Warm Summer's Day

- Why did Barney call Andy "Ange"?
- I have an idea for a sure-fire hit TV show. Remember Hee Haw? It was all about country life, corn-ball skits and jokes, and great music. And I loved it! Well, just flip the premise over on its head, and bring back Hee Haw, only with the hip-hop/rap culture. Seeing Nelly in a straw hat and overalls singing "Where, Where Are You Tonight?" would rule.

-I'm no golfer, but wouldn't golf be better if the sand traps and water hazards were on the greens too? Half the game is played on the green, right? Something needs to be done to make this game more interesting. Or how about using cue sticks on the greens instead of putters?

- I predict the next organs to be transplanted will be teeth. Why haven't we done this yet? We've been harvesting other things for years.

- Why was the train in the song "The Gambler", sung by Kenny Rogers, "bound for nowhere"? How do you get on a train like that? Who's ever gone to the train station and seen "Nowhere" as a destination? And can you get on a plane bound for nowhere?

- I want to write a book. I have lots of good ideas (for me, at least). How do I get started? I'm afraid to ask somebody because I'm afraid they'll steal my ideas while I'm trying to figure it all out.

- How did we figure out it was oxygen that our bodies needed when we breathe? Did we strap people in chairs with gas masks over them? And then pump each individual full of a different gas? Therefore the last man alive was breathing the "good stuff".

- Why are a lot of people offended by the word "piss"? The word "pisseth" is in my KJV bible in the books of 1 Samuel, 1 Kings and 2 Kings.

- I don't think the Beach Boys would have been as popular if, instead of "Help Me Ronda", they wrote "Help Me Coco".

- If someone writes a post, but there is no one visiting to read it, does it really exist?

- When I was growing up it was fashionable to talk to plants. It was supposed to make them thrive. So now, whenever I'm driving by a cornfield, I roll down the windows and yell "GO CORN!"

- What is the difference between straw and hay?

- I used to love pork chops, until I began to recognize the vertebrae and spinal cord in this particular cut of meat. Now I eat them, but try not to look.

- I thought Cloris Leachman was dead. And James Arness. Thank God for
Who's Alive and Who's Dead! Now I know they're not. And how else would I know Miss Kitty died of AIDS.
- Here's a creepy thought- what if flies were the size of dogs? Or spiders? Ooooooh- I just got a chill.

- What's a better super power- being able to fly or being more powerful than a steaming locomotive? For me, it's flight.

- Chris Farley is my favorite all time SNL'er. I watched "Tommy Boy" the other night and laughed like I did the first time I saw it. The deer in the car is classic. Even though they sort of repeated this gag with the bat in the cabin in "Black Sheep", I think the bat scene is even funnier. For some reason I think Chris's comedy was like "The Three Stooges" in that it appeals mostly to guys. My wife doesn't get it.

- I can't take credit for this thought, but I am repeating it because it is a good one. One of the radio chicks this morning made a good point- in the summer, just give me the heat index, not the temperature. Because if it feels like it's 110, then I don't care if the temperature is only 99. Because my body thinks it's 110.
- And on another weather note, why don't we have wind chill factors this time of year? I think it would be funny to hear someone say something like, "the heat index is 105 with a wind chill of 104.
- WARNING- THE FOLLOWING THOUGHT IS NOT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED:
When we get sick, our stool sometimes turns to liquid. We call it diarrhea, right? Well, how come when we're sick, if this happens to our stool, why doesn't our urine ever turn to solid?
- Dittos to what I said above about Chris Farley and apply that to the Sklar brothers. ESPN Classic's "Cheap Seats" is hilarious- if you're a guy. I have yet to meet a guy who doesn't love that show. And yet my wife hates it. Are there any females who feel differently?

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