Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Random Thoughts On A Hot Summer's Day
- The first time I saw the Seinfeld episode dealing with "shrinkage", I couldn't believe my ears. Never before, or after, have I seen two men discuss such things. And yet, all we men knew exactly what they were talking about. It's one of those unwritten things with being a guy that is just understood.
- What is up with those BK Stackers commercials? I mean, I thought we were supposed to live in an age of tolerance and understanding. These commercials are far from that...unless you think using midgets to make hamburgers look huge and pushing the little people around are still okay concepts.
- Because we live in the space age, I propose we put the phrase "off her rocker" to pasture, and use the phrase "off her rocket" instead.
- Have you seen the commercials for the new Sudafed breather tablets. You drop these things in the shower, and the vapors slowly are emitted in the steam (they assume everyone takes hot showers) to be breathed in by the sickly individual. Sort of like how a gas chamber would work. I'd just like to know what Nazi at Sudafed got his kicks developing these things.
- Former major league baseball player Antonio Alfonseca has six fingers on each hand. And six toes on each foot. My questions are as follows:
1) Since he technically has no middle finger, isn't it impossible for him to give someone "The Bird?"
2) How does he go about naming his fingers? The thumb is easy. I get that. The pinky also. But exactly which is the index finger, which is the "ring" finger, and is there an official name for the extra fingers? If not, then I propose officially calling that extra finger "The Mad Hatter Finger". Then I wouldn't have to say Alfonseca has six fingers. That makes him sound kinda weird. All that you'd have to say is "that guy has a Mad Hatter's Finger", and everyone would know what you meant.
3) Same problem comes up in the "piggy game" with a kid with six toes. Who's who and who's eating what?
- I love the Poles. Looks like fun, right ladies?
- In English past tense, why do we say grew for grow and blew for blow, but not mew for mow? And why do we use flew as past tense for fly, instead of saying flowed, like Dizzy Dean would say?
- Would we still ride horses if, instead of hooves, they had claws? And if we would, then why don't we ride bears? Same difference.
- There are roads made of brick in my city that have got to be approaching 100 years old. So how come we don't make roads out of brick anymore?
- Is there anything more lame than those bicycles that allow you to lay down while pedaling? Look, you don't have to stand up to exercise. But if you're too darned lazy to at least sit up to exercise, then just give it up. And these things fly so low to the ground, they're very difficult to see while driving. It's like a kid with his Big Wheel, only he's riding it in the street.
- Who can dispute that Peter was the number one Brady? His antics are legendary. His famous football fling into Marcia's grill. His volcano splattering a bunch of stuck up chicks. His voice cracking and changing. His wearing a mustache and pretending to be Greg's friend to date an older chick. Classic stuff.
- I would love to see the Sporting News, which has power rankings in almost every sport, branch out into the military. I like to seem them do the "World Power Rankings". Here's how my "poll ballot" would look if I ranked the world's militaries for the week of 8/1/06:
1. Coalition of the Willing.
4. Axis of Evil.
- Trees should be smack-dab in the middle of the fairways on a golf course. It would take at least 18 strokes off of our golf games. Because all us amateurs could just aim for the tree in the middle of the fairway, assuring that our ball will hook or slice to the side in safety.
- Celebrity news- I was one of those people who was not a social outcast in high school, but neither did I really care what the "popular" kids were doing or saying. The same now. I had, and have, my group of friends, and that's just fine. But the sad thing is, the pathetic kids who cared desperately about the popular kids grew up to write and read celebrity newspapers and television shows. Who else would care about Bennifer, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt's baby, or all that other trash the rest of us don't give a hoot-in-hell about?
- Is it possible to swear using a false deities name and not commit a sin? If I say "Dalai-lama-damnit", I have not taken the name of the Lord in vain. But then again, since Z is a false god, is it really swearing? Hmmm...
- I want to do what this guy did, only do it with my tax return in 2007.
- I am in favor of legislation outlawing multiple spellings of the name Sherry, or Sheri, or Sharri, or Shari, or Sherri, or Cherry, or Cherri, or Cheri, or whatever. Let's all just pick a spelling and go with it.
- I need to take a station break. Some would call it preparing for an exam. So I won't be posting the next few days. But I'll be back soon.