Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Terror Alerts I'd Like To See

These are serious times, but occasionally you have to sit back and laugh at your situation.

I think that's the idea behind the Sesame Street Terror Levels. I know the good Aardvark keeps this up to date, and Des Moines Girl just posted about this. It goes like this:



But it's been a few years since these levels were introduced. I think it is time to retire them in favor of other totally useless, dumb and superficial terror levels. Which brings us to today's theme...

TERROR ALERTS FOR THE POST LIQUID BOMB ERA.

1= Severe, corresponds to there being big trouble.
2= High, corresponds to the potential for big trouble.
3= Elevated, corresponds to being highly alert.
4= Guarded, corresponds to being cautious.
5= Low, corresponds to everything being right with the world.


Spokespeople.
1= Mr. Salty. (When this tough guy is around, there can't help but be trouble)
2= Mr. Peanut. (Don't let his refined demeanor fool you)
3= Cheetohs Cheetah
4= Sugar Bear.
5= Tony The Tiger.


The Ted Kennedys.
1= Homicidally Negligent Teddy. (Chappaquiddick?)
2= Philanderer Teddy.
3= Alcoholic Teddy. (Nothing says yellow alert like a jaundiced cirrhotic)
4= Fat Teddy.
5= Young Teddy.


Green Acres Characters.
1= Mr. Haney.
2= Oliver.
3= Eb.
4= Lisa.
5= Arnold.


Leave It To Beaver Characters.
1= Eddie Haskell. (Synonymous with trouble)
2= Lumpy.
3= Beaver.
4= Wally.
5= Ward.


St. Louis Cardinals.
1= Jason Isringhausen.
2= Tony LaRussa.
3= Jimmy Edmonds.
4= David Eckstein.
5= Albert Pujols.


Real Men Of Genius Commercials.
1= Mr. Chinese Food Delivery Guy.
2= Mr. All You Can Eat Buffet Inventor.
3= Mr. Really Bad Toupee Inventor.
4= Mr. Restroom Toilet Paper Refiller.
5= Mr. Athletic Groin Protector Inventor.

Candy Bars
1= Heath.
2= Almond Joy.
3= Mounds.
4= Payday.
5= Milky Way.


And yes, it is true, I have squandered most of the time God has given me on this Earth.

8 comments:

Marie N. said...

Lol!

Love the Kennedy's and the Real Men levels. Very nice!

Scottius Maximus said...

Hey, MarieN!

Thank you. You're very kind.

Des_Moines_Girl said...

I have to agree - the Kennedy one was pretty durn funny!

Thanks for the nod! Glad you like my post. My philosophy is you have two choices in life - laugh or cry. I'd rather find the funny and laugh.

Dan @ Necessary Roughness said...

There should be one with musicals:

1. West Side Story
2. Phantom of the Opera
3. The Music Man ("We got trouble in river city")
4. Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat (or maybe this was more suited for Red/Orange/Yellow alert?)
5. Les Miserables

TKls2myhrt said...

You crack me up! The Ted Kennedy thing is a classic...you should send it to Rush. I also like the Leave it to Beaver one. There's already trouble when Eddie's around...oops, you already said that. I bet Lucy could come up with a chart based on Lucy episodes! The one about working at the chocolate factory would have to be the red alert.

Scottius Maximus said...

Hey DMG!

I'd rather laugh, too. Thanks for stopping back by and taking the time to comment.

Scottius Maximus said...

Hey Dan@NR!

You're not going to believe this, but I nearly did the EXACT one you suggested. It came to mind in the shower yesterday, and was going to add it in, but by the time I posted this I had forgotten about it. I was going to do Broadway Shows:
Grease, Man of La Mancha, Cats, Pippin, and Fiddler On The Roof.

Thanks for correcting my negligence.

Scottius Maximus said...

Hey TK!

Lucy definitely NEEDS to be done, but since I'm not the Lucy expert in the family, I'll leave that to someone else [HINT, HINT, Luce?].

TK, perhaps you could come up with levels based on bad puppy behavior.