JRR Tolkien Exposed

Some believe The Lord Of The Rings is a Christian allegory. I believe it is a baseball allegory, and that Tolkien was actually a donut-eating baseball-beat sportswriter who daydreamed a little too much.

I mean, think about it. There are so many similarities. Everyone's after "The Ring" in both LOTR and in baseball, right? Coincidence? I think not.

Sauron obviously represents the New York Yankees organization. Evil to the core, incredibly powerful, ruthless in pursuit of being THE almighty force of the world, and darn near unstoppable every year. When I saw that "eye" in the movie, I never new who modeled it, but I wondered. Well, get the extended version DVD with all the extras, and you'll see. "The eye" was played by none other than George Steinbrenner.

The Orcs represent Yankee players and fans. There are millions of them. Ugly and obnoxious, every one. The rest of humanity would like them to go away, but only a strong army (code: team) can keep the ring from falling in to their hands, and subsequently, the "eye" of Steinbrenner.

Saruman is obviously Randy Johnson. He was on the side of good for awhile, a "wizard" on the mound. But his trip to the dark side began with a thirst for winning it all. Not wanting to play for a team he signed a contract with, he wanted to be a part of a team that could fulfill his desires in the time he had left. He had to know that only one organization on the planet could afford to pay him what he deemed himself to be worth, and on that thought the betrayal to the dark side, to the Yankees occurred.



Gollum, or Smeagol if you prefer, was a reference to the Boston Red Sox. You see, a long, long time ago, the ring was in his power, just like the Red Sox of the early 20th century. But he lost it. And he (they) was tormented by it, and wanted it back. But only at the price of losing himself, his soul. Which is exactly what has happened to the Red Sox in 2004. They won it back last year, but this has been at the cost of their soul, their identity. The Red Sox are now just another ball club. There is nothing special about them any more. And they will hold the ring only briefly, falling in to the lava pit of a 2005 season nightmare.

The Hobbits are obviously Tolkien's reference to the Chicago Cubs and their fans. They are loveable, harmless, and no real threat to anyone. But you get a kick out of their antics and shenanigans.


So where do the Cardinals appear in Lord of the Rings? Funny you should ask.

Gandalf is most certainly Walt Jocketty. Prescient and wise, he guides his armies to victory by infusing them with talented yet decent and likable sorts.


If you get the LOTR extended version DVD, there is a segment about Legolas, the elf who is quite athletic, quick, and acrobatic. Now, who does that sound like? Of course. The character of Legolas is none other than Jim Edmonds, who plays himself in the movie by the way. A lot of people think special effects were used in the 3rd movie when Legolas was manuvering his way on the acromegalic elephant. Well, that was just Edmonds being Edmonds, and is actual footage. It's just hard to recognize him with the long hair and without the eye-black.


Gimli. He has quite a beard, doesn't he. Say hello to Matt Morris, if you will please.

The Cardinals team can only be the Elves. They represent goodness and honor and all that is right with the baseball world.

And the king? Well, we all know who that is:



Still think Tolkien wrote a Christian allegory? Get a life. And watch some baseball. The season is starting.