Friday, June 30, 2006

Just You And Me, Kid

Samson Scott

Yeah, that's right. It'll probably be the story of two delinquents.

You see, it's just Sam and me for the next 8 days. Lutheran Lucy and Son Of Maximus are on their way to Colorado to visit family.

Leaving our home in the hands of a dog and an ape. He's almost 3, and I'm almost 43. Hopefully they will arrive back home before we rip the house to shreds.

By the way, I was about to arrive at my 16th birthday when this movie came out in 1979. Brooke Shields was supposed to be the next big thing. Guess that didn't quite work out.

Anyway, one of the most awkward moments of adolescence was walking up to the ticket counter at the multi-screen theater and saying, "Just You And Me, Kid", to the attendant. Somehow, someway, whoever penned the title to this movie just had to know this was going to be so.

Just pray for us. Those of us on the road and those of us at home.

Back To The Future

I love the website Ballparks of Baseball. It has old park pictures. It has current park pictures.

Perhaps the most interesting "pictures" are those of ballparks that have yet to exist. The future ballparks, if you will.

Right now, they have artist's renderings (one of my favorite expressions) of how the proposed parks will look.

I've taken the time to rank them on their beauty and uniqueness, based on these renderings. The truly great thing about this is that there's still time to change the looks.

New Busch Stadium

Since I am thoroughly qualified to be a new stadium critic with what we've been through with St. Louis, I'm offering my opinions. And since I'm quite sure the powers of the Major Leagues monitor this website, I thought some feedback from me was important.

There are currently six teams that have committed, or are darn close to committing, to new parks:
A's, Marlins, Twins, Mets, Yankees, and Nationals.

So here's how I think they're doing so far, ranked from #6 to #1.

6. Marlins.

What the heck is this thing supposed to be? The top picture looks like the "Starduster" from my all-time favorite cartoon, "Space Angel". I guess that it is some sort of retractable roof thing that moves from the football to baseball stadium. Who drew up these plans- Uncle Larry's Architecture and Siding Company?

5. Mets.

What kind of futuristic sport is this thing supposed to support? Roller-ball? You know that retro-pastural-ballpark-look there you were after, Metropolitans? This ain't it.

4. Twins.

Nothing wrong with this. Just nothing obviously unique. And if you're going to spend hundreds of millions of dollars, at least get a little creative. But this is a big improvement from what they have now.

3. Nationals.

Again, nothing wrong with this. Just no unique-ity. At least the roof kind of looks a little RFK-like, so I score it some points for tying in to the previous home.

2. A's.

This would definitely be the most unique looking ballpark in baseball. Some might not like it, but I think it is very cool. And it seems to fit the A's and Oakland. I love the A shaped seating arrangement in left field. And I love the enclosed feel to it. This is what a new ballpark should do- be uniquely fitted to its team and town.

1. Yankees.

Of course, the Yankees would have the best of everything. The renderings of this stadium are stunningly beautiful.

Feel free to rearrange this list as you see fit.

Of course, you'd be wrong.

How Appropriate

Check out this photo of Albert Pujols home run last Friday night against Detroit, his second game since returning from the DL. Now, tell me that whoever does the adverstisements behind home plate didn't know what he was doing.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Dear Readers, I Pose To You Some Tough Questions

"Hiya, folks."- California Rat

I was driving to the hospital today listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio. What I heard made me come unhinged with laughter. Fortunately the tears that formed in my eyes did not cause an accident. I still am laughing as I write this.

I don't mean to belittle animal cruelty in any way. This is not my intention. I am laughing at the way this article is written, the choices of words used, and the sheer absurdity of it all.

Please read this article and answer the following questions:

1) What, or who, are rat "lovers"?

2) What, or who, are rat "fanciers"?

3) "Rat lobby"?!!! I know we've reached the end of civilization if there is a "rat lobby" in this country.

4) Explain the logic of the statement, ""We euthanized all of the adults except the ones we have to keep on quarantine because they bit staff...".
Shouldn't those rats have been the first to "go down"?

5) What the hell does the statement "the rat community was in the process of mobilizing" mean? RAT COMMUNITY?!!! Does such a thing even exist? And who belongs to it?

6) Is it really necessary to put the following statement in this article?
The rat fanciers, she said, are not being rational. "

7) The perp, who was a convicted armed robber, mind you, "didn't seem like a bad guy" to the city's Animal Services Manager.

8) Was the following paragraph necessary to the story?
"He's an intelligent man to talk to, but he smells like rat urine," Tavares said. "He told me that when he had only 100 of them he'd let them sleep with him in his bed. They'd get all in his shorts and stuff. And you can't potty train them, so you know they were urinating and defecating in there."

Let's revoke this reporter's credentials, folks. I've never seen crap like this put out.*

*Well, except on this blog.

Know How I Know It's Summer?





When the tar starts bubbling from the heat, summer has started. I saw this phenomenon yesterday.

Ahhh. I remember those care-free days of youth, popping tar bubbles on our neighborhood roads. I guess if my mother ever told me not to play in the street, I never paid any attention.


Certain songs one hears are associated with certain memories. Sort of like a soundtrack.

I also believe certain odors one smells will bring back memories. Sort of like an "odortrack".

Such as:
- Asphalt always reminds me of 1st grade, because when I started 1st grade the playground at my school was being asphalted.

- There's a perfume that will always remind me of my grade school teachers. I don't know what it is called, but I know it when I smell it. Thankfully, all of my grade school teachers were women, or I'd really be messed up.

- Leather always reminds me of my first new baseball glove.

- Certain plastics remind me of Christmas mornings, when a very distinctive odor when emanate from all the new toys. No doubt all were found to be carcinogens.

- Wood reminds me of shop class in 7th grade.

- Wet towels remind me of gym class.

- Fresh cut grass reminds me of my grandpa's yard that took 2-3 hours to mow each week. At least he had a John Deere to ride.

- Diesel fuel exhaust reminds me of Six Flags amusement park. I'm not sure why. It also reminds me of the airport.

- Cigarette smoke reminds me of Busch Stadium.

- Cigar smoke reminds me of my grandparent's house.

- Pipe smoke reminds me of my next door neighbor when I was young.

There's one smell I miss that I think is gone forever. That would be the mighty mimeograph paper.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

All Eyes Fall...

To the Gateway City this week.

Why? Because the Indians are in town to play the Cardinals.

Which means two of the worst relievers in the majors have a chance to duke it out to see who can vomit up a game in the most spectacular way.

In this corner...Jason Isringhausen of the Cardinals.

In the far corner...Guillermo Mota of the Indians.

Hat tip to Indians fan Barb The Evil Genius for pointing out the misery-inducing Mota. The carnage factor in this series makes it interesting to watch.

Monday, June 26, 2006

That Jimmy Buffett Sure Is A Good Guy

Such were my thoughts a couple of days ago when I read the Drudge Report and saw the headline:
"Buffett To Give Away His Fortune."

Then I realized it wasn't Jimmy, but tycoon Warren.

Still, a nice thing to do.

Then I find out that he is giving his billions to...Bill Gates.

Now, I know I'll never be in a position to give away billions of dollars, but...

Don't you think it's a little ironic that the 2nd richest guy in the world is giving his fortune to the richest guy in the world?

Does anyone else see the comedy here? I mean, he has $37,000,000,000 to give away. He can give it to anyone, anywhere, that he desires.

That's 37 with 9 zeroes. And all he can think of to do with it is give it to one guy? A guy who has an even bigger numeral in front of his 9 zeroes?

What's up with this? There are thousands of charities out there. And he's going to give it all to Bill Gates Foundation?

I'll never understand this world.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Scottius Maximus Word Of The Month

For June, the word is kook.

I just love the way that word sounds. Say it a few times to yourself (not too fast, though) and see if you don't feel like you're going to get the giggles.

Kook kook kook kook kook kook.

Hey, listen, if you're at work reading this, do me a favor. Click here, and you'll hear the word pronounced. Turn up the volume and click the link repeatedly. Watch others strain to see what you're up to.

From Webster's Online Dictionary:
Main Entry: kook
Pronunciation: 'kük
Etymology: by shortening & alteration from
one whose ideas or actions are eccentric, fantastic, or insane : SCREWBALL"

Let's use it in a sentence.

"I suggested to our pastor that instead of saying 'Amen', we end our prayers with 'Giddyup', and he looked at me like I was a kook."

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Measure Of A Man

Don't worry. DEFINITELY nothing deep with this post.

What are my measurements? As in, what are my favorite units of measure?

I put a few hours of thought in to this, give or take. I can't even remember how I got so far off track as to start thinking such thoughts. But I did, none the less.

First of all, with a science background, I am partial to the metric system. To me it is flawless. There is an orderliness to it. Everything seems to fit with perfection. Therefore, I declare the metric system as more "Godly".

The English system...well, it's sinister. Its chaotic randomness is surely in league with the devil himself. Sixteen of these make one of those...twelve of these make one of this...three of this...And a peck? What the heck is up with that? Fathom? Fathom this, baby!

Shoot, we even have two different measures for a mile, one for land and one for sea. As if that should make a bushel of beans difference.

Check out this lineup and tell me if you know what the heck any of it means:
A "stone" of coal?
A "stone" of wool? (They ain't the same thing)

A "load" of straw?
A "spindle" of thread?

A "barrel" of butter?
A "barrel" of flour? (Ain't the same thing)

The first time I started looking for firewood, someone asked me how many "cords" I wanted. I thought to myself, I'll need at least a couple to keep it secure.

Did you know the US gallon is based on the "Queen Anne" gallon, whatever that is? It's 231 cubic inches.

Do you see what I'm saying? 231 cubic inches? 231? What is that? When did 231 become an important number for anything? Was "Queen Anne" insane?

Did you know there is an English unit of volume measurement called the "Pottle"? That's right, Pottle. It's two quarts. That's a half-gallon, folks.

I dare you to go to the supermarket next week and ask the dairy man for a pottle of milk.
"Excuse me, sir, I need a pottle of milk."
"Well take a look, we have all kinds of bottles, sir. What size were you needing?"

Quart is about the only thing in the English system that makes sense.

How insane were the English, anyway? Monty Python's crew couldn't have made up anything as good as this mess.

At any rate, here are my favorite measurements, in English and Metric.

Favorite length
English- The "Yard"
Metric- The "Centimeter"

Favorite volume
English- The "Quart" (yes, I even prefer it to the mighty liter)
Metric- The "Milliliter"

Favorite weight
English- The "Ton"
Metric- The "Kilogram"

Monday, June 19, 2006

Ladies And Gentleman...

We have a unanimous decision.

Judge Common Sense scores it 15-0.
Judge Prudence scores it 15-0.
Judge Sagacity scores it 15-0.

The winner...THE RED ROBOT, Rita Cosby.

In case you've missed it, the most "intelligent" man on MSNBC, Keith Olbermann, has been sending E-mail responses to viewers who write to him, some of which contain disparaging remarks about fellow MSNBC personality Rita Cosby.

But he doesn't stop there. Some E-mails are about his superiors.

How dumb does one have to be in this day and age to E-mail people one doesn't know? And how much dumber than that does one have to be to say bad things about those one works with and those who pay one's salary? Could one be so stupid as to possibly believe the E-mails wouldn't surface publicly? Or could one be so stupid as to intentionally have the E-mails discovered, just to create a lame buzz?

If Rita Cosby is dumber than a suitcase of rocks, then Keith Olbermann is "more stupider" than a bag of nails.

Friday, June 16, 2006

I Can Only Conclude One Thing From This Resolution

There is an underground Baptist movement to start manufacturing, advertising, distributing and consuming alcoholic beverages.


Because, according to World Magazine's Blog...
"During their national convention, Southern Baptists took the time to address two huge pressing theological issues - beer and blogs. The convention passed a resolution in 'total opposition to the manufacturing, advertising, distributing and consuming of alcoholic beverages.'"

Logically, the only reason it would be necessary to spend time passing such a resolution is if Baptists are spending a lot of time in those pursuits.

Oh, dear Baptist brothers...Baptist Beer (or better yet, Baptist Brewski) has such a ring to it, I'm surprised nobody has come up with the idea yet.

How about just sticking to preaching the gospel and baptizing people?

And, by the way, with all the talk about beverages, you're making me thirsty.

Too Much Time On My Hands

And it's tickin' away, t-t-t-tickin' away from me.

"There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word — from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?"

Click here for the answer.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Ripley's- Believe It Or Not

Has anyone else noticed that Jason Isringhausen has not blown a save in over a week? Despite giving up one run in the ninth and having the tying run on 3rd before getting the final out last night?

Well, we here at Scottius Maximus Investigations take such intrigue very seriously. As in asking the question, what's up? And we've discovered the answer.

You'll not see this published anywhere else out there on the internet. Why I don't know, probably because conspiracy theorists don't care about such things. But it seems our hero was paid a visit recently by a "motivational speaker."

Our sources have placed in our hands a nice little videotape, which transcript is provided here:

(Scene: The Dugout at Busch Stadium)
Tony LaRussa: Jason! Jason! Come here!
Jason Isringhausen: WHAT?!!!
TLR: Jason, I'm so glad you've decided to join us for this little discussion. I don't have to tell you that we've all been a little disappointed in your performance lately. We know you've been wondering what to do. And Dunc and I have decided that what you need is a little direction, a little pick me up, if you will.
Izzy: (Suspiciously) Yeah...what have you got in mind?
TLR: Well, Dunc and I have talked it over and we've brought in a motivational speaker to talk to you. Now he's been out in the bullpen for the past 4 hours pounding iced cappucino and Mt. Dews. He's used to speaking to larger audiences, so cut him a little slack, huh?
Izzy: (Rubbing his head) You kiddin'?
TLR: Just make him feel at home, alright...Hey, Matt, come on in, we're ready for ya...Now his speech is called "Go For It", so we'd appreciate it if you'd just hear him out.
(Matt Foley storms in to the dugout from the top steps)

Matt: Alright, how's everybody? Good, good, good...Now as your manager probably told you, my name is Matt Foley and I AM a motivational speaker. Let's start by me giving you a little scenario of what my life is all about...I am 35 years old...I am divorced...and I live in a VAN down by the river!

Now you're probably thinking to yourself that I'm going to go out on that mound and grab the world by the tail and win all kinds of awards...but I'm here to tell you that as you go through this little career of yours you're probably not going to amount to JACK SQUAT! Your going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a VAN down by the river!
Now young man, what do you want to do with your career?
Izzy: Well, Matt, actually, I just kind of actually want to be best closer in the game of baseball.
Matt: Well now...LAH-DEE-FRICKIN' DAH! (Walks over to LaRussa) Hey Tony, I can't see real well, that Bruce Sutter over there?
TLR: Actually Matt, we are trying to encourage Izzy in his pitching.
Matt: Tony, I wish you'd just shut your big YAPPER!
Now from what I've heard, Izzy, you've been yacking up more games than you've been saving, haven't ya? Well, you'll have plenty of time to blow up the game in the 9th inning for your team're living in a van down by the river!
Now you're probably asking yourself, "Hey, Matt, how can I get back on the right track!" Well as I see it there is only one solution- and that is for me to get my gear and move it on in here...'cause I'm going to bunk with you buddy. WE'RE GOING TO BE BUDDIES, WE'RE GOING TO BE PALS! Old Matt's going to be your shadow. Here's Izzy, here's Matt. There's Izzy, there's Matt
(Matt crashes in to the bench and breaks it)

WHOOPS! Whoops-a-daisy. We're going to have to clean that up I'm going to go get my stuff out of the bullpen.
TLR: Uh, Matt, that's okay, you don't have to do that, thanks for all you've done!

Matt: Tony, I'm movin' in... I'm sick and tired of living in a VAN down by the river! (He exits)
TLR: Okay, let's get out of here...everyone to the bus.
Izzy: I swear, Tony, I'll never blow another save ever again...just keep that guy away from me.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I Guess This Is Some Proof Patton Was Wrong

One of my favorite movies was Patton. At the beginning of the movie, he gives a great speech in front of a humongous American flag to his soldiers. It's full of classic lines, but the one I am challenging today is this one:

"Americans love a winner...and will not tolerate a loser."

Wanna bet, George?

Tolerate a loser? Heck, we don't even care. The good ole USA lost a soccer match in the World Cup yesterday 3-0...and nobody gives a rat's tail. Including me.

So I guess there are exceptions to every rule.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Holy Trinity Sunday

Named after church father Athanasius, who helped write the Nicene Creed in defense of the doctrine of the Holy Trinity against heresy, the Athanasian Creed is a statement of beliefs that expresses who God, the true and triune God, is. We believe it is an expert summary, if you will, of who the God of the Bible is and what the Bible's 66 books teach. Doubters and heretics, conspiracy theorists and gnostics, and the devil himself, continue to attack the doctrine of the Holy Trinity. But due to its truth, it still stands.


Whoever will be saved shall, above all else,

hold the catholic faith.

Which faith, except everyone keeps whole and undefiled,
without doubt he will perish eternally.
And the catholic faith is this,
that we worship one God in three persons
and three persons in one God,

neither confusing the persons

nor dividing the substance.

For there is one person of the Father,

another of the Son,

and another of the Holy Spirit.

But the Godhead of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit is all one:

the glory equal, the majesty coeternal.

Such as the Father is, such is the Son, and such is the Holy Spirit.

The Father uncreated,

the Son uncreated,

and the Holy Spirit uncreated.

The Father incomprehensible,

the Son incomprehensible,

and the Holy Spirit incomprehensible.

The Father eternal,

the Son eternal,

and the Holy Spirit eternal.

And yet there are not three eternals

but one eternal.

As there are not three uncreated nor three incomprehensibles

but one uncreated and one incomprehensible.

So likewise the Father is almighty,

the Son almighty,

and the Holy Spirit almighty.

And yet they are not three almighties

but one almighty.

So the Father is God,

the Son is God,

and the Holy Spirit is God.

And yet there are not three gods;

but one God.

So likewise the Father is Lord,

the Son Lord,

and the Holy Spirit Lord.

And yet they are not three lords

but one Lord.

For as we are compelled by the Christian truth to acknowledge every person by himself

to be both God and Lord,

So we cannot by the catholic faith

say that there are three Gods or three Lords.

The Father is made of none, neither created nor begotten.

The Son is of the Father alone, not made nor created;

but begotten.

The Holy Spirit is of the Father and of the Son, neither made nor created nor begotten

but proceeding.

So there is one Father, not three Fathers;

one Son, not three Sons;

one Holy Spirit, not three Holy Spirits.

And in this trinity none is before or after another;

none is greater or less than another;

But the whole three persons

are coeternal together and coequal,

so that in all things, as is aforesaid,

the Unity in Trinity

and the Trinity in Unity is to be worshiped..

He, therefore, that will be saved is compelled thus to think of the Trinity.

Furthermore, it is necessary to everlasting salvation

that he also believe faithfully the incarnation

of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For the right faith is

that we believe and confess

that our Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God,

is God and man;

God of the substance of the Father,

begotten before the worlds;

and man of the substance of his mother,

born in the world;

Perfect God and perfect man,

of a reasonable soul and human flesh subsisting.

Equal to the Father as touching his Godhead,

and inferior to the Father as touching his manhood;

Who, although he is God and man,

yet he is not two but one Christ.

One, not by conversion of the Godhead into flesh,

but by taking the manhood into God;.

One altogether,

not by confusion of substance,

but by unity of person.

For as the reasonable soul and flesh is one man,

so God and man is one Christ;

Who suffered for our salvation;

descended into hell;

rose again the third day from the dead.

He ascended into heaven;

he sits at the right hand of the Father, God Almighty,

from whence he will come to judge the living and the dead.

At whose coming all men will rise again with their bodies

and will give an account of their own works.

And they that have done good will go into life everlasting;

and they that have done evil,

into everlasting fire.

This is the catholic faith which

except a man believe faithfully and firmly, he cannot be saved."

Friday, June 09, 2006

How'd It Taste?

Heard this song on the radio today, and it made me think of Wednesday night's news.

Toby Keith is so cool.

"Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue (The Angry American)
(Toby Keith)
©2002 Tokeco Tunes (BMI)

This was written a few days after the September 11th terrorist attacks. My father was a soldier in the Army in the ‘50s and always flew a flag to show his patriotism. I had just lost him in a car wreck six months before the attacks took place, so I wrote my feelings down. I never really intended for this to be a song. It was originally titled “Angry American.”

American Girls and American Guys
We’ll always stand up and salute
We’ll always recognize
When we see Old Glory Flying
There’s a lot of men dead
So we can sleep in peace at night
When we lay down our head

My daddy served in the army
Where he lost his right eye
But he flew a flag out in our yard
Until the day that he died
He wanted my mother, my brother, my sister and me
To grow up and live happy
In the land of the free.

Now this nation that I love
Has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker punch came flyin’ in
From somewhere in the back
Soon as we could see clearly
Through our big black eye
Man, we lit up your world
Like the 4th of July

Hey Uncle Sam
Put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty
Started shakin’ her fist
And the eagle will fly
Man, it’s gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom
Start ringin’ her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you Courtesy of the Red White and Blue

Justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A.
`Cause we`ll put a boot in your ass
It`s the American way

Hey Uncle Sam
Put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty
Started shakin’ her fist
And the eagle will fly
Man, it’s gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom
Start ringin’ her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you Courtesy of the Red White and Blue."

Thursday, June 08, 2006

More Random Thoughts On A Beautiful Spring Day

- I believe it is important that one understand the pastor's sermon each Sunday. After all, he is preaching God's Word for our edification. That's why I advocate raising one's hand at church during the sermon and asking the pastor "Excuse me, could you repeat that?" if something is not understood.

- Why are we trying to spread freedom in this world? Look what has happened to our country because of freedom. Freedom to have abortions, freedom to live wanton lives, freedom to watch porno, freedom to live greedily, freedom to make a mess of everything. Don't we believe that man left to his own device, will muck everything up? Do we really need to spread more freedom? Aren't we just spreading our own sin around? Making others slaves to our own sin? Isn't man totally depraved? Isn't it only the truth that sets us free? So why are we so enamored of freedom? I know I've never lived under an oppressive regime, nor do I want to. I am just being philosophical.

- Who was Kiki Dee and why did Elton John want to record a song with her? And how could she not use that song to catapult to a huge singing career?

- A lot of people are bashing Wikipedia nowadays for not being 100% accurate 100% of the time. I kind of like Wikipedia. And I've learned so much from it. For instance, did you know there were orignally nine dwarves in the draft of Snow White? Two were cut for nefarious reasons. The first was named Winston, a chain-smoking Harley Rat with a chronic cough who refused to bathe. RJ Reynolds nixed that one. The second was Inger, a female dwarf with a Swedish accent who worked odd jobs as a wet nurse and sideshow assistant. No explanation given for her disappearance, but I think the original Snow White was jealous.

- How did "The Weather" become a segment on our local newscasts? Once they run down the high and low temperatures for the day, it's all conjecture and speculation. A 70% chance of rain? What's that about? Where do they come up with these numbers? I'm 80% sure they make them up. Translation- 70% chance of rain means "I'm pretty sure but not positive it's going to rain, so don't be shocked if it doesn't, okay?" Why can't they just say that? I understand that better than 70 or 80% chance of rain.

- I'd love to see the news anchor or the sportscaster do the same thing. "There's a 70% chance of a flat fastball and an 80% chance of a hanging curve from Jason Isringhausen the next 3 days."

- Have you or anyone you know ever been "a person of interest" in anything? Sounds kind of exciting! But what exactly does it mean?

- I'm thinking of adding a new crop to my garden next year. Just how easy is it to grow tobacco?

- How in the world did NES become enamored by mushrooms? Mario Bros. franchise is loaded with them. How did they decide on a mushroom, though? Aren't they fungi? What, was yeast not recognizable enough for the TV screen? Did ringworm not seem "magical" enough for gameplay? I don't get it.

- I'm tempted to break out in song the next time I walk in to a crowded restaurant. To the tune of Eleanor Rigby, I'm going to loudly bellow, "AHHH...Look at all the hungry people." So watch out, Lucy.

- Speaking of Beatle songs, my son had a hilarious interpretation of "I Am The Walrus" the other night at a local eatery. After I perused the menu and verbally considered the walleye on the menu, he came up with the new lyrics, "I am the walleye."

- Diamond Dave or Sammy Hagar? I'm more in league with Sammy. I think the only reason that people like the Dave era is because Van Halen was more guitar oriented in that era, whereas when Sammy came along synthesizers had become prominent. Which has nothing to do with either lead singer. I just have always liked Sammy, both pre-Van Halen and post-Van Halen.

- I've got what I think is a great idea for a new type of amusement park. It would be a series of racetracks with only one car allowed at a time, and would have hundreds of famous cars available to patrons to choose from for their driving pleasure. An open road with a Ferrari, Porsche, Classic GTO, Red Barchetta, or whatever else suits your fancy, and no speed limit or traffic. I bet people would plop down good money for the opportunity.

Cardinals Season- Metaphorically Speaking

One of my favorite movies is "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly." It's showing again on Sunday at 2:30 p.m. on Spike.

At any rate, at the end of the movie, the dialogue between Tuco and Clint Eastwood's No Name Character (Blondie, as Tuco would say) goes something like this:

(The Bad character played by Lee Van Cleef was just killed in a gunfight, leaving Clint's character and Tuco to divide the buried treasure).

"Clint: You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend...those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.
Tuco: Where?
Clint: Here.
Tuco: (looking at grave marked "unknown"): Unk..unk...There's no name on it!
Clint: (looking at rock in his hand): There's no name here, either. You see, that's what Bill Carson told me: "There's a grave marked 'unknown', right beside Arch Stanton." Go ahead.
(Tuco digs crazily and finds bags loaded with coin).

Tuco: It's money! It's all ours, Blondie! (Tuco then looks up and sees Clint holding a noose). You're joking, Blondie. You wouldn't... you wouldn't play a joke on me like that.
Clint: It's no joke. It's a rope, Tuco. I want you to stand up there, and put your head in that noose. (Tuco obliges and ends up standing on the grave's cross with his head in the noose and hands bound).

Clint: Well, now...seems just like old times. (He counts out the bags of coin) Four for you...and four...four for me. Sorry, Tuco.
Tuco: Blondie... ...(pleading and gagging) Blondie?...(Clint rides off, Tuco becoming more desparate) BLONDIE!!! (Tuco stumbles around on top of cross and almost falls off as Clint disappears in the distance on his horse). (Tuco is now very shaken)...Blondie???

(Clint rides back toward Tuco and reappears in the distance. He takes aim and shoots the rope in half, freeing Tuco and causing him to fall on top of the money).
Tuco: (Yelling to Clint) BLONDIE!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? JUST A DIRTY SON OF A...(Cue familiar music)!"

Now before anyone calls the sheriff to have me locked up with the crazies, let me explain how this relates to the St. Louis Cardinals 2006 season.

Lee Van Cleef's character symbolizes the Cubs and Astros, the Cards two chief rivals. Both teams are seemingly dead in 2006. And the Cardinals are cruising along, ready to collect the spoils of yet another successful regular season campaign. Until...

Albert Pujols goes down. It is as if someone has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. The Cardinals are shown their very own noose, by which they will apparently die, a la Tuco. Just as Tuco said, "You wouldn't play a joke on me like that", Cardinals players, management, and fans started repeating the same delusional mantra Saturday when they saw Albert in obvious pain.

Then the diagnosis came down...a strained abdominal oblique. In other words, "It's no's a rope."

So here we are. The Cardinals, all of the players, fans, even the batboys, now stand collectively with a noose around our neck, trying to maintain our balance on a small cross so that we continue to live through the season. And Albert has ridden off and is nowhere in sight presently.

And so far, with a record of 1-4 since Albert went down, you'd have to say that we're teetering on that cross like a drunken sailor walking the plank.

And the question long until Albert returns to shoot us down and save us?