Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Random Thoughts On A Nice Winter's Day

Think it's outrageous to pay $100 for medicines that may only last a couple weeks? Well, I have the answer. Combine pharmaceuticals with groceries. Drug food. Put the Prozac in the parmesan cheese. Nexium noodles. Rogaine lettuce. At least you'll feel like you're getting something for your hard earned cash, instead of just a few grains of medicine.

A local radio station has a program on Saturday mornings where people can call in the show to buy, sell or exchange...well, there's no other way to say it...junk. It's called "Swap Shop", and there are a bunch of rules of what you cannot buy or sell. Like firearms and real estate. But I guess everything else is fair game, because last Saturday someone called in stating they wanted to buy a wench. I was shocked, quite frankly.

The last time I listened to the song "Lady" by the group Styx, I was amazed at some of the high pitches that song attains. But I could have swore some of the instruments reaching those high pitched tones were power tools.

Has anyone who wears glasses ever forgotten to take them off, and gotten in the shower with them still on? And then you're looking around in the shower and thinking, boy everything seems brighter in here today? And then you see the crud on the floor of the shower that you've never seen before, and start wondering what the heck that is, so you bend over and immediately realize you still have the glasses on as the large drops of water pour down upon them, so now you can't see anything? And now a decision has to be made, do I get out of the shower dripping wet to put them away, do I just work around them and keep them on, or do I take them off and put them somewhere in the shower and hope the don't get crushed by something? Yeah, me neither.

Who had the more unique voice- Freddie Mercury or Barry Gibb?

I think a great guitarist who is all but forgotten is Gary Richrath of REO Speedwagon. Before they sold out to sing pop songs, they were a great rock band. If you listen to their early stuff, he was really awesome.

Speaking of REO Speedwagon, if you want to have some fun at the next school event you attend, sing the National Anthem like you're imitating Kevin Cronin. Like, "Oh, say can you see-YAH, by the dawn's early light-AH..."

I always try to sing like Tom Jones myself. And I must be getting pretty good at it, because people at church, even those who are sitting several rows in front of me, are always turning around to look.

If a house divided against itself cannot stand, why celebrate diversity? In fact, if we don't stop this diversity crap, it's going to be American Civil War Part 2 in this country before the end of the 21st Century. Why can't we all just be Americans? that I think about it, maybe that radio guy actually meant a winch.

Is there a more obnoxious commercial than that Citi ad with the middle-aged foreign guy you can't even understand? Exactly who is this supposed to appeal to anyway?

I know this has been expressed elsewhere, but why does the country of Holland call itself 'The Netherlands' and its people 'the Dutch'? Makes no sense. So in that same lunatic spirit, I propose the country of the United States call itself 'The Uberlands', and its people be called 'the Hootch'.

I know NASA has been struggling in recent years to remain relevant. I have an idea. The fastest growing sport is NASCAR, right? I propose NASA join forces with NASCAR to make a little something called NASACAR. Fly rockets into space for racing purposes. The international space station could serve as the pit stop. If people tune in now to see the car crashes, just wait until NASACAR starts. The carnage factor would be spectacular.

I hate the tail wagging the dog all the time in this country. Which is why, although I am not a big fan of the University of Illinois, I am disgusted by their decision to bow to the kooks who wanted to get rid of Chief Illiniwek. I think it was the faculty of the university that was the biggest factor in this. Everyone knows the Chief was not a demeaning personality, and people loved him. He was always respected and honored, around these parts at least. No one laughed at him or thought to themselves, "That's hilarious, get a load of that Injun Boy." On the contrary, most people thought it an honorable nod to a bygone era of this locale. It was all just a political power play. Once there are no more Native American team nicknames, I predict within the next 50 years someone will start complaining that there are no Native American team nicknames.

In that spirit, I propose we change the nickname of the University's sports teams to "The Fighting Highlanders," as many people who settled the state's Southern area were originally of Scottish or Scotch-Irish ancestry. I guarantee you no one would complain, and might even be flattered by it. Or, if that isn't pleasing, you could choose one of these nicknames.

I keep hearing that blacks won't vote for Obama because he's not black enough. What tone do they want? Have we stooped so low that me must now classify ourselves, not by race, but by flesh tone? Should we have meters to measure such things, so that on surveys we can start using a number instead of a color when it asks our race? By the way, I'm #DDBD63.

I heard somewhere that 'Saturday in the Park', a catchy tune popularized by the musical group Chicago, was actually originally titled 'Saturday Nights With Spock'. Don't believe me? Just substitue the title or the name Spock in the lyrics where appropriate. It fits perfect.

Ashkenazi Jews are my favorite ethnic group. Why? Because I like to say "Ashkenazi".

Official state things (like State Flower, State Bird, State Animal, State Insect, State Motto, State Rock, etc.) are all noble ideas. But they are hardly reflective of the harsh, fallen world we live in. To even it out a little bit, I propose each state who has one of the above should come up with the following:
State Disease

State Criminal
State Crime
State Pollutant
State Drug
State Rodent
State Alcoholic Beverage
State Fast Food.

Finally, why don't we have the US Olympics? You know, have Olympic competitions, open to US citizens, only the athletes compete under the banner of their home state? We could hold it every four years in a different city. I'll get it started. The 2007 US Olympics will be held in Winnemucca, Nevada.

Hump Day Reading

Numbers 23, 24 and 25. Mark 14:43-72.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Tuesday Reading Assignment

Numbers 20, 21 and 22. Mark 14:1-42.

Monday, February 26, 2007

On The Cutting Room Floor

I'm not so interested in what this Discovery Channel documentary purports to "prove" about finding the tomb of some Hebrew guy named Jesus. We all know the Jesus, the Son of God, rose from the dead.

But I'm more interested in what James Cameron left out of his documentary. I must say, learning more about this other dude named Jesus, who wasn't resurrected, might be fun.

Therefore, a team of crack reporters from Scottius Maximus Enterprises' division of journalism was dispatched to the Holy Land yesterday. And they've produced a list of some other astonishing facts that were "discovered" at the archaeological site in question. Unfortunately, these did not make the final cut of Cameron's documentary.

Maybe Cameron can put them in another documentary down the road.

The other "facts" he has discovered:
- Evidence that Barney Fife was a direct descendant of this particular Jesus and Mary.
- Evidence that Cameron's so-called "holy family" liked to pass the time playing Bingo and a card game similar to modern day Pinochle.
- Evidence that a family friend, Barrychus Bar-Bonds, was accused of using steroids to set single season fishing records.
- Evidence this family was a big fan of a popular 1st Century Palestine theatrical production called, "The Life Of Brian".
- Evidence these people frequented a fledgling beverage franchise called Starbricks, and liked to order "coffee" made from steamed goat's milk, olive oil, locks, and locust "squishings".
- Evidence this family was concerned about something called 'Holy Land warming', causing them to abandon driving large camels and to commute about on skinny, sway-backed jackalopes.
- Evidence Cameron's Jesus was the author of a best-selling scroll, "Purpose Driven Sacrificing- 40 Days Of Purpose At The Temple Mount."

I have a question...why doesn't Hollywood and the main stream media spend as much time researching why Mary Jo Kopechne was never raised alive from the bottom of a pond as they do trying to prove the Son of God was married and never raised from the dead?

Happy Sue Day!

Today would have been Johnny Cash's 75th birthday. Actually I guess it still is his birthday, even though he's dead.

They played "A Boy Named Sue" on the oldies radio station this morning. It's from the live album Johnny Cash at San Quentin.

I have heard that song probably twice in the past 30+ years. I remember I used to laugh every time I heard it when I was only 6 or 7.

Today when I heard it, it didn't seem so funny.

And I also remember, in those same days that I used to sit around and read Mad Magazine, chuckling at Johnny Cashew, their crazy version of the real thing.

Monday's Reading

Numbers 17, 18 and 19. Mark 13.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I Knew They Made It Too Small

Way back 3 years ago, when ground was broken on the new Busch Stadium, I remember wondering to myself why the capacity of the new stadium was going to be less than the old one. This was a trend that started back in 1997 when almost all of the centerfield upper deck seats in the old park were removed and replaced with flags, banners, retired numbers and other historical landmarks. From a total of over 57,000 (including standing room) down to 50,000.

The "official" seating capacity of the new stadium is 43,975, although with standing room the capacity is listed as 46,861.

But the question is...why? Wouldn't more seats create more revenue? Wasn't that the real reason for the new stadium in the first place?

At any rate, I bring this up because I was reviewing the attendance figures from last year on ESPN's MLB site. The Cardinals averaged 42,588, which isn't bad considering until the end of May the upper deck in left field was not complete, making the capacity only 39,000 the first two months. They finished 4th overall in home attendance, behind the much larger markets of the two New York teams and the LA Dodgers.

Which can only mean that the ballpark was full most every night. Which means they could have put in more seats and sold more tickets. Which I think would make them more money.

Why would you not anticipate this? You can only sell what you have. The only absolute limiting factor is the number of seats. Wouldn't MORE make good business sense?

Another interesting thing to look at is the road attendance figures. The Yankees were the biggest road draw, followed by the Red Sox, Reds, Cubs and Cardinals. The Reds being 3rd is something of an anomaly that I can't explain. Because their road attendance outdrew their pathetic home attendance.

"That is weird, wild stuff."

But that's the facts.

Worst home attendance went to Florida. No surprise. But the worst road draw? None other than the Angels.

"That's peculiar."

Yes. Odd, but true.

Overall, home and road combined, the Cardinals finished 4th in attendance. Not bad for a smaller market team.


My feeling exactly.

Weekend Reading

Numbers 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16. Mark 12.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Scottius Maximus Celebrity Of The Month

For February, it's Gretchen Wilson.

A country singin' redneck woman with a heart for redbirds. The St. Louis kind.

I enjoy her music and am thrilled she is a lifetime Cardinals fan. That always seals the deal for a Celebrity of the Month award. She even recorded the song "Redbird Fever", a baseball themed rendition of her more well known "Redneck Woman."

Plus she was born and raised about an hour southwest of where I was, in Pocahontas, IL.

So here's to Gretchen Wilson, Scottius Maximus February Celebrity Of The Month.


Friday Reading

Numbers 9 and 10. Mark 11.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

My Blog's Weird

Today I've gotten hits for people looking for "Calvin Hobbes Sputum", "Boogity Waltrip", and "How To Remove Bats From A Church."

I guess I've been too focused on these things.

Thursday Reading

Numbers 7 and 8. Mark 10:32-52.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Wednesdays Readings

Numbers 5 and 6. Mark 10:1-31.

Calling Ocean Spray

I was thirsty and wanted something refreshing. I had a choice between cranberry and orange juice. Neither one sounded like what I wanted, so I took both. Then I mixed them together, 6 oz. of each. It was fantastic.

So how come there's no Ocean Spray Cran-Orange drink? You'd think if alls you had to do all day was make juice, you'd have come up with this one by now.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Winter Halloween

It's Fat Tuesday again. Whooppee.

As if I needed another reason to let my flesh run wild.

Last year my pastors put this in their pre-Lent rally letter, which I repeat here because I thought it good:

"Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to him, went out and asked them, 'Who is it you want?'" (John 18:4)
"And you? Who will you want- and seek- these coming Wednesdays and Sundays of Lent? Will the world and your flesh argue their priorities? Or...Him who gave His body and shed His blood for you?"

Tuesday Reading Assignment

Numbers 3 and 4. Mark 9:33-50.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Calling All Jewelry Freaks

For the serious jewelry collector only. A couple of must-haves, although of high-end break-the-bank quality.

1) The St. Louis Cardinals 2006 World Series Champions Ring Replica. It's free if you attend the ring ceremony April 3rd prior to the game against the Mets.

2) The Universal BS Detector Watch. Love the face.

This is a must have if you hang around BS artists all day. Separate buttons for 'moo' and 'poo 'sounds. My only question is- how do I get it to work on my favorite blogs?!

Weekend Reading

Leviticus 23, 24, 25, 26 and 27. Mark 7 and 8.

Friday, February 16, 2007

First Signs Of Trouble

Okay maybe not this kind of trouble...

...but trouble nonetheless.

I saw the first spring training photos, thanks to Redbird Central.

Immediately I see two problems for the Cardinals.

Does anyone else see what I see and share my concern?

They sure don't look very serious about the work ahead, do they?

But things got really seriously ugly when this started happening, which I refer to as problem #2:

Yes, folks, it's none other than Jason Isringhausen getting loose. Which prompted the starting pitching contingent in camp to riot.

Here's the angry mob, just after hearing the news, running to reign blows upon their manager to express their displeasure.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Want A Piece Of The Action?

Seeing as how Angus, Spock and Mick are fading fast as Lucy's favorite baby names, I've perused the Bible for more acceptable ones.

My favorites, with the latest booking odds if you care to place a wager:
Archippus- 5:1

Aristarchus- 30:1
Tychicus- 3:1
Demas- 50:1
Epaphrus- 15:1
Nympha- 100:1
Silas- Even.

Okay folks. Need a little movement for Nympha and Demas. All you fans of those names better get out your pocketbook.

Thursday Reading

Leviticus 20, 21 and 22. Mark 6.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Could It Be?


Pitchers and catchers and Pujols all report.

Question- did this really happen?

Reading Material

Leviticus 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19. Mark 5.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Sunday, February 11, 2007

For Laughs

Last week we had a bat in the church. It didn't bother anybody, but it was gone this week. We have a veterinarian in our congregation (if you knew our congregation, you'd understand why we need one!) who helped remove the bat.

Anyway, it reminded me of something that always cracks me up.

Here's Barney, in the episode "Cave Rescue", talking about bats:

I never did like caves. You know what you find in caves? Bats! That's right, bats! And do you know what they do? They fly into your hair and get tangled up in there and lay their eggs and you go crazy. All right, laugh! It's happened. Do you want a head full of bat eggs? I don't!" [Spoken at Lost Lovers' Cave]. "

Here's a website that has a number of wav files from TAGS. Part of this quote is one of the first ones, if you want to listen.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Don't Look Now

I don't mean to jinx them, but look who's up to #20 in the latest NCAA college basketball coaches poll. And #21 in the AP Poll.

Tonight's opponent is Creighton, who shares the MVC lead with the Salukis.


Weekend Reading

Join me in Leviticus 10, 11, 12 and 13. And Mark 3.

Friday, February 09, 2007

End Result Of Legal Immigration

Congratulations Albert Pujols.

Looks Like I'm Nerdy Enough To Be Cool

I am nerdier than 46% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

Hat tip MarieN.

Oh, Yeah...Like We're Really Going To Get These Guys Together

Watch this video. Then try to tell me we'll be successful keeping Iraq together. Hannity and Colmes looks like a Kumbaya chorus compared to this.

Just split it up and be done with it.

Hat tip Gates Of Vienna.

This Offends Me

No, not the trash littering the surface of the Moon.

It's the lack of color on the Moon.

Go here to view some really awesome panoramic pictures of the Moon from the Apollo missions (hat tip to Cyberbrethren).

According to Popular Mechanics March 2007, we will be going back there some day and staying.

Maybe so.

But if we do, I have a few requests:
1) Bring a dumpster for the trash.

2) Take one of those guys in the orange jumpsuits and the long handled grabbers along to pick it up.

3) Make the other astronauts wear another color, just not white. How about red? Or better yet, design the outfits to look like the Cardinals' uniform. Instead of birds on the bat, however, put the birds on the tether, or some other spaceman equipment piece.

4) Xeriscaping is becoming very popular. So why not take a few desert plants and put 'em in the moon's ground? How about stonecrop? There are certainly plenty of rocks up there for a nice landscaping project. Of course you'd probably need to build a shed for your gardening equipment. And there may be a little problem with rain. I'm not sure how much one can expect there. The Weather Channel has been rather negligent updating us on Moon weather.

5) I'm also not sure what gardening "zone" the Moon is in. I've looked at all my books. There's plenty of North American zone data, but no "Moon zone" data.

6) Every landscape needs a pond, so we could bring that hardscape stuff along too. Go here and pick me out a winner that would look good on the Moon.

7) Ditto a fountain and a waterfall. Perhaps building the pond next to the side of one of those sandy looking slopes would help tremendously. A natural place for a waterfall. Just some PVC pipe and a solar powered pump would be all the extras necessary.

8) Instead of American Flags, plant Cardinals flags. Since they are World Series Champions and all.

9) You have all the dirt you need for a ballpark. Busch Stadium IV could be grated out of the dust. Sod would probably bake, but perhaps Astro-Turf could make its comeback here.

Get it? "Astro"-Turf?

10) Of course, with less gravity, you'd have to move the fences back, probably to around 800 feet.

Okay, NASA...give me a call. I got your next Moon mission right here. We can definitely pretty up that joint.

Friday Reading

Leviticus 7,8 and 9. Mark 2.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Thursday Reading

Leviticus 4,5 and 6. Mark 1.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Wednesday Reading

Leviticus 1, 2 and 3. Matthew 28.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Tuesday Reading

Exodus 39 and 40. Matthew 27:32-66.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Monday Reading Assignment

Exodus 37 and 38. Matthew 27:1-31.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Mental Gymnastics

I never saw this before. It took me 12 days to figure it out as an actual sentence that makes sense, when I went here for the answer.

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

That's a real sentence that makes sense. Hat tip C&I.

Now let's see what I can do...

...Ape apes ape ape ape...naw...dang!

Friday, February 02, 2007

My Mind Is Stuck

You know you're ready for baseball when you dream about it. Had my first 2007 dream last night. The Cardinals were playing the Red Sox in the 2007 World Series. Alls I know is the Cardinals were ahead 3-2 in Game 1, and for some reason Willie McGee was playing centerfield.

Picture from Wikipedia, painting by Peter Von Cornelius

Where is Joseph when you need him? Anyone with the guts to take a stab at that one?

Speaking Of Spring Training...

Let the countdown officially begin!

Here's the schedule per the Cardinals official site:

February 14- Pitchers and catchers report.

February 15- First workouts.

February 26- First "game" against Florida Atlantic University

February 28- First Grapefruit League game against the Marlins. Which is interesting, because you'd think the Marlins would go to Arizona for Spring Training, and the Diamondbacks to Florida, no?

March 31st- The "Civil Rights Game" in Memphis against the Indians.

The next day, April 1st, marks the start of the 2007 season, with a Sunday Night ESPN game vs. the New York Mets.

Weekend Readings

Friday: Exodus 29 and 30. Matthew 26:1-35.

Weekend: Exodus 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 and 36. Matthew 26:36-75.

I also am on track with my New Year's Goals so far. In addition to the above, God has allowed be to be able to do 1835 Hindu pushups and 1850 Hindu squats and spend 30 minutes in neck bridging so far in 2007 through today. And so far 34 posts on this blog. The only two things I haven't gotten started on are foreign languages and landscaping, which I hope to pick up now that football season ends Sunday.

But then again, pitchers and catchers report IN 12 DAYS!!!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Readings For Thursday

Exodus 27 and 28. Matthew 25.