Thursday, June 02, 2005

Keystone Kubs

Another installment of the Chicago Cubs Comedy hour, via Jim Rome's website last Friday:

"How bad are the Chicago Cubs this season? Things are getting so bad they let the Houston Astros win a road game. Last night the Astros won for only the third time this season away from Houston, beating the Cubs 5-1. That makes the Cubbies 8 games back of division leading St. Louis and to make matters worse another one of their pitchers is hurt. As hard as this may be to believe, the injury may even be more whack than Carlos Zambrano hurting his elbow online. Reliever Mike Remlinger was placed on the 15 day disabled list yesterday after hurting himself Sunday, but not trying to throw a nasty slider, or being hit with a line-shot, Remlinger broke his pinkie finger while sitting in a recliner. Hey, who hasn't been taken out by a recliner at some point? You can walk into any emergency room in the country and they're packed with recliner related injuries. Those things are death traps. I mean, all that sitting, resting and watching TV, it's a wonder they even sell those things anymore. They should be in glass cases in stores like guns, so people don't get too close to them. You really should have to obtain a special license just to buy one."

Since when is "recliner finger" a reason to go on the DL? Ask Mike Remlinger of the Cubs. Or "computer mouse elbow"? Ask Carlos Zambrano of the Cubs.

Seriously, how many people in the world get hurt in the way the Cubs players do? Sammy Sosa sneezes last year and throws his back out for 3 weeks. Does any of this sound normal? Of course not. Is there a more bizarre medical track record than the one the Cubs have run recently? How out of shape does one have to be to injure a finger in a recliner, or an elbow from being online, or a back from sneezing too hard? Who is supposed to be overseeing the Cubs fitness program?

And before anyone brings up Matt Morris' escapade jumping down the stairs and twisting his ankle in 2003, just remember, it is Matt Morris, after all, and it was an isolated incident. The Mike Matheny hunting knife caper was years ago. All the Cubs "accidents" have happened within a year. And Mark Prior last year went from having Achilles tendon problems to elbow problems to shoulder problems, a man supposedly with the best pitching mechanics the Cubs scouts have ever seen. I remember one "expert" expounding on how Prior won't hurt himself because his mechanics are too good. Well maybe they just don't know what they're looking at, or talking about.

Honestly, I think it is Dusty Baker that has brought this clumsiness and buffoonery. Remember he almost let his 3 year old son get pulverized at home plate after running on the field during action at the 2002 World Series. If not for a quick thinking Giant, he would have been flattened.

I'm waiting for Greg Maddux to come down with a case of "watermelon-trashbag elbow" like former Padre now Rockie reliever Jay Witasick did. You know about "watermelon-trashbag elbow", right? It's when you blow out your elbow by throwing the too-heavy remains of a watermelon tucked inside a trashbag into your garbage dumpster from too far a distance.

So what else to expect this year? Don't be surprised to see:
56 Cliff Bartosh- out with stirrup-sock shin, brought on by pulling too violently on his socks.
48 Joe Borowski- on the DL for hamster-wheel hamstrings, caused by running too fast in a hamster wheel device used to try to get Borowski back in shape.
46 Ryan Dempster - scratched from the lineup for toothpaste-eye, a malady caused by getting a small amount of toothpaste on your finger without realizing it, then rubbing your eyes. Guaranteed to "burn out" 20/20 vision for at least 2 days.
51 Jon Leicester - bite tongue severely trying to imitate Harry Carey, miss 3 games as he cannot chew tobacco with so-called "Harry tongue".
31 Greg Maddux - miss 4 starts with "Goat Groin", resulting from being head-butted where it counts by a goat brought in to reverse the curse of the billy goat from the Cubs.
52 Sergio Mitre - suffer severe case of "bowling thumbnail", a ripped nail from bowling earlier in the day, and have to leave a game.
44 Roberto Novoa - punch his computer monitor after taking the online quiz, What Disney Character Are You?, and learning he is "Cinderella", thereby punching his computer and breaking his 4th and 5th metacarpals, and becoming the first known casualty of so-called "Cinderella Fracture".
50 Will Ohman - blow out his knee trying to protect Jeff Gordon from the angry mob at "Wrigley Stadium" when Gordon shows up again, this time to sing the National Anthem before the game, and thus causing more misery to Cub-dom due to "National Anthem Knee".
33 Glendon Rusch - suffer the malady of "Michael Jackson Trial Decubitus", a pressure sore on the sacral area from lying in his recliner watching constant trial coverage, and miss one month while it heals.
40 Todd Wellemeyer- out indefinitely with "Weeble's warts", a condition of the bottoms of the feet caused by stepping on a child's Weeble toys infected with wart virus, leaving it's victim unable to walk.
43 Michael Wuertz - miss 3 weeks due to "Kingsford Hands", after dousing his charcoal with WAY too much lighter fluid and throwing a match into the pile but failing to get his hands out of the way of the resulting 50 foot flame.
8 Michael Barrett - have to leave a game after aggravating his "toilet paper dispenser wrist", caused by having to spin the dispenser endless times looking for the end of the roll.
9 Henry Blanco - become so repulsed by this that he wretches too hard vomiting up phlegm, causing "Clown Communion hernia", and miss six weeks due to subsequent surgery.
25 Derrek Lee - sidelined the rest of this season after having surgery for "suitcase shoulder", when he yanked too hard on a heavy suitcase trying to remove it from his trunk.
1 Jose Macias
13 Neifi Perez - put on DL with "Neifi Knee". I don't know what this is, it just sounded cool.
16 Aramis Ramirez - lost for season with "Akita ACL", after tripping over his Akita and tearing his ACL.
7 Todd Walker - sidelined 2 games with "diffuse lotion blister" after mistakenly rubbing a combination of capsaicin and Flex-All 454 on his body instead of sun block.
19 Enrique Wilson - put on DL with "sod cutter sciatica", after cutting sod for 4 hours putting in a flower bed at his home, injuring his back and herniating a lumbar disc.
3 Jeromy Burnitz - miss two weeks with "blog eyeballs", after becoming obsessed with Blogger and straining his eyes staying up late every night reading too many blogs.
4 Jason Dubois - out indefinitely with "Left Behind lateral oblique strain", caused when he laughs so hard at the theology of "Left Behind" books he pulls his right lateral oblique.
15 Jerry Hairston - leave game with "Saluki stomach", caused by eating too many Saluki dogs from his alma mater.
28 Todd Hollandsworth - with what will for forever be known as "Hollandsworth Heel", after the Cubs outfielder tears his Achilles tendon jumping from the dugout to the field without using any steps, just to see if he could do it.
20 Corey Patterson - actually have a LEGITIMATE injury diving for a baseball during an actual game.

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