Thursday, June 30, 2005

Who's Lord Of The Ring?

In 2003 Roy Horn was mauled by a tiger, his longtime "buddy", Montecore. The USDA has completed its investigation of the attack. Oh yes, there was an investigation of this incident. And a report. It's over 200 pages long. And what was the conclusion?

The cause of the attack is still not known. They investigated the "possibilities", of course. The tiger was hungry? No. There was something wrong with Montecore? No. Foul play by someone who hates homosexuals? No. Terrorist attack? No. Montecore was just "protecting" Mr. Roy? No.

Well listen, USDA. I may not be a veterinarian. I may not have a degree in zoology. I may not be an animal psychologist. But it's real simple, folks.

You see, Montecore, is, afterall, A TIGER. Being a tiger, he does what tiger's do- he mauls. Shocking, isn't it? Montecore is not a pet or domesticated animal. He is a tiger. A natural born killer. It's really easy. I have written a half page report to the USDA. I find it to be more useful than that 200 page report. Here it is:

Report of Findings of Scottius Maximus' Investigation of October 2003 Roy Horn Tiger Attack

June 30, 2005

Problem: Roy Horn (hereafter referred to as "the snack") is mauled and almost killed.
Objective: To find out what happened and hopefully prevent this in the future.
Findings: "The snack" is seriously injured by some type of large organism, called "Montecore". On examination of photographic and videotape evidence, organism has been identified as what is known commonly as a tiger.
Conclusion: Duh. Did you read my previous paragraph? I said, MONTECORE IS A TIGER. Tigers attack other living things. They're called carnivores for a reason. They're killers.
Recommendations: People shouldn't hang around tigers and expect not to be attacked. Further research should be conducted to identify whether this applies to lions, leopards, panthers, rattlesnakes, crocodiles, sharks, and other scary creatures.

Respectfully submitted for your perusal,

Scottius Maximus

Do you honestly think, after years of getting pushed around by Roy, that Montecore was not just biding his time? Don't get me wrong, Roy did not deserve what happened to him. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But please don't make excuses for the inevitable, or launch long and expensive investigations in to what is obvious: Montecore got tapped on the nose with Roy's microphone one too many times.

Seriously, how many times can one tiger put up with being yelled at, snapped at, pushed with chairs, bopped with a microphone, and just generally humiliated?

Can you imagine what went through Montecore's poor mind? It was probably like that Gollum/Smeagol battle in LOTR.

Gollum Montecore: If that little hobbit hits us one more times on the nose with that mike, I'm goings Medieval on him.
Smeagol Montecore: No, master is our friend. We must follows master.
Gollum Montecore: We are a tiger. I hates master, he humilates us.
Smeagol Montecore: Shut up, master is good to us. Mustn't hurt master.
Gollum Montecore: Be quiet. You wonders what master tastes like, too. Too bad he's not super-sized. Maybe we can fills up with hobbit's friend, too.


Well, I guess we found out who the Lord of the Ring really was, didn't we?

Maybe we need a PSA for all the kids out there:
Remember, kids. Stay in school. And don't mess with tigers.

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