Monday, August 01, 2005

Escape From The Planet Of The Ex-Cardinals

Due to the unmitigated success of the previous Planet of the Ex-Cardinals movies, here is the third installment in the franchise:

Starring:

Tony Womack, Yankees
G- 78, AB- 268, R- 36, H- 66, 2B- 5, 3B- 1, HR- 0, RBI- 12, TB- 73, BB- 12, SO- 41, SB- 23, CS- 5, OBP- .289, SLG- .272, AVG- .246, OPS- .561


Edgar Renteria, Red Sox
G- 95, AB- 382, R- 59, H- 103, 2B- 16, 3B- 3, HR- 6, RBI- 34, TB- 143, BB- 37, SO- 61, SB-8, CS- 3, OBP- .336, SLG- .374, AVG- .270, OPS- .710


Woody Williams, Padres
W- 5, L- 7, ERA- 4.66, G-16, GS- 16, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 0, IP- 96.2, H- 105, R- 50 ER- 50, HR- 14, BB- 25, SO- 55


Steve Kline, Orioles
W- 2, L- 3, ERA- 5.68, G- 48, GS- 0, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 3, IP- 38.0, H- 41, R- 26, ER-24, HR- 8, BB- 23, SO- 29


Mike Matheny, Giants
G- 81, AB- 273, R- 31, H- 69, 2B- 25, 3B- 0, HR- 9, RBI- 42, TB- 121, BB- 21, SO- 51, SB- 0, CS- 2, OBP- .314, SLG- .443, AVG- .253, OPS- .757


Danny Haren, A's
W- 8, L- 7, ERA- 4.36, G- 22, GS- 22, CG- 2, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 0, IP- 138.1, H- 143, R- 78, ER- 67, HR- 17, BB- 39, SO- 104


Kiko Calero, A's
W- 2, L- 0, ERA- 4.06, G- 31, GS- 0, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 1, SVO- 1, IP- 31.0, H- 31, R- 14, ER- 14, HR-4, BB- 8, SO- 27


Marlon Anderson, Mets
G- 79, AB- 154, R- 20, H- 45, 2B- 7, 3B- 0, HR- 3, RBI- 10, TB- 61, BB-11, SO- 27, SB- 2, CS- 1, OBP- .341, SLG- .396, AVG- .292, OPS- .737

From high atop my critic's chair, here's my review of the "plot" of our latest installment:
1. The catching situation is like Star Wars (pardon the reference, but indulge me). You know how in each episode, the Jedi and the Empire would alternate who has the upper hand. Well in our world, in the first episode, Matheny is the better guy, in the second the young Molina is the better guy, and now with Molina laid up, I've got to say I'd like to have Matheny back again. Which can only mean one thing- in next month's edition, Yads will be doing much better than Michael. (A thumbs down for the Cardinals here).
2. I really miss Marlon Anderson. I'd love to have him available to start with so many starters banged up, let alone available to pinch hit. Even though he strikes out a lot, he has the second highest OPS of the exes. (Still a thumbs down for the Cardinals).
3. Haren and Calero vs. Mulder is a tough call at this point in the season. But then I remember, there is another ex-Cardinal lost in this trade who is not yet in the majors but who has the potential to be Pujolsesque (Mr. Barton). A new term may be born out of this: Bartoned, as in, in this trade we got Bartoned. (Thumbs down for the Cards).
4. I still love "Albert" Eckstein, and I'm still glad Renteria is gone. I think we saved a few million dollars here and came out better off. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
5. Womack is definitely Womackian again. And despite all our outfield injuries, I'd take Gall, Taguchi, Rodriguez, and Mabry any day in the outfield ahead of Womack. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
6. Woody Williams has worse numbers than any Cardinal starter. Although if Matt Morris continues his recent morph into "Bad Matt", this could change. And Soup may have given up more homers, but he's pitched 3.5 complete games more than Woodman. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
7. Steve Kline- 3 blown saves, no conversions- enough said. (Thumbs up for the Cards).

So, it looks like four thumbs up and three thumbs down for this film, a net gain of one thumb.

I'd rank this episode behind the first but better than last month's.

Until next time, I'll see you...at the movies.

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