Wednesday, September 21, 2005

If Scottius Maximus Ruled The World...Part 2

- Before the start of baseball games, the National Anthem would be replaced by "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin.
- I would encourage people in this predicament to solve their problems without the government's involvement. I mean, really, do they need to go to the trouble of investigating whether a zoning ordinance was violated in this neighborhood? This problem could be solved by a couple of the neighbors next door to this "Swingers Club" sitting down on a lawn chair and photographing the cars, license plates, and people as they come and go, then posting them on a website. The "Club" would move within hours.
- New Orleans would never be rebuilt with government money. Nor any other area hit by a hurricane. As a resident of a flat state, I'm getting a little sick of our tax dollars going down the drain continually rebuilding these coastal communities. Hey, all you Einsteins out there- if no one ever told you, I will- if you live on the coast, you might get hit by a hurricane at some point. Bad idea.
- Barry Bonds would be intentionally walked every time he came up to bat. This would serve two purposes: he would never get the chance to break Hank Aaron's record, and he'd have to run the bases on his bad knee.
- Cardinals reliever Julian Tavarez would have to pitch wearing a Zorro mask. Seriously, wouldn't he look awesome if he wore a Cardinal red Zorro mask under his red cap at home and a black mask under his road cap. It would certainly help solidify his reputation of being off his rocker.
- Anyone who listened to rap "music" would be subjected to national ridicule. Most adults want to get rid of it, but they go about it the wrong way. They try to censor these people. But you see, passing laws against behaviors never works. The only thing that seems to influence behavior nowadays is peer pressure and influence. So let's not try to get rid of rap by forceful persuasion, let's just make fun of it until no one would be caught dead wearing their jeans around their thighs and their caps sideways, like a bad Benny Hill character.
- There would be no tax on things we need, like food, gas, and property. But there would be tax on things we want, like beer and coffee. In fact, maybe the government would take over the manufacture, distribution, and sale of beer, coffee, and cigars. That way all the proceeds of the sale of these luxury items would go directly into the coffers.
- Out with government cheese. In with government soap, mouthwash, and toothpaste.
- Four words: Busch Stadium Still Stands.

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