I've often in years past picked on Christmas songs. From completely absurd songs to Elton's songs with garbled words, there's a treasure trove of comedy bits waiting to happen.
Which brings us to this year's "winner". It's an oldie. A catchy tune covered by Mr. Christmas himself, Andy Williams. (Mr. Christmas to anyone who grew up in the '60s and '70s, when all the big celebrities had Christmas specials. Why don't they ever rerun those old shows? Sorry, I'm digressing).
Look out for "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year."
The other day, for the first time in my life, I really listened to the lyrics of this song. I've often found myself humming or belting out the chorus. Who hasn't? But when I really listened to the lyrics, I was quite shocked at what was hidden in there.
"It's the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer"
It's the most wonderful time of the year"
Okay, so far so good. Although I've never seen a kid 'jingle-belling', it's a nice poetic holiday sentiment.
By the way, don't you hate it when a lower case j and lower case i are next to each other? Looks too umlaut-ish. Let's proceed.
"It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the hap- happiest season of all."
Yeah, okay, right there. For all time and forever more, you cannot use the word 'gay' in a song. The writer didn't intend for the modern meaning of the word, but any song with it in there is going to get snickers from the peanut gallery.
Okay, that's enough! Shuuussshhh!
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
"There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow."
Now, that's good clean indoor and outdoor fun. This is okay.
"There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago"
This is the one line in the whole song that blows me away. Our writer seems to have some holiday dementia.
Ghost stories are a Halloween tradition, Einstein. Unless you're Count Floyd of Monster Chiller Horror Theater.
"Vow, kids...vasn’t it SCARY"
Although we have some family holiday traditions that others might not, sitting around telling scary ghost stories is not one of them.
I can't imagine who does this. Let's see if I've got this straight...just before opening gifts, we all sit around our happy Christmas tree, in the dark, and regale ourselves with horrible tales of ax-murdering spirits and men with hook-hands?
Did Stephen King have a hand in this song? I have yet to see one of my neighbors put up a fake cemetery next to the inflatable Santa Claus on his lawn.
And what exactly are "Christmas glories"? Maybe Batman, or Superman, can tell tales of their glory days on Christmas. But what am I supposed to do? Tell the tale of how I assembled a talking basketball hoop in a single Christmas Eve night, despite all the directions being in Chinese? 'Cause that's about all you're going to get.
There'll be much mistltoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's the most wonderful time of the year."
Now, to have these lines right after the ghost verses, I'm having a hard time figuring out what we're referring to here. Are these loved ones dead or alive? Are these glowing super-ghosts with flaming hearts?
That's it, then. Now the song just repeat itself.
So, who is going to be the one to correct the mistakes of the original songwriter? We need volunteers.
Don't expect me to do it. I can't do everything.