Thursday, May 18, 2006
HEY, PEYTON MANNING- Where Are You?
Those who put themselves in the category of Christian need to take action this time. And what better way than to enlist the help of an athlete who has found himself in a similar circumstance. I'm talking about taking a page from the playbook of Peyton Manning.
Before someone yells at the computer "what in tarnation is this hack talking about?", allow me to 'splain.
It seems that resident "Christian" nutcase and false prophet Pat Robertson is at it again. He went in his hole and heard God speak to him again. So he's coming out and "prophesying" again.
This time he's predicting major storms will hit the US seaboard this year (duh?). I plan on watching the Weather Channel tonight to see if Jim Cantore has anything to say about this. And poor John Hope is probably spinning like a hurricane in his grave. (By the way, my wife once said she thought John Hope's hair was "pretty". But I digress).
Robertson even states a tsunami may hit the Pacific Northwest. I guess God hasn't made up His mind on that one. What's going on with that? He makes God sound like He's flying by the seat of His pants. Usually if God wants to do something, He just does it, right? He either is going to send a tsunami or not. Which is it Uncle Pat?
At any rate, we obviously need Peyton Manning or a guy like him. I'm willing to step up to the plate and be that individual if you'd like.
Why Peyton Manning? Well, if I have to explain, then you have a short memory. Sheesh, you make my job hard.
Early in the year 2003, Mike Vanderjagt, the Indianapolis Colts KICKER, spouted off like he was actually a football player or something, and questioned whether his coach and his quarterback had what it takes to win big games. Ludricous talk from a guy who runs on the field to kick the ball a few times a game.
So at the Pro Bowl that year, when asked about what Vanderjagt had said about him, Manning responded by calling him "our idiot kicker."
The full quote from Manning is as follows:
"Here we are. I'm out at my third Pro Bowl, I'm about to go in and throw a touchdown to Jerry Rice, we're honoring the Hall of Fame, and we're talking about our idiot kicker who got liquored up and ran his mouth off."
Did you hear that? What a great way to put things! Therefore, I suggest the following line be used by anyone who asks about what Robertson says now and in the future. Here goes:
"Here we are. I'm out in the world, I'm assaulted by all kinds of nonsense and heresies, there's all kinds of work that we should be doing and we're not, and we're talking about an idiot preacher who got liquored up and ran his mouth off."
Notice I used the word "an" in place of "our", 'cause we certainly don't claim him.
And maybe I shouldn't put in the part about liquored up. Probably isn't true, so I'll edit that out.
Okay, so here's the official Scottius Maximus press release the next time Pat Robertson crawls out and makes a ridiculous proclamation:
"Here we are. I'm out in the world, I'm assaulted by all kinds of nonsense and heresies, there's all kinds of work that we should be doing and we're not, and we're talking about an idiot preacher who ran his mouth off."