Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Roll Call

Today I thought we'd go out to the garden, where we are going through my little 'roll call' to see what's showing its face so far in 2007.

But it's 80 degrees here. So I've gone on vacation.

And since I'm on vacation, I have a guest host today. And I think he's just what I need to have the best garden in the world. Ladies and gentleman...


THE GUNNY!


I am Gunnery Sgt. Ermey your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. Do you maggots understand that?

"Sir, yes, sir."
[Bleep] I can't hear you. From now on sound off like you've got a pair.
"SIR, YES, SIR."

Well now, what do we have here poking their greasy little heads through the soil?

Tulips?
"Sir, here, sir."
Did your parents have any children that lived?! If they did I'm sure they're sorry.

Lillies?
"Sir, here, sir."
You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.

Sedums?
"Sir, here, sir."
Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it?

Hyacinths?
"Sir, here, sir."
You are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth.

Daffodils?
"Sir, here, sir."
You are nothing more than unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian [bleep].

Chrysanthemums? Chrysanthemums? Where are you [bleep]ing sorry pieces of rat turd? What exactly is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

Herman's Archangel? Herman's Archangel? I'm going to give you 3 seconds...exactly 3 [bleep]ing seconds...to get your useless slimey twinkle-toed blood-sucking carcass out of that ground.

Well, now, it looks like we've got ourselves a couple of AWOL scumbag plants in our garden here WHO HAVE JUST SIGNED THEIR OWN DEATH WARRANT!

As for the rest of you, now...I consider all of you equally worthless. You will learn that I am hard. You will not like me, but the more you hate me, the more you will grow.

If you ladies leave my island, if you survive my plant training, you will be a force, ministers of blooming praying for pollination. But until that day, you are pukes. And my orders are to weed out all slackers who are not fit to serve in my beloved Corps.

Carry on.

5 comments:

Barb the Evil Genius said...

Scottius, you are ROTFLOL funny!! I think our lilies may be poking their heads up here, but I'm not sure. I'm obviously nowhere near the gardener that you are.

Scottius Maximus said...

Barb!

Thanks, but all those lines are R. Lee Ermey originals from the movie "Full Metal Jacket." I just adapted them to my garden for this post. Which does indeed have a couple of AWOL plants so far this spring.

Barb the Evil Genius said...

Oh, I knew where the lines were from. Heck, you are not the first person to apply teh funny to Full Metal Jacket. I just loved your take on it!

Barb the Evil Genius said...

Ooops. Here it is. I can't use Firefox to comment right now; I have to use SeaMonkey instead. Blogger is being a pain.

Scottius Maximus said...

Barb!

Thanks. Sometimes Firefox can be a big pain when mixing with Blogger.