Things That Weren't To Be

There are moments in life where we realize the things we dreamed of accomplishing before death are not going to happen. We won't make the major leagues. We won't be rock stars. Millions won't get made. Greatness will not be achieved. Speeches don't get made.

On my laundry list of things to do before I die, I've concluded I just don't have enough time left to accomplish certain things. It doesn't mean I don't consider them important. I just realize they're not going to get done. Other priorities have evolved.

So, in the spirit of sharing ideas, I give these bits of brilliance up, hoping someone, somewhere, will take up the paddle and run with it.

Things I will never accomplish in this life:

1. Produce a remake of the sitcom "Frasier", only with chimps instead of human actors.

2. Write an autobiography of someone other than myself.

3. Publish a book about the 20 greatest county fairs in the history of Macon County.

4. Win my battle with Miriam Webster regarding the proper tense of the verb 'sprinkle'. Although I resign myself that I can't possibly win in my lifetime, I continue to believe in the correctness of 'today I sprinkle, yesterday I sprankled, and in the past I have sprunkled.' However, maybe I can convince my pastor of its use for baptisms.

5. Create a video game in the spirit of "Guitar Hero". Only this one would be called "Opera Hero", and one would have to re-create the sounds of great opera solos and arias, using just the buttons of one's controller. And to think I've always wanted to pretend to be Beverly Sills.

6. My insect collection shall go incomplete. After having amassed approximately 150 kinds of insects, I am approximately 799,850 species short of having them all. I did the calculations based on my current rate of accumulation, and I don't think I'll make it to be 231,883 and 1/2.

7. I will never complete my scale model of the Korean War Battle of Kapyong, made entirely of dry macaroni and peat moss.

8. I just don't have the time to train my hair into 'the Slim Jim'.

9. I'll never complete my negotiations with Campbell's to market a line of "Campbell's Soup Ice Cream".

10. I'll never win an award for my blog. And I think this post seals the deal.