Yogi LaRussa (Or Is It Tony LaBerra)?

It's kind of late, I'm tired, and tomorrow's Monday. But I don't think it is just me. Can anyone make sense of the following excerpt, which is on the Cardinals official website 2005 spring training notes, in regards to Matt Morris' spring?

"Morris had surgery to clean some fraying in his right labrum during the offseason, leaving him somewhat behind his fellow hurlers when camp opened. However, that gap seems to be closing all the time, and the team is not ruling out the possibility that Morris could start the season on the active roster.
'It's safer to say that he's afraid of everything," manager Tony La Russa said when asked about that possibility. "Whether it's bullpen [sessions], when he's throwing batting practice, when he's gonna appear in a Grapefruit League game; right now, he's on schedule to be ahead of everything. And that's the farthest that we should go with it, because it is gonna depend on each step.' "

Huh? I'm not on drugs, so for that last paragraph I'm going to need an interpreter. It's safer to say that he's afraid of everything? What does that mean? I've never known Morris to be afraid of anything, he's too cool and laid back. The pier leading from Morris state of consciousness to a total coma is a short one.

And how about this line- he's on schedule to be ahead of everything? That is classic Yogi Berra-like stuff. But the reporter apparently had no follow up questions to this perfectly illogical analysis from our manager- like, for instance, "Tony, what the heck are you talking about?" That would have been my follow up question. On schedule to be ahead of everything? Doesn't that mean he's not on schedule, because he's ahead of schedule? Or does that mean he is on schedule now but the rate at which he is improving will soon put him ahead of schedule? But if he's on schedule, then he can't be ahead of everything, can he? Being ahead of everything kind of misses the definition of being on schedule, doesn't it? Now here's a quote from me: It's safer to say I'm afraid of everything LaRussa is saying about being ahead of everything on schedule. And that last sentence makes about as much sense as this whole quoted statement by LaRussa.

I haven't been this confused since the whole dateline thing in January. Right, Maria?


"LaRussa's comments confuse me too!"


And one last question. Do you think after getting paid $12 million last year, Matt Morris could show up to throw with a top that doesn't have an underarm hole? And either his beard has some grey in it, or Matt dribbled some milk on it at breakfast and forgot to wipe it off. (Sorry to pick on Matt; he's always been one of my favorites, although he's a bit flaky- kind of like me I guess). And I still love the beard.