Thursday, May 12, 2005

I'm Telling You I Could Make Up This Crap

Unbelievably and inadvertantly funny article linked at World Magazine's Blog. It seems Hollywood types are trying to create series to appeal to a "Christian" audience. But they just don't get it. Gilligan's Island looks more and more Shakespearean every day. From World, here are some of the crack ideas:

Fox's Point Pleasant, "about a teenager who is the daughter of the devil" flopped. Fox said it had trouble meshing "teen lust with spirituality." The jury is still out on next season's Book of Daniel, featuring "a pill-popping Episcopal priest who has the ability to talk about his drug addiction with a hip, modern-day Jesus," and Briar + Graves, with "a hard-drinking, gun-toting excommunicated priest who has sworn to battle evil in the name of God. Along the way, he teams up with a neurologist who is in the process of examining her own beliefs."

Well, folks, put me in touch with Fox. I have several ideas for new TV series that are just as good or better than these:

1- "Tuco and Hemp"- Story set in the old west, picks up where "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly" left off. Tuco, as you'll remember, made a living with Clint Eastwood's nameless gunslinger. Eastwood's character would "capture" the wanted man Tuco, bring him to the local authority, collect the cash prize, and as Tuco was about to be hung, shoot him down and rescue him. The two would travel to the next town and repeat the process, collecting quite a bit of money.

One day, the man with no name is a no show, and Tuco is hung. Only the rope he is hung with possesses the spirit of a "good angel", named Hemp, and breaks off before he hits bottom. Tuco once again escapes.

The rope-angel around his neck speaks to Tuco, convincing him the Lord has spared his life. Traveling the old west as the circuit preaching duo "Tuco and the Rope That Hung Him", they encounter adventure after adventure while preaching tolerance and respect to the cowboys they meet.

2-"Panthera"- A motorcycle riding Siberian tiger travels with a Calvinist preacher on his Harley back and forth from coast to coast, encountering numerous "seekers" on the way. Each week at the end of the episode, the tiger would corner that week's "seeker", and, through no action of the stranger, either mauls him to death or spares him. This would be a fascinating way to teach the Calvinistic doctrine of "double predestination", and the drama of whether the stranger lives or dies would surely have folks turning in.

3- "Osteen's Obstacles"- Mega-smiler Joel Osteen is kidnapped by a band of rogue dwarves, led by Mini-Me, and taken to various countries in the world where Christians are persecuted, tortured, and martyred. Osteen encounters self-doubt and difficulties connecting with his audiences, who for some reason don't respond to his gospel of wealth and happiness as their children's eyes are gouged out, arms cut off, and spouses murdered for the sake of Christ the Lord. Osteen must then search "within" to answer the tough questions, like "why doesn't my flock drink more latte at my services?", or "why isn't my 'living without a Mercedes' ministry doing better?"

4- "Gollum Pyle, USMC"- To capitalize on the popularity of "Lord Of The Rings" with the Christian audience, Smeagol could get his own sit-com. Based on the 1960s Gomer, Gollum is inducted into the marines and sent to Camp Henderson, where he could be the classic "fish out of water". Sergeant Carter would have to break out the Prilosec each week.

Sgt. Carter: "Pyle, if you don't put that ring down and look at me when I talk to you, that ring is going to end up buried in a place you can't reach."
Gollum: "Master hates us. Sergeantses hates the precious."
Sgt. Carter: "Pyle, quit calling me 'master'. I am a sergeant. Now get moving, Pyle. MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!"

5- "Morris' Beard"- In the year 2250, clipped remnants of Matt Morris now famous beard are found by a humanoid group that was "left behind" at the rapture. The group believes the beard to possess special powers, and when word leaks out about this, the "anti-Christ" comes looking for it. This should appeal to all those premillenial "Left Behind" fans out there.

See, I can write crap just as good as Hollywood can, no?. Somebody get me Fox's number.

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