Friday, October 28, 2005

Scottius "Encyclopedia Brown" Maximus And The Case Of The Copa Cabana

The subject of this exposition is that this man pictured above is a trouble-maker. Not in the sense that he does so purposely. It's all unintentional. But nonetheless, he's an instigator, like Woody Woodpecker.

Sure, he looks innocent. But, oh, what havoc this singer has reaped in the world of "Man-dom" since his arrival on the music scene.

A case in point. It seems this wretched woman commandeered State of Illinois property to drive 150 miles to see a Barry Manilow concert in January 2002. And then tried to get reimbursed for it. Which led to her resignation from her position and arrest. She has now been convicted and is awaiting sentencing. Tough story, right?

Well, it's too bad I'm no journalist. Because this story, as pathetic as it is, is not the "real story". And any journalist worth his weight in ink would be able to see it.

Read the second paragraph. Her husband ACCOMPANIED HER TO A BARRY MANILOW CONCERT. That is the real story here. And yet we are not told anything else about this.

How many questions immediately pop in to your mind? One? Five? Twelve? Fifty? I could hardly get past this statement.

What does this reporter mean, "What she did was attend a Barry Manilow concert in Rosemont with her husband?" The real question is WHY? Don't give me facts about the trial. Give me facts about this man. Why would a grown man do this?

It is obvious this reporter doesn't recognize a real story when it hits them between the eyes.

Since this reporter did not go after the real story, and since I'm not a journalist, I'd like Columbo to take this case. Because it is possible that other crimes were committed here.

What did this guy do that he had to accompany his wife to a Barry Manilow concert? I'm stunned.

In the world of Man-dom, few things would be more punishment than this. Every guy in America would rather spend a night on their frozen tundra of a lawn in the backyard doghouse than accept this punishment. They'd rather do laundry for a thousand Sundays than this.

I'll bet this husband is not a longshoreman. A merchant marine. A policeman or fireman. A soldier or construction worker. Just a hunch.

Not that Barry is not a fine musician. He is. But it's just that it's rumored that Barry is...and, well, his male fans are...well, YOU KNOW. "Not that there's anything wrong with that".

No other man has ever had the thought occur, "Hey, I'd love to go to a Barry Manilow concert."

I can think of one thing worse than being forced to attend this concert, and that is being forced to attend this concert and having your local newspaper snap a picture of you there. That would be the end of life as you know it.

So what did he do? Spend too many nights with the boys playing poker? Participate in a Christmas party gone bad? Get caught in a lie? Visit a gentleman's club? Whatever it is, it has to be big. HUGE. Otherwise he would have never bought tickets to a Barry Manilow concert to make up for it.

It couldn't have been that he forgot to take the garbage out. Or he let the lawn get too long. In marriage, the punishment must fit the crime.

Boy, if I were a reporter, I wouldn't let an important story like this get sidetracked by an insignificant state employee misusing state property. But I guess this is what a blogger does best. Get at the heart of the story when the MSM won't.


  1. First of all, you blaspheme! Every girl my age KNOWS Barry Manilow is NOT gay. After all, he was in love with Melissa Manchester. Here, I'll prove it:

    Spirits move me
    every time I'm near you
    Whirling like a cyclone in my mind
    Sweet Melissa
    angel of my lifetime
    Answer to all answers I can find

    Baby, I love you,
    come, come, come into my arms
    Let me know the wonder of all of you

    2. The above lyrics demonstrate why any man would attend a Barry Manilow concert with his wife. That song is the #1 get-my-wife-in-the-mood song, if there has ever been one (and I'm not really that much of a Barry Manilow fan.)

    I think I just said too much...

  2. "Every girl my age KNOWS Barry Manilow is NOT gay. After all, he was in love with Melissa Manchester."

    Ooops. Sorry. But who said anything about him being gay? Your word, not mine.

    In the future,if I'm not careful, I'll probably post something about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus not being real.

    "I think I just said too much..."

    The title of my new autobiography.

  3. Very funny. You did, too. With you little Seinfeld link. Ha.

  4. What?! He is a Seinfeld fan, right?!

    But getting back to the real question- what's this poor guy's story?

    And, regarding "I think I just said too much..."

    I have a better idea. I'll ixnay the idea of this being the title of my new autobiography. It's a great title for a blog, and since you have been looking to change the title of yours (what with that troll and all), why not use it?

  5. I did change my name and now I working on a new blog. Check it

    Is the title too esoteric? Or do you get it? I will drop my original blog as soon as I transfer things over, but that will take days I'm sure. I wish I had never used my last name, but hindsight is 20/20. I'm pretty sure my troll is overseas - Norway, I think. I've got the IPs saved, but he's not commenting anymore.

  6. P.S. I would hope that "I think I just said too much" NOT become my motto! I just save that for other people's blogs! :)