Sunday, January 29, 2006

How To Get Out Of Jury Duty, Part One

My poor wife has been summonsed for jury duty in March. And I'm doing my darnedest trying to think of excuses for her to get out of it.

It's not that serving on a jury is not a noble thing. It is, I'm sure. It's just that you have to know my wife, Mrs. Maximus. It is within the realm of possibility that something will befall her such as happened to Rob Petrie in the photo above.

So, I've mustered my best efforts, and come up with what I believe is a fool-proof plan to escape said disaster during the week she is called to serve.

- She should declare she has "temporarily" converted to Islam, and it just so happens she has a jihad planned for that day. Wearing a burka will help her cause.

- Offer free season tickets to the Cardinals inaugural season at the new Busch Stadium. Once her bribe is accepted, she will need to run like mad to the nearest computer to see if she can actually find someone selling tickets. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

- She should stand up as the day's proceedings begin, point to someone randomly in the courtroom, and yell, "He has a bomb!" During the ensuing melee, she can sneak out a side exit.

Point to as many people as possible, repeating the mantra, "HE DID IT" or "SHE DID IT."

At the first opportunity, say quite loudly, in her best Beavis or Butthead voice, "Uh...Huh huh huh...Uh...Huh huh huh...He said reBUTTal! Uh huh huh huh!"

If anyone has any better ideas, such as excuses that won't actually land her in jail, please e-mail me.

And don't worry. She has more sense than to listen to me.

1 comment:

  1. Just say everyone's guilty because they are a sinner or go with the statement that they must be guilty... why else would the sheriff (police) arrest them??