Friday, February 17, 2006

Open Letter To Jacques Rogge

Jacques Rogge, President
Internation Olympic Committee
Lausanne, Switzerland

Dear Mr. Rogge:

I am writing tonight to express my appreciation for the quality of this year's Winter Olympics. While I don't necessarily agree that everything in these games is a "sport", I do agree that most of it is competition at its finest.

Take last night's Snowboard Cross. This new "sport" can only add to the "prestige" of the Olympics. Why this was not thought worthy of our attention before now is a tragedy. I mean, didn't anyone realize the entertainment potential of watching snowboarders barrelling down slopes and over jumps and waves with three others at the same time? Even a NASCAR fan can appreciate its carnage potential.

But use this knowledge to your advantage. Really push the envelope here. I have some new "competitions" that I am SURE will send your TV ratings through the roof. I have listed some here with a brief description.

1) "Blindfold Freestyle Skiing"- Mt. Dew addicted "athlete-dudes" put on a blindfold and hit the slopes, doing aerial jumps through flaming hoops and over churning windmills.

2) "Crocodile Ski Jump"- The regular Ski Jump adds a new twist: there are large water pits teeming with crocodiles surrounding the so-called "safe" landing zone.

3) "Wolfpack Super G"- The Super G could be jazzed up by having packs of hungry wolves around various corners of the course, randomly selected and at a location unbeknownst to the racer.

4) "Adventure Hockey"- Each player has the option to use his or her stick as a weapon. Most goals, or the team with the only players still standing, wins.

5) "Figure Wrestling"- It's figure skating. And its professional wrestling on ice. Two skaters wrestle each other. With ropes, turnbuckles, and salchows. Have Macho Man Randy Savage announce with Scott Hamilton. "OOOH YEAH- that was a nice triple toe loop piledriver, Scott."

6) "Short Track Speed Skating Baseball"- Four skaters on the track at a time. Each speed skater carries a baseball bat, which he can use as the need arises. I don't think I need to detail this further.

7) "Bobsled Jumping"- Just run the bobsleds down the ski jump ramp. Points awarded for length of jump, style, and number of broken bones.

I think you can agree that these events would make the Winter Olympics more exciting than ever.

Please consider these options for the 2010 games in Vancouver. I would be willing to work on these experimental selections with you. For a "small" fee, of course. Have your people call my people. Or just e-mail me.

Later dude,

Scottius Maximus