Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Random Thoughts On A Beautiful Spring Day

- There would have been no Beatlemania if one of the fab four were named Larry. I'm sorry if your name's Larry. But it's true. Think about it for a second. John, Paul, George, and Ringo has a certain panache. Larry doesn't figure in with any combination of the other 3. Maybe it's because it is forever a Stooge name.

- Have you ever been stopped at a light and been so distracted you didn't notice the light turned green? Sure you have. But I have the perfect solution, if I can convince some city government to implement my plans. Ready? Starter's pistols that go off when the light turns green.

- Why do women call their little parties "showers"? Strike that. I don't want to know.

- When whoever it was was trying to invent the first set of drums, did their first prototype have the drummer trying to strike the stick with the drum?

- When there is only one castaway alive from the Gilligan's Island cast, will that person be declared the victor, a la Survivor? We're down to the Professor, Ginger, and Mary Ann. Is it in bad taste to have a "pool" about such things?

- Who figured out you could "pop" corn? What, did someone stand around all day putting different kinds of vegetable seeds in hot pans to see what would happen?

- Why do we have vegetable soups, but no fruit soups? Cream of Banana sounds okay to me.

- By the same token, why only fruit smoothies yet no vegetable smoothies? It's like we have all decided as a race of people that fruit must be served cold and vegetables hot. I mean, I know a green onion smoothie doesn't sound the best, but how do we know what it would taste like? Has anyone tried it? Come on, we can be more creative than this.

- At the start of a divine service, I noticed the front pews in the center aisle and in the north aisle were not occupied. Since our pew would not be empty if we left it, I suggested that one of us move to the front pew on the north and the other move to the front pew in the center. I cannot stand it when the front pews are empty. My wife looked at me like I was crazy. Or something.

- How can yogurt and cottage cheese go bad? Aren't they half decayed already?

- How do you eat a danish with jelly in the center? Do you plow through it like Grant through Richmond, or do you carefully consider your jelly distribution with each bite, eating it in a circular motion so that each piece has the same amount of jelly? And what about jelly donuts?

- The Biblical books of Jude and Philemon I believe don't get the respect they deserve because they have only one chapter. So I propose that instead of verses, each numeric division in these books represent an entire chapter. Voila, Jude now has 25 chapters and Philemon 25. There, you think more of them now, don't you?

- Is Albert Pujols real or a figment of all of our imaginations? I propose the latter, because no one could be that good.

- Turkey should be served cold. The flavor is much better. The warm stuff can be banned as far as I'm concerned.

- Who gets to decide the news? Someone is deciding what the news is. It's all the same on all the channels. How could that be otherwise?

- My family's homemade ice cream recipe calls for eggs. It's great stuff. It's my grandma's recipe. But when I tried making it, it didn't turn out too well. I improvised with deviled eggs. However, I couldn't get them to mix well in the ice cream. It didn't taste the same. And it tasted funny.

- If eating plants/vegetables and grains is so good for you, how come cows have so much fat in them?

- If men can be convinced to wear mullets, then I'm sure they'll go for what I call the lateral mullet. Grow the hair short in front and back, and let it grow long on the sides over the ears and also the side burns. Although it would probably look quite canine.

- If we have to have sequels to movies, then how come we don't have sequels to songs? I would have loved to have heard the sequel to "The Streak" by Ray Stevens. Who wouldn't? We only have a couple I remember- The Snoopy and Red Baron songs and the Purple People Eater songs.

- And finally, does anyone else look at the new Mission: Impossible preview clips now being shown and think to themselves, "Tom Cruise is a crazy man, I can't watch that". I don't think I'll ever be able to watch his movies again.


  1. Oh sure, post my favorite Random Thoughts quiz the week my son is getting confirmed and I'm madly cleaning and cooking (not to mention being "slightly" preoccupied with American Idol). Here are my learned responses:

    1. Larry and the Beatles: Well, how do you explain "Ringo"?

    2. Starter pistols at green lights: Bad idea, unless there was a guy in the middle of the road with a flag (ala Indy 500).

    3. Showers: We womenfolk shower the recipient with our love, doncha know?

    4. Everyone knows that toddler boys invented the first drums...not much thought went into the design.

    5. The victor of Gilligan's Island: You have a really good show idea...morbid, but good. Shop it!

    6. The first kernel of corn popped: I have actually wondered this myself. One explanation: There is a legend that old-timers tell of one particular summer when it got so hot that the corn in the fields stared popping right off the stalks. The cows and pigs thought it was a snow blizzard and they lay down and froze to death.

    7. Ah, you are wrong about fruit soups, my friend. You are obviously not Norwegian. I had Norwegian Fruit Soup at Uff Da! Days in Dovray, MN a few years ago. It was delicious! (

    8. No vegetable smoothies, but I do like fresh pressed beet, carrot and apple juice from my cousin's juice bar/restaurant in Winnipeg:

    9. Pew question: Your wife was right.

    10. How can yogurt and cottage cheese go bad? : They just do!

    11. You shouldn't be eating donuts!

    12. Since you weren't around during the canonization of the books, you don't get to comment.

    13. Who's Albert Pujols? A hockey player?

    14. Agreed.

    15. The only people who get to decide the news are credentialed media people. Everyone knows that. Just ask Kathleen Parker.

    16. That's just sick. Don't waste my time.

    17. The body turns carbs into fat (I realize there is a longer scientific process). Atkins was right.

    18. The Lateral Mullet: This has already been done -

    19. Sequels to songs: This has been done - Confessions and Confessions, pt. 2, both by Usher.

    20. Tom Cruise. Uggh. No words to describe.

  2. Ha! I found more sequel songs:

    Harry Chapin wrote a sequel to his famous tune, Taxi, profoundly called "Sequel".


    Some radio folks created the "Bomb Saddam Song" as a sequel to their hit, "Bin Laden Bomb Song".

  3. 1. Ringo is not a stooge name.
    2. Flag guys- good idea.
    3. faced I am.
    4. Yeah...ours used a spoon on some nice piano keys.
    5. Thanks.
    6. (In best Chris Farley Show voice), " that true?"
    7. Weren't the Uff Da's in the Willie Wonka movie?
    8. Beets are something the Ingalls would eat when they were starving. No excuse for eating them nowadays.
    9. Must be a chick thing.
    10. But I have to know how!
    11. Donuts rule.
    12. Note to self- stop writing your life's work- The Scottius Maximus Bible Commentary.
    13. Funniest line I've heard all year!
    14. Polar Turkeys taste the best, by the way.
    15. It's worse than I thought. The news is decided by someone who was in "Romancing the Stone"?
    16. Why is it that every person who's ever read my blog says that at some point?
    17. So we should feed cows fried foods. In fact, for my next get rich quick scheme, I am going to market a whole chain of animal fast food restaurants. Brilliant!
    18. My next post, whatever happened to Robby Benson, is no longer necessary. But that stuff is not really mullet.
    19. Who's this Usher group? And I'm talking about blockbuster songs, not obscure ones.
    20. He has what I like to call "the crazy eyes".

    Congratulations on the confirmation.

  4. Kathleen Turner was in Romancing the Stone. Kathleen Parker, a (supposed) fellow conservative blasted all bloggers last December: