Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Ripley's- Believe It Or Not

Has anyone else noticed that Jason Isringhausen has not blown a save in over a week? Despite giving up one run in the ninth and having the tying run on 3rd before getting the final out last night?

Well, we here at Scottius Maximus Investigations take such intrigue very seriously. As in asking the question, what's up? And we've discovered the answer.

You'll not see this published anywhere else out there on the internet. Why I don't know, probably because conspiracy theorists don't care about such things. But it seems our hero was paid a visit recently by a "motivational speaker."

Our sources have placed in our hands a nice little videotape, which transcript is provided here:

(Scene: The Dugout at Busch Stadium)
Tony LaRussa: Jason! Jason! Come here!
Jason Isringhausen: WHAT?!!!
TLR: Jason, I'm so glad you've decided to join us for this little discussion. I don't have to tell you that we've all been a little disappointed in your performance lately. We know you've been wondering what to do. And Dunc and I have decided that what you need is a little direction, a little pick me up, if you will.
Izzy: (Suspiciously) Yeah...what have you got in mind?
TLR: Well, Dunc and I have talked it over and we've brought in a motivational speaker to talk to you. Now he's been out in the bullpen for the past 4 hours pounding iced cappucino and Mt. Dews. He's used to speaking to larger audiences, so cut him a little slack, huh?
Izzy: (Rubbing his head) You kiddin'?
TLR: Just make him feel at home, alright...Hey, Matt, come on in, we're ready for ya...Now his speech is called "Go For It", so we'd appreciate it if you'd just hear him out.
(Matt Foley storms in to the dugout from the top steps)

Matt: Alright, how's everybody? Good, good, good...Now as your manager probably told you, my name is Matt Foley and I AM a motivational speaker. Let's start by me giving you a little scenario of what my life is all about...I am 35 years old...I am divorced...and I live in a VAN down by the river!

Now you're probably thinking to yourself that I'm going to go out on that mound and grab the world by the tail and win all kinds of awards...but I'm here to tell you that as you go through this little career of yours you're probably not going to amount to JACK SQUAT! Your going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a VAN down by the river!
Now young man, what do you want to do with your career?
Izzy: Well, Matt, actually, I just kind of actually want to be best closer in the game of baseball.
Matt: Well now...LAH-DEE-FRICKIN' DAH! (Walks over to LaRussa) Hey Tony, I can't see real well, that Bruce Sutter over there?
TLR: Actually Matt, we are trying to encourage Izzy in his pitching.
Matt: Tony, I wish you'd just shut your big YAPPER!
Now from what I've heard, Izzy, you've been yacking up more games than you've been saving, haven't ya? Well, you'll have plenty of time to blow up the game in the 9th inning for your team're living in a van down by the river!
Now you're probably asking yourself, "Hey, Matt, how can I get back on the right track!" Well as I see it there is only one solution- and that is for me to get my gear and move it on in here...'cause I'm going to bunk with you buddy. WE'RE GOING TO BE BUDDIES, WE'RE GOING TO BE PALS! Old Matt's going to be your shadow. Here's Izzy, here's Matt. There's Izzy, there's Matt
(Matt crashes in to the bench and breaks it)

WHOOPS! Whoops-a-daisy. We're going to have to clean that up I'm going to go get my stuff out of the bullpen.
TLR: Uh, Matt, that's okay, you don't have to do that, thanks for all you've done!

Matt: Tony, I'm movin' in... I'm sick and tired of living in a VAN down by the river! (He exits)
TLR: Okay, let's get out of here...everyone to the bus.
Izzy: I swear, Tony, I'll never blow another save ever again...just keep that guy away from me.


  1. Anytime you can find a good use for the phrase, "LAH-DEE-FRICKIN' DAH!", you are guaranteed to get a few chuckles from the peanut gallery.

  2. That was me and I didn't intend to be anonymous. Ooops.

  3. Thanks, Rebecca.

    Thanks, TK. And thanks for clarifying your identity. I about had a heart attack thinking Buffalo Bob Smith was commenting to me from the grave, what with the peanut gallery reference.

  4. You gonna submit this gem to the Carnival?

  5. Danke, Herr Afer. Although I appreciate the compliment, my silliness makes this blog and its posts far from appropriate Carnival material.

    Thanks, Miss Lucy.