Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Random Thoughts On A Nice Winter's Day

Think it's outrageous to pay $100 for medicines that may only last a couple weeks? Well, I have the answer. Combine pharmaceuticals with groceries. Drug food. Put the Prozac in the parmesan cheese. Nexium noodles. Rogaine lettuce. At least you'll feel like you're getting something for your hard earned cash, instead of just a few grains of medicine.

A local radio station has a program on Saturday mornings where people can call in the show to buy, sell or exchange...well, there's no other way to say it...junk. It's called "Swap Shop", and there are a bunch of rules of what you cannot buy or sell. Like firearms and real estate. But I guess everything else is fair game, because last Saturday someone called in stating they wanted to buy a wench. I was shocked, quite frankly.

The last time I listened to the song "Lady" by the group Styx, I was amazed at some of the high pitches that song attains. But I could have swore some of the instruments reaching those high pitched tones were power tools.

Has anyone who wears glasses ever forgotten to take them off, and gotten in the shower with them still on? And then you're looking around in the shower and thinking, boy everything seems brighter in here today? And then you see the crud on the floor of the shower that you've never seen before, and start wondering what the heck that is, so you bend over and immediately realize you still have the glasses on as the large drops of water pour down upon them, so now you can't see anything? And now a decision has to be made, do I get out of the shower dripping wet to put them away, do I just work around them and keep them on, or do I take them off and put them somewhere in the shower and hope the don't get crushed by something? Yeah, me neither.

Who had the more unique voice- Freddie Mercury or Barry Gibb?

I think a great guitarist who is all but forgotten is Gary Richrath of REO Speedwagon. Before they sold out to sing pop songs, they were a great rock band. If you listen to their early stuff, he was really awesome.

Speaking of REO Speedwagon, if you want to have some fun at the next school event you attend, sing the National Anthem like you're imitating Kevin Cronin. Like, "Oh, say can you see-YAH, by the dawn's early light-AH..."

I always try to sing like Tom Jones myself. And I must be getting pretty good at it, because people at church, even those who are sitting several rows in front of me, are always turning around to look.

If a house divided against itself cannot stand, why celebrate diversity? In fact, if we don't stop this diversity crap, it's going to be American Civil War Part 2 in this country before the end of the 21st Century. Why can't we all just be Americans? that I think about it, maybe that radio guy actually meant a winch.

Is there a more obnoxious commercial than that Citi ad with the middle-aged foreign guy you can't even understand? Exactly who is this supposed to appeal to anyway?

I know this has been expressed elsewhere, but why does the country of Holland call itself 'The Netherlands' and its people 'the Dutch'? Makes no sense. So in that same lunatic spirit, I propose the country of the United States call itself 'The Uberlands', and its people be called 'the Hootch'.

I know NASA has been struggling in recent years to remain relevant. I have an idea. The fastest growing sport is NASCAR, right? I propose NASA join forces with NASCAR to make a little something called NASACAR. Fly rockets into space for racing purposes. The international space station could serve as the pit stop. If people tune in now to see the car crashes, just wait until NASACAR starts. The carnage factor would be spectacular.

I hate the tail wagging the dog all the time in this country. Which is why, although I am not a big fan of the University of Illinois, I am disgusted by their decision to bow to the kooks who wanted to get rid of Chief Illiniwek. I think it was the faculty of the university that was the biggest factor in this. Everyone knows the Chief was not a demeaning personality, and people loved him. He was always respected and honored, around these parts at least. No one laughed at him or thought to themselves, "That's hilarious, get a load of that Injun Boy." On the contrary, most people thought it an honorable nod to a bygone era of this locale. It was all just a political power play. Once there are no more Native American team nicknames, I predict within the next 50 years someone will start complaining that there are no Native American team nicknames.

In that spirit, I propose we change the nickname of the University's sports teams to "The Fighting Highlanders," as many people who settled the state's Southern area were originally of Scottish or Scotch-Irish ancestry. I guarantee you no one would complain, and might even be flattered by it. Or, if that isn't pleasing, you could choose one of these nicknames.

I keep hearing that blacks won't vote for Obama because he's not black enough. What tone do they want? Have we stooped so low that me must now classify ourselves, not by race, but by flesh tone? Should we have meters to measure such things, so that on surveys we can start using a number instead of a color when it asks our race? By the way, I'm #DDBD63.

I heard somewhere that 'Saturday in the Park', a catchy tune popularized by the musical group Chicago, was actually originally titled 'Saturday Nights With Spock'. Don't believe me? Just substitue the title or the name Spock in the lyrics where appropriate. It fits perfect.

Ashkenazi Jews are my favorite ethnic group. Why? Because I like to say "Ashkenazi".

Official state things (like State Flower, State Bird, State Animal, State Insect, State Motto, State Rock, etc.) are all noble ideas. But they are hardly reflective of the harsh, fallen world we live in. To even it out a little bit, I propose each state who has one of the above should come up with the following:
State Disease

State Criminal
State Crime
State Pollutant
State Drug
State Rodent
State Alcoholic Beverage
State Fast Food.

Finally, why don't we have the US Olympics? You know, have Olympic competitions, open to US citizens, only the athletes compete under the banner of their home state? We could hold it every four years in a different city. I'll get it started. The 2007 US Olympics will be held in Winnemucca, Nevada.


  1. Gary Richrath was, without a doubt, one of the greatest guitarists of all time.

  2. Quipper!

    I'm leaning more toward Barry Gibb as far as a "unique" sound, although I believe Freddie had more talent than anyone I've ever heard.


    I knew I couldn't be the only one who thought that. Thanks for the comment and links.