Another Nomination

For Worst Christmas Song Ever.

Thanks to Polly for reminding us of this attempt at schmaltzy emotional manipulation this time of year. That "Christmas Shoes" song.

And notice what Christmas is all about in this song. It's right there in the lyrics. I'm so glad it tells us, because I have been confused for years that Christmas was about Christ coming in to the world to save us from our sins.

"It was almost Christmas time,
there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two,
not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me
was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
His clothes were worn and old,
he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say
Chorus:Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes
So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
Bridge:I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about
Repeat Chorus".

So now there are four nominations. Any others? Time is growing short.

A Call For Nominations

This year we will continue the gloriously great "Scottius Maximus Family Christmas" tradition of picking the Worst Christmas Song Ever.

When the song is picked, feel free to print out the lyrics and join your family in the traditional Scottius Maximus custom. Gather your family around the tree in a circle and join hands, whereupon you will rapidly rotate the group counterclockwise as fast as you can around the tree while singing the selected song. It helps if you chug 3 cups of egg nog right before doing this. Whoever hurls first is declared "Grand Roi de Mauvaise Chanson" for the year. Then everyone exhanges socks.

From now until 12/18/2005 I will accept song nominations.

There are a few rules...

- The song must be ridiculous.
- The song must have reference to "Christmas" but have absolutely nothing to do with Christ or His birth.
- It must be a "real" song. That is to say, it must be published, copyrighted, or recorded. Limmericks and ribaldry are not acceptable.
- Lyrics must be provided to me so I can post them, i.e., I will not do your research.

Last year there were three nominees: "The Candy Kid", "Christmas On The Moon", and "Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas". The latter was the winner last year.

I am re-nominating them this year. Here they are, in all their lyrical splendor.

1) "Candy Kid" by Tony Romeo:
"Feelin' so depressed I wasn't up to getting dressed
it was a Saturday night so I decided against a party.
There was Christmas in the air and you could feel it ev'rywhere,
and it kinda brought me down cuz I felt I just wasn't ready.
I headed on down to the center of town
Where folks were shopping around
and all the colored lights were pretty.
And suddenly I could hear so loud and so clear
such beautiful music and the rhythm was happy.

Chorus:
It was the Candy Kid from the mission Bow'ry.
A hobo Santa working for the Salvation Army.
Come drop a nickel in the kettle.
The Candy Kid will dance your troubles away.

Watchin' him move, people couldn't help but groove
And they were clappin' their hands and singin', "Come on Candy."
While we were caught in this glow it may have started to snow,
I don't know, I don't know, my happy soul was diggin' Candy. (Chorus)"

2) "Christmas on the Moon." Words and music by Jerry Silverman:
"Christmas on the moon, let's spend Christmas on the moon,
Far above the earth and its cares, we'll catch Santa unawares.
We'll float beneath the starry skies, and we'll watch the old earth rise,
On an old time Christmas like we uster, rendezvousing with our booster.
For the boy and girl with ev'rything, how about a little lunar fling?
In a capsule that's just built for two, let's rocket to the moon, I mean, sock it to the moon.
And we'll spend Christmas on the moon, let's spend Christmas on the moon,
'Round and 'round the moon we will go, in our guided mistletoe.
Away out there in outer space, we'll meet Santa face to face,
All the Christmas lights will shine so brightly, as we touchdown satellitely.
Just my little honey babe and me, we'll defy the law of gravity.
There is one thing to be thankful for, although we may be weightless, we surely won't be dateless.
For our Christmas on the moon, let's spend Christmas on the moon,
All our blessings we'll be countin' when the earth comes over the mountain,
Let's spend Christmas on the, Christmas on the moon."

3) "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas). By Bill Danoff and Taffy Nivert :
"Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry
Ple-ease Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry.
Just last year when I was only seven
Now I'm almost eight, as you can see
You came home a quarter past eleven
And fell down underneath our Christmas tree.
Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cryyy-yyy-yy
Ple-ease Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry.
Mama smiled and looked outside the window
She told me "Son, you'd better go upstairs."
Then you laughed and hollered "Merry Christmas!"
I turned around and saw my mama's tears
Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry
Ple-ease Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry.
No, I don't want to see my mama cryyyyyy."

Okay. Let's have 'em folks.

And The Winner Was...

Well, after a nice holiday batch of food poisoning, I'm back. So I didn't get the winner of the Worst Christmas Song Ever posted on time for Christmas Eve. Not that it matters, as I'm sure no one is anxious to know that the winner was "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)". I guess better late than never.

Like all the nominees, this creation had nothing to do with Christmas. But it had a lot to do with maudlin sappiness, brutally awful lyrics, and trying very hard to push buttons. So in your continued celebration of the Christmas season, sing a stanza of this winner, the 2004 Worst Christmas Song Ever.

Thank You Sir May I Have Another

Another nominee for Worst Christmas Song Ever. This is not only bad it is monotonous. Here we go again, with "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas), by Bill Danoff and Taffy Nivert :

"Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry
Ple-ease Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry.
Just last year when I was only seven
Now I'm almost eight, as you can see
You came home a quarter past eleven
And fell down underneath our Christmas tree.
Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cryyy-yyy-yy
Ple-ease Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry.
Mama smiled and looked outside the window
She told me "Son, you'd better go upstairs.
"Then you laughed and hollered "Merry Christmas!"
I turned around and saw my mama's tears
Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry
Ple-ease Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my mama cry.
No, I don't want to see my mama cryyyyyy."

What are the descriptive words that come to mind for this "song": Redemptive? Beautiful? Nostalgic? Peaceful? None of the above?

I don't want to see mama cry either, but I think I'd start drinkin' if I had to listen to this.

Alas, Another Contender

Hold the press releases on the Worst Christmas Song Ever. I have another nominee. It is...as bad...as...soap poisoning. It is called "Christmas on the Moon." Words and music by Jerry Silverman. Sing along with me, if you please:

"Christmas on the moon, let's spend Christmas on the moon,
Far above the earth and its cares, we'll catch Santa unawares.
We'll float beneath the starry skies, and we'll watch the old earth rise,
On an old time Christmas like we uster, rendezvousing with our booster.
For the boy and girl with ev'rything, how about a little lunar fling?
In a capsule that's just built for two, let's rocket to the moon, I mean, sock it to the moon.

And we'll spend Christmas on the moon, let's spend Christmas on the moon,
'Round and 'round the moon we will go, in our guided mistletoe.
Away out there in outer space, we'll meet Santa face to face,
All the Christmas lights will shine so brightly, as we touchdown satellitely.
Just my little honey babe and me, we'll defy the law of gravity.
There is one thing to be thankful for, although we may be weightless, we surely won't be dateless.

For our Christmas on the moon, let's spend Christmas on the moon,
All our blessings we'll be countin' when the earth comes over the mountain,
Let's spend Christmas on the, Christmas on the moon."


Oh, I forgot. I hope you did not sing out loud. I would hate for someone to hear you, and thereby end up in the Cuckoo's Nest for Christmas.

I think this one has to be the frontrunner. Winner to be announced Christmas Eve. There is still time for other nominees.

Worst. Christmas Song. Ever.

I nominate "Candy Kid" by Tony Romeo. Found this in an old piano book. Just look at these fine lyrics:

"Feelin' so depressed I wasn't up to getting dressed
it was a Saturday night so I decided against a party.
There was Christmas in the air and you could feel it ev'rywhere,
and it kinda brought me down cuz I felt I just wasn't ready.

I headed on down to the center of town
Where folks were shopping around and all the colored lights were pretty.
And suddenly I could hear so loud and so clear
such beautiful music and the rhythm was happy.

Chorus:
It was the Candy Kid from the mission Bow'ry.
A hobo Santa working for the Salvation Army.
Come drop a nickel in the kettle.
The Candy Kid will dance your troubles away.

Watchin' him move, people couldn't help but groove
And they were clappin' their hands and singin', "Come on Candy."
While we were caught in this glow it may have started to snow,
I don't know, I don't know, my happy soul was diggin' Candy.
(Chorus)"


I don't know, I don't know? Well, actually I do. Yuck.