What's That Smell?

Why, it's none other than Marilyn Manson.

It seems he has a new fragrance to peddle. And nothing says "delicious aroma" like Marilyn Manson. I mean, who hasn't smelled a freshly cut lawn, or a bed of roses, or the atmosphere after a steady rain, or a pine tree, and thought to themselves, "I bet Marilyn Manson smells this good."

Excellent choice, perfume-makers. I'm sure "L'Essence of Bat Hormone" smells wonderful for a night on the town. I'll bet "Parfum de Lavender Corpse" makes the ladies swoon.

Just look at him. Looking at his picture, one cannot help but get the thought, "I want to smell like that guy."

But, they've forgotten more deserving people. I'd much rather see the following get their own fragrance before Mr. Marilyn.

Junior Samples
"Tincture of Hee Haw"


Matt Foley
"Whiff de Government Cheese"


Lawrence Welk
"Polka Parfum Accordion"


Budweiser's "Louie"
"Bouquet de Chameleon "


Paul Harvey
"Paul Harvey's The Rest Of The Scent"


Katie Luther
"Deine Bier Riecht Ausgezeichnet"


John Madden
"Jean Mad'den De Footballer 2006"


Harriet Miers
"L'odeur de SCOTUS."

This Can't Be Good For Business

H&R Block-IRS.
IRS-H&R Block.

That's more awkward that Uma-Oprah. (Although personally I thought that was an awesome moment).

I heard on Paul Harvey's radio news show today that the great tax business, H&R Block, "misunderestimated" their own taxes by $32 million. Come on. Give 'em a break. It's not like they know what they're doing, right?

Tax preparers make $32 million tax mistakes on their own taxes, right? Like...like...like Supreme Court justices get thrown in jail sometimes, right? Like...like...hunters shoot other hunters, right? Like...ambulance drivers stop at Hardee's before completing the emergency run, right? Like fireman sometimes burn down buildings accidently, right?

How does the defense go on this one?

"Sorry, your honor, we hope you can overlook (wink wink) this one." No.

"Sorry, your honor, we weren't as good as we thought we were. I hope you can understand, we're in over our heads." No.

"Look, your honor, we're sorry, but we really have no idea what we're doing. Just please don't tell anyone about this, okay?" No.

"This stinkin' tax code is so ridiculous, judge baby, we couldn't figure it out. And we're "supposed" to know what we're doing." THAT'S IT!

I Can't Disagree With This Opinion

The Hubble Telescope has found two "new" rings and two "new" tiny moons around the planet Uranus.

Which prompted this quote today from my man Paul Harvey on his morning broadcast:


"Let's name that planet something else."

He's right, you know. Whether you use a long or short A in its pronounciation, you get something less than desirable.

How about something with Maximus in it?

Here's My UFO List

The Official Alien Board of Directors.

I wish I could find a link, but I heard this on the radio. I think Paul Harvey, but I may be wrong.

Nelson Mandela was recently voted, by those who believe in aliens and UFOs, as the one person to represent Earth at an interplanetary summit. That's right, when contact is made, they think he would best represent the human race.

First of all, we can't send just one man. No wait, a minute. Let me start over.

First of all, I don't believe in UFOs or aliens. But if I did, then I'd say, first of all, we can't send just one man. We'd have to send a committe. Maybe a committee of 10. But Mandela wouldn't be on my list.

Here's who I think should represent Earth.


1. Space Ghost- Dude already has intergalactic experience.

2. Jimmie "JJ" Walker- We'll surely give those aliens a fright, if we just send "Kid Dyn-O-Mite!"

3. Cubs manager Dusty Baker- He'll be looking for a job soon, and he can explain his theory of how blacks can tolerate and play in the Earth's heat better than whites.

4. Terrrell Owens- It'll get him out of our hair and into theirs.

5. George Foreman- He needs a new market for his famous grilling machine, because everyone on earth now has one.

6. Ozzy Osbourne- If you've heard his slurred speech, you know he can already speak "alien". So let him go and interpret. Plus, I'd just like to see the looks on the alien's faces.

7. Dan Patrick- He could bring the aliens up to date on our pennant races and football season.

8. Anna Nicole Smith- Just 'cause we need a representative of the average American woman. What???!!!

9. Kramer- I just miss seeing this guy. He was my favorite Seinfeld character. I'm sure his antics would be something to see, and he could teach aliens about "apartment levels" and "rubber bladders full of oil."

10. That Sheehan lady- It's the only thing that'll get her out of Crawford. And one hour around this broad and the aliens will likely leave our galaxy and never come back.

I think this is quite a group, don't you?

I thought about including John Madden, but that might delay the release of Madden 2007. So he can be an alternate. Along with Michael Waltrip. That cat is a gas, man!

Madden and Waltrip.


Anybody got any other suggestions?

If You're Going To Try Polygamy...

don't have open heart surgery. In fact, you'd better plan not to get sick at all. Or get in any accidents.

According to Paul Harvey, this schlub in Anglesland had open heart surgery. Like any good wife would, each of his three wives wanted to visit him.

But it seems there was a little problem. None of his wives knew about the other two. So at his hospital bedside, the world's most dysfunctional family reunion was inevitable.

Evidently this man tried his best to keep them apart. Through the tubes and morphine and sedatives, this man was tap-dancing his way through a world-class lattice of deception in his desparate attempts to have the wives visit at differing times. I know it's sick, but I can't help but admire the guy's work ethic while desparately ill.

But it didn't work. They all came and "met up". My mind will not allow me to imagine the scene that went down at dude's bedside. UGLY.

Although the Bible doesn't mention it specifically, I'm quite certain that Solomon didn't have this problem come up.

And to all you kids out there- don't try this at home. And stay in school.