Highlights Of Highlights

A Highlights For Children magazine came to the office today. I remember reading this as a second grader, and maybe a little bit after this, but there was a narrow window of time in which I was interested in it.

When I was looking through it, there were two things I was looking for.

One was Goofus and Gallant. I never "got" Goofus and Gallant. First of all, what kid that you have ever come across has been named Gallant, let alone Goofus. Secondly, if you're a pig, you're a pig. That is to say, if you're a pig, and you read how Goofus and Gallant each behave, chances are you'll still be a pig after reading it. Gallant's gallantry will in no way influence you. And there's no way you see that there is a problem with that Goofus kid. So I don't get the point of the cartoon.


Maybe I can get a grant from the government to study the effectiveness of the "Goofus and Gallant" strip on influencing kid's behavior. My hypothesis is that it does nothing.

And now they look different than they did when I was growing up. Which leads me to the conclusion that the original Goofus and Gallant are all grown up.

Let's see if we can use the imagination God has given us to figure out what the original Goofus and Gallant are up to. I bet Goofus is a biker with a cascade of tattoos covering his drug addicted carcas who has spent more time in jail than rehab. I bet Gallant is an institutionalized psychotic, drummed over the edge by his relentless drive for perfection.

The second running series of Highlights is the Timbertoes. There is nothing in my 42 year old memory banks that seemed to creep me out more at the age of 7 than the Timbertoes. What the heck were these creatures supposed to be? Aliens? Tree People? Insects? How about we just call them Freaks, huh?



They were always scaring the crap out of me from their black and white hell-world. For some reason they all have abdominal swelling, which I would guess is either from cirrhosis of the liver or kwashiorkor. When I ran across a picture of them in the current issue, I physically shuddered. Chills are going down my spine just writing this down. I'm scared folks, and I'm leaving the lights on all night tonight. Whatever those dots are on their torsos seem to multiply as they get older. I won't even get into the hinged hips.


Freakin' Timbertoes. Uuuuuhhhhh.