Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Random Thoughts On A Hot Summer's Day

- The first time I saw the Seinfeld episode dealing with "shrinkage", I couldn't believe my ears. Never before, or after, have I seen two men discuss such things. And yet, all we men knew exactly what they were talking about. It's one of those unwritten things with being a guy that is just understood.

- What is up with those BK Stackers commercials? I mean, I thought we were supposed to live in an age of tolerance and understanding. These commercials are far from that...unless you think using midgets to make hamburgers look huge and pushing the little people around are still okay concepts.

- Because we live in the space age, I propose we put the phrase "off her rocker" to pasture, and use the phrase "off her rocket" instead.

- Have you seen the commercials for the new Sudafed breather tablets. You drop these things in the shower, and the vapors slowly are emitted in the steam (they assume everyone takes hot showers) to be breathed in by the sickly individual. Sort of like how a gas chamber would work. I'd just like to know what Nazi at Sudafed got his kicks developing these things.

- Former major league baseball player Antonio Alfonseca has six fingers on each hand. And six toes on each foot. My questions are as follows:

1) Since he technically has no middle finger, isn't it impossible for him to give someone "The Bird?"
2) How does he go about naming his fingers? The thumb is easy. I get that. The pinky also. But exactly which is the index finger, which is the "ring" finger, and is there an official name for the extra fingers? If not, then I propose officially calling that extra finger "The Mad Hatter Finger". Then I wouldn't have to say Alfonseca has six fingers. That makes him sound kinda weird. All that you'd have to say is "that guy has a Mad Hatter's Finger", and everyone would know what you meant.
3) Same problem comes up in the "piggy game" with a kid with six toes. Who's who and who's eating what?

- I love the Poles. Looks like fun, right ladies?

- In English past tense, why do we say grew for grow and blew for blow, but not mew for mow? And why do we use flew as past tense for fly, instead of saying flowed, like Dizzy Dean would say?

- Would we still ride horses if, instead of hooves, they had claws? And if we would, then why don't we ride bears? Same difference.

- There are roads made of brick in my city that have got to be approaching 100 years old. So how come we don't make roads out of brick anymore?

- Is there anything more lame than those bicycles that allow you to lay down while pedaling? Look, you don't have to stand up to exercise. But if you're too darned lazy to at least sit up to exercise, then just give it up. And these things fly so low to the ground, they're very difficult to see while driving. It's like a kid with his Big Wheel, only he's riding it in the street.

- Who can dispute that Peter was the number one Brady? His antics are legendary. His famous football fling into Marcia's grill. His volcano splattering a bunch of stuck up chicks. His voice cracking and changing. His wearing a mustache and pretending to be Greg's friend to date an older chick. Classic stuff.

- I would love to see the Sporting News, which has power rankings in almost every sport, branch out into the military. I like to seem them do the "World Power Rankings". Here's how my "poll ballot" would look if I ranked the world's militaries for the week of 8/1/06:
1. Coalition of the Willing.

2. China.
3. Russia.
4. Axis of Evil.
5. Israel.

- Trees should be smack-dab in the middle of the fairways on a golf course. It would take at least 18 strokes off of our golf games. Because all us amateurs could just aim for the tree in the middle of the fairway, assuring that our ball will hook or slice to the side in safety.

- Celebrity news- I was one of those people who was not a social outcast in high school, but neither did I really care what the "popular" kids were doing or saying. The same now. I had, and have, my group of friends, and that's just fine. But the sad thing is, the pathetic kids who cared desperately about the popular kids grew up to write and read celebrity newspapers and television shows. Who else would care about Bennifer, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt's baby, or all that other trash the rest of us don't give a hoot-in-hell about?

- Is it possible to swear using a false deities name and not commit a sin? If I say "Dalai-lama-damnit", I have not taken the name of the Lord in vain. But then again, since Z is a false god, is it really swearing? Hmmm...

- I want to do what
this guy did, only do it with my tax return in 2007.

- I am in favor of legislation outlawing multiple spellings of the name Sherry, or Sheri, or Sharri, or Shari, or Sherri, or Cherry, or Cherri, or Cheri, or whatever. Let's all just pick a spelling and go with it.

- I need to take a station break. Some would call it preparing for an exam. So I won't be posting the next few days. But I'll be back soon.


  1. I've often felt alternatively guilty and okay about "Allah-damnit"

    A friend of mine in college got a parking ticket and wrote "For drugs and sex" on the check. His argument was that it was for his own personal use (hence 'memo') and did not invalidate the check. He eventually wrote another.

  2. Seinfeld had a way of taking the taboo topics and making them humorous without taking them over the edge.

    Lots of other stuff to comment on in one post. I'll have to visit this one a couple more times.

  3. Rick, I agree with you I'm going to have to come back more than once here. Guess Scottius is trying to keep us busy while he's gone.... As far as the Sudafed/shower thing, you've obviously never had to create a sauna in your bathroom by closing the door and running a scalding hot shower without the fan. My youngest daughter had a tendency towards croup and was hospitalized for it once. Everytime she'd get that barking cough, it was either the bathroom or holding her face above a bowl of steaming hot water. The bathroom was easier.

  4. Since Burger King re-branded itself to "BK", I have been put off by practically all of their commercials. But, boy are their burgers good!

    I remember seeing an SNL "commercial" for a product called "Finger Away" (can't find the vid online, though). You rub it on your extra finger, and it disintegrates. Mrs. Quipper still joke about the line: "do you have this problem...too many fingers!" Maybe Antonio needs Finger Away.

  5. Katie's Beer comments for Random Thoughts, part one...

    Shrinkage - no comment

    BK midgets - Who knows? Maybe the advertising agency that is coming up with that commercial has a little person for an ad exec? It could happen.

    I like "off her rocket". Rocking conotates an old woman with nothing better to do. Rocket conotates an active and intelligent woman (how else would she have a rocket and what made her temporarily climb off her rocket - the kids, her husband, her job?) When you think about it, "Off her rocket" really means something completely different from "Off her rocker".

    As an amateur aromatherapist, I've been doing this for years. Eucalyptus drops in a hot shower works very well. Actually, there are many varieties of Eucalyptus and each has its own purpose.

    Six fingers and six toes? No way. Prove it. Wait, I just found this: http://www.librarising.com/misc/twelve.html Yikes!

    I like the Ukrainians better. I mean, just look at this: http://katiesbeer.blogspot.com/2004/12/reuters-pictures-of-year-2004.html

    Grow and grew both come from Old English growen, fly and flew from Old English fleogan, mow from Old English mowen, mew from Old English meuen. Makes sense now, huh?

    If horses had claws, they wouldn't be grass-eaters but meat-eaters. We ride hooved animals because they are not interested in eating humans.

    Cobblestone roads went out of fashion because they were loud, according to Wikipedia:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cobblestone

    Recumbant bicycles allow for better sun-tanning, according to: http://www.bikeroute.com/WhyBent.html

    I think anyone who used to like Peter Brady changed their mind when they saw an ad for My Fair Brady : http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/my_fair_brady/93830/episode_about.jhtml

    World Rankings - that would be cool!

  6. Hey, Kletos! Nice to see ya here!

    Quipper- "Finger Away?" Do they have a DVD with all the great SNL commercials?

    Barb- Have you seen the Sudafed commercial? It's a gas chamber, I'm telling you!

    TK- Amateur aromatherapist?
    Recreational smelling? I did not know there was such a thing. What distinguishes an amateur from those in the big leagues?

    Your Ukranian picture ties in well with the picture of the lady Poles...and also with my first thought on this post.

    Okay. What if bears had hooves? Would we be riding them around (smell factor excluded for the purposes of argument)?

    I'm really disappointed in Peter Brady. What's gotten in to that boy?

  7. Sorry, I've never seen the Sudafed commercials. I try to avoid commercials.

    What distinguishes an amateur from those in the big leagues is the same thing that separates most amateurs from most professionals - whether or not you do it for a living! :)

    That Pole pictures is interesting. My only thought is whether number 36 got whiplash....

    I hate BK commercials, I don't even like their burgers anymore, and if the King came anywhere near my house, I'd shoot him dead.

    If bears had hooves, we *might* ride them. If they also didn't have those big nasty teeth and that tendency to want to eat us. :P

    So is Antonio Alfonseca *the* six fingered man? And don't you find it interesting that Bob Wickman credits his sinking fastball to *missing* part of a finger? Boy, I really missed Wicky last night. :( I'll never believe we couldn't have gotten more for him.

  8. Scottius - I never thought of looking for an SNL "commercials" DVD. Their commercial for the "Jiffy Pop Airbag" and "Bad Idea Jeans" were great, too.

    Barb - can you say "salary dump"?

  9. Okay, here is a script and a photo from the commercial. SNL does have a DVD, as reviewed here.

  10. SNL has jumped on board the YouTube craze and has posted many of its video shorts on its site. Go to http://www.nbc.com and click on Video from the red bar across the top of the screen. Click on "late night" on the bar under "nbc videos". Click on Saturday Night Live on the right side of the box. You can then click on Seasons, Casts and Hosts or Digital Shorts. Either will allow you to search and view a variety of videos. All Star Trek fans have to check out the last video under season one. It's John Belushi in Star Trek - The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise. I don't know which season to look for the two you mentioned, Quipper, so you'll have to search for us! Be sure to report back!

  11. Tkls - will do, but I may not report back until Monday. The Quipper family is disappearing from the technical world for the weekend, starting with when I leave work today.

    We'll see what I can do at work during my lunch. :-)

  12. Bummer, that was a quick search. The SNL vids have some of each season's skits, but none of the classic commercials.

    However, they do have Mr. Robinson's neighborhood, the motivational speaker, and others. :-)

    Good times all around.