Saturday, November 19, 2005

Battle For The Planet Of The Ex-Cardinals

You've waited for this moment through four other films...
Planet of the Ex-Cardinals.
Beneath the Planet of the Ex-Cardinals.
Escape from the Planet of the Ex-Cardinals.
Conquest of the Planet of the Ex-Cardinals.


Despite being hampered by post-production delays, Scottius Maximus Productions, a wholly owned subsidiary of Scottius Maximus Enterprises, is proud to announce the release of the exciting final installment of the Planet of the Ex-Cardinals Series, 2005. Presenting...

"Battle For The Planet Of The Ex-Cardinals."


Tony Womack, Yankees
G- 108, AB- 329, R- 46, H- 82, 2B- 8, 3B- 1, HR- 0, RBI- 15, TB- 92, BB- 12, SO- 49, SB- 27, CS- 5, OBP- .276, SLG- .280, AVG- .249, OPS- .556

Edgar Renteria, Red Sox
G- 153, AB- 623, R-100, H- 172, 2B- 36, 3B- 4, HR- 8, RBI- 70, TB- 240, BB- 55, SO- 100, SB-9, CS- 4, OBP- .335, SLG- .385, AVG- .276, OPS- .720

Woody Williams, Padres
W- 9, L- 12, ERA- 4.85, G-28, GS- 28, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 0, IP- 159.2, H- 174, R- 92 ER- 86, HR- 24, BB- 51, SO- 106

Steve Kline, Orioles
W- 2, L- 4, ERA- 4.28, G- 67, GS- 0, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 3, IP- 61, H- 59, R- 34, ER-29, HR- 11, BB- 30, SO- 36

Mike Matheny, Giants
G- 134, AB- 443, R- 42, H- 107, 2B- 34, 3B- 0, HR- 13, RBI- 59, TB- 180, BB- 29, SO- 91, SB- 0, CS- 2, OBP- .295, SLG- .406, AVG- .242, OPS- .701

Danny Haren, A's
W- 14, L- 12, ERA- 3.73, G- 34, GS- 34, CG- 3, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 0, IP- 217, H- 212, R- 101, ER- 90, HR- 26, BB- 53, SO- 163

Kiko Calero, A's
W- 4, L- 1, ERA- 3.23, G- 58 GS- 0, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 1, SVO- 2, IP- 55.2, H- 45, R- 20, ER- 20, HR-6, BB- 18, SO- 52

Marlon Anderson, Mets
G- 123, AB- 235, R- 31, H- 62, 2B- 9, 3B- 0, HR- 7, RBI- 19, TB- 92, BB-18, SO- 45, SB- 6, CS- 1, OBP- .316, SLG- .391, AVG- .264, OPS- .707

From high atop my critic's chair in the balcony, here's my review of the "plot" of our climactic episode:

1. In the catching theater, Matheny wins on all accounts, except in the subcategory of picking runners off of first base. And watching the young Molina make multiple bonehead plays during the playoffs didn't help his cause. (A thumbs down for the Cardinals).
2. Marlon Anderson, super-sub. Although he cooled off down the stretch, I wish we still had good ole Marlon. (Another thumbs down for the Cardinals).
3. Haren and Calero vs. Mulder is no longer a tough call. We've been "Bartoned". As in we gave up two good pitchers and possibly the next Pujols (Daric Barton) for a pitcher who cannot win in the post season. Mulder had better believe he has something to prove to St. Louis next year, assuming he's back. (Still another thumbs down for the Cards).
4. I still love the great "Albert" Eckstein, and I'm still glad Edgar Renteria is gone. Albert Pujols stole more bases than Edgar. I'm going to say it for the last time: Edgar is WAY overpaid. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
5. Tony Womack did not go all Bizarro Womack the last month of the season. In fact he barely played at all. So I won't change my mind that the Cardinals did well not to re-sign him. His OBP was anemic, and his SO rate was horrible. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
6. Woody Williams had a bad year. And it was painful to see the Cardinals blow him up in the playoffs, even though I was glad we won. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
7. Steve Kline- No saves. Three blown saves. Lots of homers for a reliever. 'Nuff said. (Thumbs up for the Cards).

So, it looks like four thumbs up and three thumbs down for this film, a net gain of only one thumb.

From the Cardinals standpoint, it was close. The ex-Cardinals almost outdid their counterparts on the actual Cardinals. But Walt Jocketty eked out the one thumb victory for the Cardinals despite the Mulder debacle in the playoffs.

And so it ends...well, until Spring Training. Which is only ~90 days away!

Until next time, I'll see the movies.

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