Mr. Monk's Got Nothing On This Primate

I've finally figured out what happened to make the Cardinals a little mediocre this year.

"This is how it happened..."

Joe Buck announced several of the Cardinals TV games earlier this year, and the Cardinals got off to a great start. Then, when Fox network began to broadcast it's Saturday baseball games in late May, Joe was lost except for periodic appearances. Like last night, when they scored 13 runs.


Let's face it. This year's version of the Cardinals plays at its best when Mighty Joe (sorry, had to get in an ape reference) is at the mike. I don't know if they rub his forehead before the game or what, but something seems to work.

Unfortunately, Joe now begins football duty for Fox and this was his last regular season announcing gig for the Cards this year.

Which doesn't bode well for the rest of the season.

But since the Red Sox won't be playing the Yankees in the playoffs this year (thank God- I'm SO sick of that), maybe Joe can do the National League playoffs. IF we make it, someone needs to lock Joe in the broadcast booth; and don't let him out 'til its over.

More Music

Hat tip to Indiana Jane for finding this quiz, which is much better than the quiz I posted last week.

Rock Star You scored 94%!

You damn rock star. You know all the basics, and if you got any wrong, I bet it was that stupid Traveling Wilburys question. Your friends are probably intimidated by your knowledge of classic rock and envy your impressive collection. When a classic rock song comes on the radio, you can probably identify it before the vocals kick in most of the time. You probably get good scores on the "maiden name of Clapton's mom" tests, too.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on notes

Link: The BASIC classic rock Test.

If Only I'd Kept All Of Mine

When I was in 5th grade, the big rage was Wacky Packages.

A rectangular stick of stale gum with stickers of gag consumer products was a pre-adolescent kid's entertainment center. I remember walking up to the Woolworth's and buying them on half-days of school, and then trading them with my friends at school the next day.

There are some great Wacky Packages websites out there. I got the following photos from John Mann's Website. I'm sure the originals are worth 'millions' today. Some of my rememberances:

So, Who's It Going To Be?

Alice or David?

The way I see it, David is the better designer but Alice is more comfortable in front of the camera. I think the latter wins.

The ONLY Things He Can't Handle Are All The Beer And Hot Dogs

Quick story, referenced by Bonnie Bernstein during last night's ESPN game, about Albert Pujols' Washington University test results in comparison to the Babe's.

He Still Is The Unlikeliest Hero

So what if he didn't steal home like backup catcher Glen Brummer did in August 1982, one of the many great memories of that championship season? (Listen here to Mike Shannon's Call that summer).

Backup catcher 2006 Gary Bennett's walk off grand slam last night could be just the thing to ignite a fire under this team's butt. Something that is going to have to happen for this lackadaisical team to make any noise this post-season.

Around The Horn Friday

I've got a lot tonight. Great posts abound to check out if you've missed them.

Aardvark Alley posted the You Tube video that single handedly brings one to believe the entire educational system in this country should be scrapped.

About Gardening posts about Great Fall Bloomers and also Pruning Timing Tips.

Ask The Pastor posted about Heaven and about the gift of using drugs! Far out, man!

Barb The Evil Genius linked to an absolutely hilarious Presidential sticker book that has none other than that great American President, John Kerry, on the cover.

Caffeine and Irony has a great post about Moneyball. In that how a bunch of dorky stat-geeks have entirely missed the point of the whole thing. Then a post about more dorky geeks trying to make a name for themselves by stripping Pluto of planet status. Losers. Long Live Pluto!! PLU-TO! PLU-TO! PLU-TO!

Cranach as usual has several interesting topics. Theology of the cross for dummies is fit for dummies like me. Reggie White, the Bible, and hearing God speak is the topic of this post. Finally, he has two posts about the Islamo-War we're in, one regarding higher criticism of the Koran and the "new" rules of war.

Des Moines Girl gets a person all excited for the great Iowa State Fair, with a LOL post.

Engadget has the dreaded personal chopper on its site. You'll have to click here to see what that means. Sometimes, pictures are too good for words.

Favorite Apron adds strength to the argument for kilts.

Gizmodo has a great new OUTDOOR entertainment center. Okay, the whole thing looks kind of cheap...but check out the giant gorilla on the screen!

Katie's Beer has several inspirational posts about Taylor Hicks finally getting to meet his idol, the great TK.

Lutheran Lucy posts about living in the Andy Griffith Universe/Era. I get to be Andy. 'Cause I called it.

New Urban Legends posts about two true stories out of the war on terror. Tom Cotton's letter to the NY Times calling them out for their treason, and Brigette Gabriel's speech at Duke University.

Popgadget has a nostalgia piece on the first portable cell phone (price $3995!). We also have a program that will digitally take your profile and cut a wooden image with it. And, if you think Sumo suits are funny, then you must see this.

The Quipper needs help finding songs that are not over 10 years old to play.

World Magazine Blog links to Michael Barone's piece about the elites of THIS COUNTRY who want us to lose the war. Also, conservatives are having more babies than liberals (duh, the liberals have wiped out millions of themselves through abortion and birth control), which should make it harder for liberals to win elections in the future.

Happy reading this weekend!

I Guess I Didn't Need A Test To Know This

Your Taste in Music:

Classic Rock: Highest Influence Country: Highest Influence 80's Rock: High Influence Progressive Rock: Medium Influence Hair Bands: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

"If You Were A Book...

What kind of book would you be?"

Have you ever stopped and looked back at the volume of writing you've done? It blows my mind that I have now made 624 posts. Some were easy, some were hard. Some draft posts have been written but have not ever been posted. Some drafts have existed for over a year and are still not completed. Possibly never will be.

What's all this have to do with books?

I just was wondering if you took all of my posts, or anyone's posts for that matter, and printed them out, and bound them in a book, would the whole thing make any sense?

Breaking News

Remember, you read it here first.

I guess it's now officially winter.



The corn is dying out.

And Now, With A Look At Sports...

...here's Chris Farley.

"Ummm, well, ummm, thanks Scotty, err, umm, Scottius. Ummmmm, remember...remember when there was this storm in St. Louis a few weeks ago. And, ummm...there was, like, a lot of lightning? 'Member that? And the winds were like 800 mph, I mean, errr, 80 mph? And the Cardinals were playing...and they had to, like, delay the game. Remember? And, like, a lot of people were without electric...umm, electricity? 'Member that? And they didn't have power for, like, months- errr, NO, uhh...days? Do you [gulp] remember that? And Busch Stadium was, like, damaged?

Would...would you like to see some movies, errrrr, I mean, ummm, video...of this?
[Gulp]

Yeah? Cool!!!!

This was Busch Stadium that night...


That WAS AWESOME!

Ummm, do you wanna see another one?

That storm, was, like, AWESOME!

YEAH! Cool!

Now, back to you Mr. Maximus!"

Am I Crazy?

Maybe so.

But I propose to you that if you take the voice of Sponge Bob Squarepants...

...and mix in a little harshness, a tincture of debauchery, a spritz of hoarseness, and a few drops of an Australian accent, you'll get..






...former AC/DC lead singer (and Scottius Maximus distant cousin) Bon Scott.

Click here, listen to T.N.T. (Album- High Voltage), and see if you don't detect a smidgeon of Sponge Bob.

Yeah, I'm THAT Guy

Whenever you read this, who do you think you are?

Matthew 25:14-30 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
The Parable of the Talents 14"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. 15To one he gave five talents[a] of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. 17So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. 18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
19"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'
21"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
22"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'
23"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
24"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'
26"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. 29For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

I feel like that last guy all the time. Because, I guess, the law always convicts. Is there Gospel to be found here? Who are you?

After Today's Performance...

Do your duty.

Drop by MLB.com and vote Scott Rolen the 2006 Comeback Player of the Year.

Against the Reds, he hit one home run and drove in both Cardinals runs, including the 9th inning game-winner in the biggest game of the year so far.

Terror Alerts I'd Like To See

These are serious times, but occasionally you have to sit back and laugh at your situation.

I think that's the idea behind the Sesame Street Terror Levels. I know the good Aardvark keeps this up to date, and Des Moines Girl just posted about this. It goes like this:



But it's been a few years since these levels were introduced. I think it is time to retire them in favor of other totally useless, dumb and superficial terror levels. Which brings us to today's theme...

TERROR ALERTS FOR THE POST LIQUID BOMB ERA.
1= Severe, corresponds to there being big trouble.
2= High, corresponds to the potential for big trouble.
3= Elevated, corresponds to being highly alert.
4= Guarded, corresponds to being cautious.
5= Low, corresponds to everything being right with the world.


Spokespeople.
1= Mr. Salty. (When this tough guy is around, there can't help but be trouble)
2= Mr. Peanut. (Don't let his refined demeanor fool you)
3= Cheetohs Cheetah
4= Sugar Bear.
5= Tony The Tiger.


The Ted Kennedys.
1= Homicidally Negligent Teddy. (Chappaquiddick?)
2= Philanderer Teddy.
3= Alcoholic Teddy. (Nothing says yellow alert like a jaundiced cirrhotic)
4= Fat Teddy.
5= Young Teddy.


Green Acres Characters.
1= Mr. Haney.
2= Oliver.
3= Eb.
4= Lisa.
5= Arnold.


Leave It To Beaver Characters.
1= Eddie Haskell. (Synonymous with trouble)
2= Lumpy.
3= Beaver.
4= Wally.
5= Ward.


St. Louis Cardinals.
1= Jason Isringhausen.
2= Tony LaRussa.
3= Jimmy Edmonds.
4= David Eckstein.
5= Albert Pujols.


Real Men Of Genius Commercials.
1= Mr. Chinese Food Delivery Guy.
2= Mr. All You Can Eat Buffet Inventor.
3= Mr. Really Bad Toupee Inventor.
4= Mr. Restroom Toilet Paper Refiller.
5= Mr. Athletic Groin Protector Inventor.

Candy Bars
1= Heath.
2= Almond Joy.
3= Mounds.
4= Payday.
5= Milky Way.

And yes, it is true, I have squandered most of the time God has given me on this Earth.

Are Those Books In Your Pocket...?

Although most apes can't read, I've been tagged in the book thingy going around by Lutheran Lucy. Hopefully you'll learn a lot more about me. Here goes:

1. One book that changed your life:
Encyclopedia Brown Solves Them All by Donald J. Sobol. I owe all my intelligence and logic to this book.

2. One book that you have read more than once:
How To Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell. I learned the hard way that this was not a How-To book.

3. One book you would want on a desert island:
WWF- The Official Book.

OOOOOOOOH YEAHHHHH!

4. One book that made you laugh:
The Mouse And The Motorcycle by Beverly Cleary. My friend and I laughed so hard at this book and it's pictures that he actually blew a snot bubble.

5. One book that made you cry:
The Berenstain Bears And The Spooky Old Tree, by Stan and Jan Berenstain. Couldn't sleep for days afterwards.

6. One book that you wish had been written:
Another Two Minute Mysteries book by Donald J. Sobol. I didn't get any of the solutions in the first Two Minute Mysteries book, so I want another chance.

7. One book that you wish had never been written:
Pippi Longstocking I never understood this book. Acid induced fluff, unlike the other books on this list.

8. The book you are currently reading:
Thomas The Tank Engine- Splendid Pop-up Board Book. I just love pop-up books. They've become my favorite.

9. One book you have been meaning to read:
Henry Huggins And The Paper Route by Beverly Cleary. That Henry is such a card.

10. Now tag five people:
1. Mean Gene Okerlund.
2. Bill Clinton.
3. Paul McCartney.
4. Jacques Rogge.
5. Mr. Spock.

It's Over

In case you didn't hear, the red paperclip guy got his house. I just now got the news.

Alice Cooper Is Chicken Man, Man

Because "HE'S EVERYWHERE, HE'S EVERYWHERE!"

First, he was featured on World Mag's Blog regarding his Arizona Youth Center last week.

The week before he was in USA Today for this same reason as well as his Christian beliefs.

He has a nationally syndicated radio show every weekday evening called Nights With Alice Cooper, in which he plays totally kickin' rock. I get to listen to it a lot because my son has it on every night. He has a great voice for radio and such a weird sense of humor, it is addicting once you start to listen. Five hours a night, five days a week.

Then this weekend, I saw him take an absolutely hilarious turn on the USA program Monk, in which a decompensating, practically hallucinatory Monk hypothesized that Alice had murdered a sanitation worker for his antique chair. It was laugh-out-loud-at-the-TV time.

A big SAL-UTE to August's Scottius Maximus Celebrity Of The Month, Alice Cooper. Even though he is not a Cardinals fan.

"SAL-UTE!"

I Need It, Baby

Listen. I have the good stuff. I just don't know how to cook it, so you better help me out. I gotta have it. I feel like there are bugs, man, everywhere, crawling all over me. I'm desperate, baby.

So help me out. Will you? Just this once. I promise, I'll never ask again.

I have tomatoes, cilantro, jalapenos, lime juice, and onions.

I've waited all summer while I gradually collected all of my ingredients.

I'm all ready to make salsa, but I don't know how to prepare the goods. Or store it, for that matter.

Any ideas, before I start experimenting?

Since I Am In A Testing Mood

Have you been spending too much time outside gardening or landscaping?

Take this simple test.

Have someone read you Psalm 65.

When you come to the 13th verse, what did you think of in your mind's eye?

I thought of this (phlox)...




...instead of this (flocks).

Random Thoughts On A Hot Summer's Day

- The first time I saw the Seinfeld episode dealing with "shrinkage", I couldn't believe my ears. Never before, or after, have I seen two men discuss such things. And yet, all we men knew exactly what they were talking about. It's one of those unwritten things with being a guy that is just understood.

- What is up with those BK Stackers commercials? I mean, I thought we were supposed to live in an age of tolerance and understanding. These commercials are far from that...unless you think using midgets to make hamburgers look huge and pushing the little people around are still okay concepts.

- Because we live in the space age, I propose we put the phrase "off her rocker" to pasture, and use the phrase "off her rocket" instead.

- Have you seen the commercials for the new Sudafed breather tablets. You drop these things in the shower, and the vapors slowly are emitted in the steam (they assume everyone takes hot showers) to be breathed in by the sickly individual. Sort of like how a gas chamber would work. I'd just like to know what Nazi at Sudafed got his kicks developing these things.

- Former major league baseball player Antonio Alfonseca has six fingers on each hand. And six toes on each foot. My questions are as follows:
1) Since he technically has no middle finger, isn't it impossible for him to give someone "The Bird?"
2) How does he go about naming his fingers? The thumb is easy. I get that. The pinky also. But exactly which is the index finger, which is the "ring" finger, and is there an official name for the extra fingers? If not, then I propose officially calling that extra finger "The Mad Hatter Finger". Then I wouldn't have to say Alfonseca has six fingers. That makes him sound kinda weird. All that you'd have to say is "that guy has a Mad Hatter's Finger", and everyone would know what you meant.
3) Same problem comes up in the "piggy game" with a kid with six toes. Who's who and who's eating what?

- I love the Poles. Looks like fun, right ladies?

- In English past tense, why do we say grew for grow and blew for blow, but not mew for mow? And why do we use flew as past tense for fly, instead of saying flowed, like Dizzy Dean would say?

- Would we still ride horses if, instead of hooves, they had claws? And if we would, then why don't we ride bears? Same difference.

- There are roads made of brick in my city that have got to be approaching 100 years old. So how come we don't make roads out of brick anymore?

- Is there anything more lame than those bicycles that allow you to lay down while pedaling? Look, you don't have to stand up to exercise. But if you're too darned lazy to at least sit up to exercise, then just give it up. And these things fly so low to the ground, they're very difficult to see while driving. It's like a kid with his Big Wheel, only he's riding it in the street.

- Who can dispute that Peter was the number one Brady? His antics are legendary. His famous football fling into Marcia's grill. His volcano splattering a bunch of stuck up chicks. His voice cracking and changing. His wearing a mustache and pretending to be Greg's friend to date an older chick. Classic stuff.

- I would love to see the Sporting News, which has power rankings in almost every sport, branch out into the military. I like to seem them do the "World Power Rankings". Here's how my "poll ballot" would look if I ranked the world's militaries for the week of 8/1/06:
1. Coalition of the Willing.
2. China.
3. Russia.
4. Axis of Evil.
5. Israel.

- Trees should be smack-dab in the middle of the fairways on a golf course. It would take at least 18 strokes off of our golf games. Because all us amateurs could just aim for the tree in the middle of the fairway, assuring that our ball will hook or slice to the side in safety.

- Celebrity news- I was one of those people who was not a social outcast in high school, but neither did I really care what the "popular" kids were doing or saying. The same now. I had, and have, my group of friends, and that's just fine. But the sad thing is, the pathetic kids who cared desperately about the popular kids grew up to write and read celebrity newspapers and television shows. Who else would care about Bennifer, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt's baby, or all that other trash the rest of us don't give a hoot-in-hell about?

- Is it possible to swear using a false deities name and not commit a sin? If I say "Dalai-lama-damnit", I have not taken the name of the Lord in vain. But then again, since Z is a false god, is it really swearing? Hmmm...

- I want to do what this guy did, only do it with my tax return in 2007.

- I am in favor of legislation outlawing multiple spellings of the name Sherry, or Sheri, or Sharri, or Shari, or Sherri, or Cherry, or Cherri, or Cheri, or whatever. Let's all just pick a spelling and go with it.

- I need to take a station break. Some would call it preparing for an exam. So I won't be posting the next few days. But I'll be back soon.