And Away We Go!

NFL Picks for week 1.

"Sweet!"























Carolina
Tampa Bay
New England
Cincinnati
Denver
Cleveland
Tennessee
Philadelphia
Seattle
Chicago
Dallas
Arizona
Indianapolis
Washington
San Diego

But They Didn't Ask Me

If only the Beatles had included "If You've Got Trouble" on the album Help!, they might have been more successful as a group. I love that song. But then again, I like anything with Ringo. Word has it that it was ditched in favor of Ringo's Act Naturally. Which is a shame, because they're both great songs.

I'm sure there was another song on Help! that could have, and should have, been cut. There was probably a song on that album that was not even REALLY a "Beatles" song, except in name only. Let's see now...how do I put this, since this all happened too many Yesterday's ago.

Am I right?

And Dat's Da Name O' Dat Tune

Illinois' Ex-Governor/Criminal-In-Chief, George Ryan, was sentenced to 6 1/2 years in prison for corruption. Thank God. What a crum.

According to the Sun-Times:
"Ryan was convicted in April of steering contracts and leases to his pals, including Warner, while taking gifts, vacations and cash in return."

Then, here's the thing that gets me. It's what his lawyer says as they all beg the judge to be lenient.

"Ryan's lawyer Dan Webb highlighted Ryan's accomplishments as governor, including his 2003 decision to clear Death Row. Webb at times hung on the edge of tears, his voice cracking as he asked Pallmeyer [the judge] to punish his client but allow "George a few years with his family before he dies."

Allow him a few years with his family before he dies? A FEW YEARS?!!! What kind of argument is that?

What, old people now have a license to commit all kinds of crimes because to put them behind bars would deprive them of seeing their family? I would say only in Chicago, but unfortunately I'm sure this goes on everywhere.

I always knew you couldn't punish someone too harshly if they were too young. Which is, of course, wrong. Now there are those arguing you can't punish someone too harshly for being too old?

Okay, so if you are older than age 18 and younger than age 70, you better toe the line. For everyone else it's a free-for-all?

Thank God the judge didn't buy the argument. But nice try.

Ryan's problem was he didn't watch enough Baretta.


"You know, Fred, if you can't do da time, don't do da crime."

My point exactly.

And by the way, Mr. Ryan. You are not allowed to try to play the sympathy card. NO ONE feels sorry for your 72 year old diabetic carcass going to prison. Especially those families who lost loved ones at the hands of your corruption.

Can You Do Your Job This Well?

When you're good, you're good.

Happy 40th!

Star Trek debuted on NBC 40 years ago today.

After A Good Night's Sleep, I Feel Better Now

Besides, this is the best time of year. Baseball's playoffs are coming up. College football has started. The NFL starts tonight. And best of all...

THIS will soon exist. Can life get any better? I'm hoping Louie will eventually star in his own show.


"Hey...tanks man."

By the way, I'm taking Miami tonight. Just a hunch. I'm sure all you Pittsburgh haters are with me on this.

Did You Hear It?

The Big One? The big explosion that rocked the Midwest today?

That shaking ground and rumbling resulted from a nation of Cardinals fans who have finally had enough of blown saves. Word has it the Post-Dispatch online forum servers crashed twice following today's debacle. Due to posts about Jason Isringhausen.

Number 10 happened today. TEN FREAKING GAMES BLOWN. By Jason Isringhausen. It was a beaut. Two walks, a HBP, and a two run single. Game over.

To put it in perspective, the man has never blown that many in his career in a single season. And it usually takes him two seasons to blow 10. If he just blows his average number this year, the Cardinals are 11 games up right now. And although they still wouldn't win 100 again this year, they'd be in great shape.

But I no longer blame Isringhausen. He clearly can't get the job done anymore. I'm no major leaguer, but I pointed this out way back in June in several posts. And tried to have a little fun with it. But now it's pathetic to watch. And I think everyone else sees it except for Tony LaRussa.

So I lay the blame for this loss squarely on his "genius" shoulders. It is his fault that he keeps trotting Izzy out there. What's Izzy going to tell TLR, "No, I'm not going in"?

If he were anyone but TLR, his job might be in jeopardy for such boneheadedly bad managing. But because he is who he is, he gets a free pass. Night after night after night.

Except from me. Maybe if his job were on the line, he might manage his team a little better. If I were the owner, I'd be more like George Steinbrenner. Well, maybe not that bad, but I'd still want to win. And I'd hold my manager accountable for stupid decisions like these. And stupid is what it is.

This debacle of a season has 2003 written all over it. A season where we all had to endure TLR bringing in Jeff Fassero and Esteban Yan over and over, and watch them get pummeled over and over. But he kept doing it. Over and over. Until we were beaten out by an overachieving Cubs team. Fortunately for this team this year, there is not a single good team in the division, making the Cardinals winners by default. Which is a pity, because the team doesn't deserve it.

How can a team with the MVP (Pujols), Cy Young winner (Carpenter), and probably Comeback Player of the Year (Rolen) be only 10 games over .500 at this point in the season?

Answer: Blown saves...yes. Bad managing...moreso.

The natives are restless. Just check out the Clubhouse Forums. Or the great Viva El Birdos, where there are over 200 comments about today's game, 200 in the overflow and over 200 in the post-game venting.

But this is nothing compared to the millions who will storm the New Busch if this happens in the playoffs. And I sense that it will.

I've Hit The Mother Lode

Sometime last week.

The definitive Shannonism web page. Complete with an attempted definition of "Shannonism"- "They came out of the mouth of Cardinals' broadcaster Mike Shannon, who sometimes has an interesting handle on the English language. But it is this handling of the language, filled with slurred gaffs and malapropisms that has linked Shannon to Harry Carey or Yogi Berra...and endeared him to Cardinal fans.

In fact, someone once asked Jack Buck, "Jack, what are your plans for the offseason?" He replied, "I think I'll spend my offseason teaching Mike Shannon English."



I thought these had all been well chronicled. Until I ran across this webpage. TWENTY SIX different categories. That's not the number of Shannonisms. It's the number of CATEGORIES of Shannonisms.

The following are some of my favorites, which I had never heard before now. There are plenty more, most of which I have posted in the past.


"Albert [Pujols] ripped in to that pitch the way the Cookie Monster rips into cookies. Atta baby, Albert."

"Everyone's on a pitch count now, you people down on the farms don't let major league baseball on your place or they will have the cows on a pitch count."

"And Matt Lawton is stuck in the desert without a paddle."

"That's a home run in a silo!" (describing a high pop-up)

"The outfield is deep and playing him straight-away and the infield is the same except first, second, third and short are playing him to pull."

"They've got a guy named Diaz (Die-az) and we've got a Diaz (Dee-az), and they're both spelled the same, I tell you folks English is a strange language."

"They'll be hanging from the roofters at Shea when the Cardinals come to town."

Shannon: Would you believe Andujar Cedeño is not related to either Joaquin Andujar or Cesar Cedeño?
Joe Buck: I'll believe anything you tell me!

Shannon: You know Jack, the 3-2 count in baseball is just like the ole question in science, "Which came first the chicken or the egg?"
Jack Buck: How so?

Shannon: Whoever scores the most runs usually wins the game.
Jack Buck: Usually Mike?

As Albert Pujols stepped up to the plate
Shannon: "I know what's wrong here...I forgot to get the lucky peanut out!"
He apparently pulls a peanut out of his pocket and places it on the table/counter/whatever it's called in front of him in the broadcasting booth. Within a few seconds, Pujols homered to give the Cardinals the lead
Shannon: "And the lucky peanut does it again!!!"

Per Jack Buck, there were pre-game festivities once that included an appearance by "Miss Cheesecake". After the game was underway Miss Cheesecake comes up to the booth bringing with her an actual cheesecake.
Jack Buck: Well Mike, what do you think of Miss Cheesecake?
Shannon: (apparently thinking he had said "this cheesecake" ) I could go for a piece of that right now.

"The Ozarks are a beautiful place this time of year, with all the animals scurrying around, trying to add to their heritage......"

This place has a lot of crooks and nannies. (Miami's Joe Robbie Stadium, now Pro Player)

One run in this ballpark is like a grain of salt in the Sahara Desert. (Wrigley Field)

"We've got a day game tomorrow night."

"We should hook him up with Ron Santo and let them kick it around for awhile, I'll bet they'd have a lot to talk about. Of course Ron lost his legs a different way, but I'll bet they'd still hit it off." (referring to Matt Browning, a St. Louis Police Officer who lost his legs after being hit by a drunk driver outside of Busch Stadium)

"John, if I had to invest in a company, long-term, I'd invest in hearing aids"

"Everything's official except for the goodies like the Bud Light."

Pop Quiz

Okay, class. Another music quiz. Just what the doctor ordered after a nice 3 day weekend.

But no cheating. On this quiz, you cannot look at where the link below takes you, or it will give it away, and the whole mystery of this experience will be lost.

Your task? Which song did the Brady Bunch kids not perform?

1. Keep On.
2. The Little Drummer Boy.
3. Yo Yo Man.
4. Yellow Submarine.
5. Love Me Do.

For the answer, if you don't know, go here. You'll be able to sample the real songs, but not the correct answer.


"I did not know that."

Groovy.

Mr. Monk's Got Nothing On This Primate

I've finally figured out what happened to make the Cardinals a little mediocre this year.

"This is how it happened..."

Joe Buck announced several of the Cardinals TV games earlier this year, and the Cardinals got off to a great start. Then, when Fox network began to broadcast it's Saturday baseball games in late May, Joe was lost except for periodic appearances. Like last night, when they scored 13 runs.


Let's face it. This year's version of the Cardinals plays at its best when Mighty Joe (sorry, had to get in an ape reference) is at the mike. I don't know if they rub his forehead before the game or what, but something seems to work.

Unfortunately, Joe now begins football duty for Fox and this was his last regular season announcing gig for the Cards this year.

Which doesn't bode well for the rest of the season.

But since the Red Sox won't be playing the Yankees in the playoffs this year (thank God- I'm SO sick of that), maybe Joe can do the National League playoffs. IF we make it, someone needs to lock Joe in the broadcast booth; and don't let him out 'til its over.

More Music

Hat tip to Indiana Jane for finding this quiz, which is much better than the quiz I posted last week.

Rock Star You scored 94%!

You damn rock star. You know all the basics, and if you got any wrong, I bet it was that stupid Traveling Wilburys question. Your friends are probably intimidated by your knowledge of classic rock and envy your impressive collection. When a classic rock song comes on the radio, you can probably identify it before the vocals kick in most of the time. You probably get good scores on the "maiden name of Clapton's mom" tests, too.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on notes

Link: The BASIC classic rock Test.

If Only I'd Kept All Of Mine

When I was in 5th grade, the big rage was Wacky Packages.

A rectangular stick of stale gum with stickers of gag consumer products was a pre-adolescent kid's entertainment center. I remember walking up to the Woolworth's and buying them on half-days of school, and then trading them with my friends at school the next day.

There are some great Wacky Packages websites out there. I got the following photos from John Mann's Website. I'm sure the originals are worth 'millions' today. Some of my rememberances:

So, Who's It Going To Be?

Alice or David?

The way I see it, David is the better designer but Alice is more comfortable in front of the camera. I think the latter wins.

The ONLY Things He Can't Handle Are All The Beer And Hot Dogs

Quick story, referenced by Bonnie Bernstein during last night's ESPN game, about Albert Pujols' Washington University test results in comparison to the Babe's.

He Still Is The Unlikeliest Hero

So what if he didn't steal home like backup catcher Glen Brummer did in August 1982, one of the many great memories of that championship season? (Listen here to Mike Shannon's Call that summer).

Backup catcher 2006 Gary Bennett's walk off grand slam last night could be just the thing to ignite a fire under this team's butt. Something that is going to have to happen for this lackadaisical team to make any noise this post-season.

Around The Horn Friday

I've got a lot tonight. Great posts abound to check out if you've missed them.

Aardvark Alley posted the You Tube video that single handedly brings one to believe the entire educational system in this country should be scrapped.

About Gardening posts about Great Fall Bloomers and also Pruning Timing Tips.

Ask The Pastor posted about Heaven and about the gift of using drugs! Far out, man!

Barb The Evil Genius linked to an absolutely hilarious Presidential sticker book that has none other than that great American President, John Kerry, on the cover.

Caffeine and Irony has a great post about Moneyball. In that how a bunch of dorky stat-geeks have entirely missed the point of the whole thing. Then a post about more dorky geeks trying to make a name for themselves by stripping Pluto of planet status. Losers. Long Live Pluto!! PLU-TO! PLU-TO! PLU-TO!

Cranach as usual has several interesting topics. Theology of the cross for dummies is fit for dummies like me. Reggie White, the Bible, and hearing God speak is the topic of this post. Finally, he has two posts about the Islamo-War we're in, one regarding higher criticism of the Koran and the "new" rules of war.

Des Moines Girl gets a person all excited for the great Iowa State Fair, with a LOL post.

Engadget has the dreaded personal chopper on its site. You'll have to click here to see what that means. Sometimes, pictures are too good for words.

Favorite Apron adds strength to the argument for kilts.

Gizmodo has a great new OUTDOOR entertainment center. Okay, the whole thing looks kind of cheap...but check out the giant gorilla on the screen!

Katie's Beer has several inspirational posts about Taylor Hicks finally getting to meet his idol, the great TK.

Lutheran Lucy posts about living in the Andy Griffith Universe/Era. I get to be Andy. 'Cause I called it.

New Urban Legends posts about two true stories out of the war on terror. Tom Cotton's letter to the NY Times calling them out for their treason, and Brigette Gabriel's speech at Duke University.

Popgadget has a nostalgia piece on the first portable cell phone (price $3995!). We also have a program that will digitally take your profile and cut a wooden image with it. And, if you think Sumo suits are funny, then you must see this.

The Quipper needs help finding songs that are not over 10 years old to play.

World Magazine Blog links to Michael Barone's piece about the elites of THIS COUNTRY who want us to lose the war. Also, conservatives are having more babies than liberals (duh, the liberals have wiped out millions of themselves through abortion and birth control), which should make it harder for liberals to win elections in the future.

Happy reading this weekend!

I Guess I Didn't Need A Test To Know This

Your Taste in Music:

Classic Rock: Highest Influence Country: Highest Influence 80's Rock: High Influence Progressive Rock: Medium Influence Hair Bands: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

"If You Were A Book...

What kind of book would you be?"

Have you ever stopped and looked back at the volume of writing you've done? It blows my mind that I have now made 624 posts. Some were easy, some were hard. Some draft posts have been written but have not ever been posted. Some drafts have existed for over a year and are still not completed. Possibly never will be.

What's all this have to do with books?

I just was wondering if you took all of my posts, or anyone's posts for that matter, and printed them out, and bound them in a book, would the whole thing make any sense?

Breaking News

Remember, you read it here first.

I guess it's now officially winter.



The corn is dying out.

And Now, With A Look At Sports...

...here's Chris Farley.

"Ummm, well, ummm, thanks Scotty, err, umm, Scottius. Ummmmm, remember...remember when there was this storm in St. Louis a few weeks ago. And, ummm...there was, like, a lot of lightning? 'Member that? And the winds were like 800 mph, I mean, errr, 80 mph? And the Cardinals were playing...and they had to, like, delay the game. Remember? And, like, a lot of people were without electric...umm, electricity? 'Member that? And they didn't have power for, like, months- errr, NO, uhh...days? Do you [gulp] remember that? And Busch Stadium was, like, damaged?

Would...would you like to see some movies, errrrr, I mean, ummm, video...of this?
[Gulp]

Yeah? Cool!!!!

This was Busch Stadium that night...


That WAS AWESOME!

Ummm, do you wanna see another one?

That storm, was, like, AWESOME!

YEAH! Cool!

Now, back to you Mr. Maximus!"

Am I Crazy?

Maybe so.

But I propose to you that if you take the voice of Sponge Bob Squarepants...

...and mix in a little harshness, a tincture of debauchery, a spritz of hoarseness, and a few drops of an Australian accent, you'll get..






...former AC/DC lead singer (and Scottius Maximus distant cousin) Bon Scott.

Click here, listen to T.N.T. (Album- High Voltage), and see if you don't detect a smidgeon of Sponge Bob.

Yeah, I'm THAT Guy

Whenever you read this, who do you think you are?

Matthew 25:14-30 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
The Parable of the Talents 14"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. 15To one he gave five talents[a] of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. 17So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. 18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
19"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'
21"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
22"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'
23"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
24"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'
26"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. 29For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

I feel like that last guy all the time. Because, I guess, the law always convicts. Is there Gospel to be found here? Who are you?

After Today's Performance...

Do your duty.

Drop by MLB.com and vote Scott Rolen the 2006 Comeback Player of the Year.

Against the Reds, he hit one home run and drove in both Cardinals runs, including the 9th inning game-winner in the biggest game of the year so far.

Terror Alerts I'd Like To See

These are serious times, but occasionally you have to sit back and laugh at your situation.

I think that's the idea behind the Sesame Street Terror Levels. I know the good Aardvark keeps this up to date, and Des Moines Girl just posted about this. It goes like this:



But it's been a few years since these levels were introduced. I think it is time to retire them in favor of other totally useless, dumb and superficial terror levels. Which brings us to today's theme...

TERROR ALERTS FOR THE POST LIQUID BOMB ERA.
1= Severe, corresponds to there being big trouble.
2= High, corresponds to the potential for big trouble.
3= Elevated, corresponds to being highly alert.
4= Guarded, corresponds to being cautious.
5= Low, corresponds to everything being right with the world.


Spokespeople.
1= Mr. Salty. (When this tough guy is around, there can't help but be trouble)
2= Mr. Peanut. (Don't let his refined demeanor fool you)
3= Cheetohs Cheetah
4= Sugar Bear.
5= Tony The Tiger.


The Ted Kennedys.
1= Homicidally Negligent Teddy. (Chappaquiddick?)
2= Philanderer Teddy.
3= Alcoholic Teddy. (Nothing says yellow alert like a jaundiced cirrhotic)
4= Fat Teddy.
5= Young Teddy.


Green Acres Characters.
1= Mr. Haney.
2= Oliver.
3= Eb.
4= Lisa.
5= Arnold.


Leave It To Beaver Characters.
1= Eddie Haskell. (Synonymous with trouble)
2= Lumpy.
3= Beaver.
4= Wally.
5= Ward.


St. Louis Cardinals.
1= Jason Isringhausen.
2= Tony LaRussa.
3= Jimmy Edmonds.
4= David Eckstein.
5= Albert Pujols.


Real Men Of Genius Commercials.
1= Mr. Chinese Food Delivery Guy.
2= Mr. All You Can Eat Buffet Inventor.
3= Mr. Really Bad Toupee Inventor.
4= Mr. Restroom Toilet Paper Refiller.
5= Mr. Athletic Groin Protector Inventor.

Candy Bars
1= Heath.
2= Almond Joy.
3= Mounds.
4= Payday.
5= Milky Way.

And yes, it is true, I have squandered most of the time God has given me on this Earth.

Are Those Books In Your Pocket...?

Although most apes can't read, I've been tagged in the book thingy going around by Lutheran Lucy. Hopefully you'll learn a lot more about me. Here goes:

1. One book that changed your life:
Encyclopedia Brown Solves Them All by Donald J. Sobol. I owe all my intelligence and logic to this book.

2. One book that you have read more than once:
How To Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell. I learned the hard way that this was not a How-To book.

3. One book you would want on a desert island:
WWF- The Official Book.

OOOOOOOOH YEAHHHHH!

4. One book that made you laugh:
The Mouse And The Motorcycle by Beverly Cleary. My friend and I laughed so hard at this book and it's pictures that he actually blew a snot bubble.

5. One book that made you cry:
The Berenstain Bears And The Spooky Old Tree, by Stan and Jan Berenstain. Couldn't sleep for days afterwards.

6. One book that you wish had been written:
Another Two Minute Mysteries book by Donald J. Sobol. I didn't get any of the solutions in the first Two Minute Mysteries book, so I want another chance.

7. One book that you wish had never been written:
Pippi Longstocking I never understood this book. Acid induced fluff, unlike the other books on this list.

8. The book you are currently reading:
Thomas The Tank Engine- Splendid Pop-up Board Book. I just love pop-up books. They've become my favorite.

9. One book you have been meaning to read:
Henry Huggins And The Paper Route by Beverly Cleary. That Henry is such a card.

10. Now tag five people:
1. Mean Gene Okerlund.
2. Bill Clinton.
3. Paul McCartney.
4. Jacques Rogge.
5. Mr. Spock.

It's Over

In case you didn't hear, the red paperclip guy got his house. I just now got the news.

Alice Cooper Is Chicken Man, Man

Because "HE'S EVERYWHERE, HE'S EVERYWHERE!"

First, he was featured on World Mag's Blog regarding his Arizona Youth Center last week.

The week before he was in USA Today for this same reason as well as his Christian beliefs.

He has a nationally syndicated radio show every weekday evening called Nights With Alice Cooper, in which he plays totally kickin' rock. I get to listen to it a lot because my son has it on every night. He has a great voice for radio and such a weird sense of humor, it is addicting once you start to listen. Five hours a night, five days a week.

Then this weekend, I saw him take an absolutely hilarious turn on the USA program Monk, in which a decompensating, practically hallucinatory Monk hypothesized that Alice had murdered a sanitation worker for his antique chair. It was laugh-out-loud-at-the-TV time.

A big SAL-UTE to August's Scottius Maximus Celebrity Of The Month, Alice Cooper. Even though he is not a Cardinals fan.

"SAL-UTE!"

I Need It, Baby

Listen. I have the good stuff. I just don't know how to cook it, so you better help me out. I gotta have it. I feel like there are bugs, man, everywhere, crawling all over me. I'm desperate, baby.

So help me out. Will you? Just this once. I promise, I'll never ask again.

I have tomatoes, cilantro, jalapenos, lime juice, and onions.

I've waited all summer while I gradually collected all of my ingredients.

I'm all ready to make salsa, but I don't know how to prepare the goods. Or store it, for that matter.

Any ideas, before I start experimenting?

Since I Am In A Testing Mood

Have you been spending too much time outside gardening or landscaping?

Take this simple test.

Have someone read you Psalm 65.

When you come to the 13th verse, what did you think of in your mind's eye?

I thought of this (phlox)...




...instead of this (flocks).

Random Thoughts On A Hot Summer's Day

- The first time I saw the Seinfeld episode dealing with "shrinkage", I couldn't believe my ears. Never before, or after, have I seen two men discuss such things. And yet, all we men knew exactly what they were talking about. It's one of those unwritten things with being a guy that is just understood.

- What is up with those BK Stackers commercials? I mean, I thought we were supposed to live in an age of tolerance and understanding. These commercials are far from that...unless you think using midgets to make hamburgers look huge and pushing the little people around are still okay concepts.

- Because we live in the space age, I propose we put the phrase "off her rocker" to pasture, and use the phrase "off her rocket" instead.

- Have you seen the commercials for the new Sudafed breather tablets. You drop these things in the shower, and the vapors slowly are emitted in the steam (they assume everyone takes hot showers) to be breathed in by the sickly individual. Sort of like how a gas chamber would work. I'd just like to know what Nazi at Sudafed got his kicks developing these things.

- Former major league baseball player Antonio Alfonseca has six fingers on each hand. And six toes on each foot. My questions are as follows:
1) Since he technically has no middle finger, isn't it impossible for him to give someone "The Bird?"
2) How does he go about naming his fingers? The thumb is easy. I get that. The pinky also. But exactly which is the index finger, which is the "ring" finger, and is there an official name for the extra fingers? If not, then I propose officially calling that extra finger "The Mad Hatter Finger". Then I wouldn't have to say Alfonseca has six fingers. That makes him sound kinda weird. All that you'd have to say is "that guy has a Mad Hatter's Finger", and everyone would know what you meant.
3) Same problem comes up in the "piggy game" with a kid with six toes. Who's who and who's eating what?

- I love the Poles. Looks like fun, right ladies?

- In English past tense, why do we say grew for grow and blew for blow, but not mew for mow? And why do we use flew as past tense for fly, instead of saying flowed, like Dizzy Dean would say?

- Would we still ride horses if, instead of hooves, they had claws? And if we would, then why don't we ride bears? Same difference.

- There are roads made of brick in my city that have got to be approaching 100 years old. So how come we don't make roads out of brick anymore?

- Is there anything more lame than those bicycles that allow you to lay down while pedaling? Look, you don't have to stand up to exercise. But if you're too darned lazy to at least sit up to exercise, then just give it up. And these things fly so low to the ground, they're very difficult to see while driving. It's like a kid with his Big Wheel, only he's riding it in the street.

- Who can dispute that Peter was the number one Brady? His antics are legendary. His famous football fling into Marcia's grill. His volcano splattering a bunch of stuck up chicks. His voice cracking and changing. His wearing a mustache and pretending to be Greg's friend to date an older chick. Classic stuff.

- I would love to see the Sporting News, which has power rankings in almost every sport, branch out into the military. I like to seem them do the "World Power Rankings". Here's how my "poll ballot" would look if I ranked the world's militaries for the week of 8/1/06:
1. Coalition of the Willing.
2. China.
3. Russia.
4. Axis of Evil.
5. Israel.

- Trees should be smack-dab in the middle of the fairways on a golf course. It would take at least 18 strokes off of our golf games. Because all us amateurs could just aim for the tree in the middle of the fairway, assuring that our ball will hook or slice to the side in safety.

- Celebrity news- I was one of those people who was not a social outcast in high school, but neither did I really care what the "popular" kids were doing or saying. The same now. I had, and have, my group of friends, and that's just fine. But the sad thing is, the pathetic kids who cared desperately about the popular kids grew up to write and read celebrity newspapers and television shows. Who else would care about Bennifer, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt's baby, or all that other trash the rest of us don't give a hoot-in-hell about?

- Is it possible to swear using a false deities name and not commit a sin? If I say "Dalai-lama-damnit", I have not taken the name of the Lord in vain. But then again, since Z is a false god, is it really swearing? Hmmm...

- I want to do what this guy did, only do it with my tax return in 2007.

- I am in favor of legislation outlawing multiple spellings of the name Sherry, or Sheri, or Sharri, or Shari, or Sherri, or Cherry, or Cherri, or Cheri, or whatever. Let's all just pick a spelling and go with it.

- I need to take a station break. Some would call it preparing for an exam. So I won't be posting the next few days. But I'll be back soon.