Star Trek Phones

Following the Star Trek theme of the week over at the great Kiihnworld, I thought this was an interesting bit of news about the new Star Trek cell phone, errrr.....communicator. Although I guess it's not the first one to come out.

Personally, being a Trekkie wannabe, I'd be afraid to use this thing in public. You see, unlike a bonafide Trekkie, I don't have any desire to pretend I am the great Captain Kirk as I am using my cell phone.

However, I think it would serve a real Trekkie well if one already has a"wardrobe" that consists entirely of Star Fleet uniforms. Especially this time of year. There must be no better feeling in the world than looking like a dork while wearing dark long sleeve polyester in a 107 heat index environment.

I Definitely Don't Get This

Caffeine laced alcoholic beverages? Why? What is the point? Doesn't the alcohol and the caffeine cancel each other out? Making this drink a big fat zero?

When I am arriving home, I don't need or want a stimulant. Give me something to relax me.

Why does everyone have to meddle in someone else's business? KFC sells sandwiches. Burger joints have chicken. (By the way, Burger King's chicken fries are awesome). But do they have to do this to survive, or is it just greed for more market share? I don't know.

So now we have breweries making caffeinated beverages. Next we'll have beer latte.

Then we'll have coffee makers brewing alcohol. Folger's Falstaff will be on our grocery shelves alongside the Old Style Maxwell House and Starbuck's Silver Bullet.

There must be a market for this somewhere, although where I don't know.

Wanna See Some Cool Pictures?

I know, I got your attention.

Click here to visit the website where the pictures are.

I'm not sure who the dude is in the pictures, but it is not me. Although I am thinking about posting some actual pictures of me when I get to Busch for the last time this year. I think there should be a national coming out party for all bloggers this year, in which we all post a picture of ourselves one day. Something like, I'll Show You My Picture If You Show Me Yours Day. I'm sure Congress could get involved, they like to waste time with proclamations like this.

What do you all think?

Anyway, these are awesome Busch Stadium picutres. It is almost like a virtual tour. These would be great to download and save to your computer. It will serve as a great remembrance of the place in the years to come. If you've never been to Busch, but want to know what it is like, this is a great place to go, because it's going to cease to exist in about 3 months.

The Official Scottius Maximus Background Theme Song?

I've noticed some websites and blogs have background music. I've heard classical, country, and rock. While I have not in the past been in favor of that at Scottius Maximus, I think I have found a tune that captures the spirit of this blog.

What I'd like you all to do is click on the link below and listen to the song I've selected. You'll hopefully be able to play on Windows Media Player.

If you feel strongly about my selection, or have any thoughts on this, please make note of this in the comments.

Please click here to listen.

Thank you,


The Scottius Maximus One Man Quality Assurance Committee (i.e., me)

According To Shannon: The First Busch Stadium Game

Quick, someone call the History Channel.

On Thursday night's radio broadcast, St. Louis' own Garrison Keillor, Mike Shannon, had in his possession a scorecard from the very first game played at Busch Stadium. May 12, 1966. Evidently someone kept score from one of the field boxes behind home plate, and kept the scorecard as a souvenir.

Not a very interesting story? Well it is when told through the mouth of Uncle Mikey.

He zeroed in on the scorekeeper's notation on his card in the fifth inning. Was it the first Busch Stadium home run perhaps? Or first stolen base? Or first anything? Nope. That was not historically important, you see. What was significant was that the said scorekeeper made a notation in the fifth inning of the immortal game that he was...

...OUT OF BEER!

I'm sure the first thing Mike did when he saw that was to take inventory of his own cooler.

You've just got to love him.

By the way, I've found more Shannonisms from various websites to add to these:
"Don't bite off your head to spite your nose."
"Back in the day when I played, a pitcher had 3 pitches: a fastball, a curveball, a slider, a changeup and a good sinker pitch."
After Scott Rolen once ran a count to 3-0, Shannon had this to say as he hoped Rolen would be taking on the next pitch and receive a walk:
"You don't kick that dog as he's sleeping on the porch, you don't step on his tail, you just walk on by. If you step on his tail, he might jump up and bite you on the ankle or the kneecap."
Describing a sudden rash of wildness from Cardinals reliever Jason Isringhausen:
"Izzy's like a wild hare in March, running all over the lot!"
To long time booth mate Jack Buck, in regards to an official scorer’s questionable ruling:
"Well, no one’s perfect. Only one guy was ever perfect, Jack, and they nailed him to a tree!"

Anyway, getting back to that first game, here's the official box score of that game for anyone interested. (I love this quote from Baseball Almanac about the box score:"Fred Schwed, Jr., in How to Watch a Baseball Game (1957) wrote our favorite baseball box score quote, "The baseball box score is the pithiest form of written communication in America today. It is abbreviated history. It is two or three hours (the box score even gives that item to the minute) of complex activity, virtually inscribed on the head of a pin, yet no knowing reader suffers from eyestrain.")

Just for the record, here are the official Busch Stadium "Firsts"-
Game - May 12, 1966 (Cards defeat Atlanta, 4-3)
Batter - Felipe Alou (who will be coming to Busch for the last time with the Giants in two weeks)
Hit - Jerry Buchek
Double - Gary Geiger
Triple - Julian Javier
Home run - Felipe Alou
Grand slam - Curt Flood
Stolen base - Lou Brock
Victory - Don Dennis
Save - Nelson Briles

The first Cardinals home run at Busch? It was by our very own Mr. Shannon:
And an interesting piece of trivia was revealed during the broadcast. In 1966 at Busch Stadium, how much did a field box ticket cost? Wayne Hagin guessed $12. In my mind I guessed $9.

According to Mr Shannon, a field box ticket cost $3.50! Can you imagine that? I cannot. In 2005, that same ticket cost is in the vicinity of $65 to $70. WOW. But, free agency has been good for the game, right?

In the new stadium next year, I'm afraid to find out what a similar seat is going to cost.

The attendance of that first game was 46,068. I'd say at the prices they were charging, they'd have had to have a crowd of around 920,000 to make what they make at a home game today.

By the way the Cards won that first game over the Braves by the score of 4-3.

New Ball Park Photos

From the Official St. Louis Cardinals website:

Looking southwest at the new 1st base and right field stands, with current Busch at the right (north) of the photo.

This is the inside of the 3rd baseline stands on the west end of the new ballpark. The seating decks are precast. At the northern edge is the current Busch Stadium, in this photo's background. This is as far as they can go north at the moment until the current Busch is torn down (blown up?) after the end of this season.


Seats are already in the right field stands. This is a photo of the upper two decks of the new ballpark's right field stands as the seats were going in 4 weeks ago.

This is a view of the same area only a deck lower. The actual seats were about to go in on this level, like they have in the deck above.

This is a view from the third level on the southwest corner of the park, looking east toward right field. The black structure being erected will be part of the new scoreboard.

Looking straight up from the right field stands. The roof over these stands is now up.

Looking east at the homeplate (southwest corner) of the new ballpark. There's that highway 40 again on the right of the photo (south). Ugh.

View looking south at the main entrance of the new ballpark on it's western side. The Eads Bridge arches are cool. This will be the third base side. The current Busch is just out of view of the left side of the picture.


Not much time left. I can't believe it is August. Although I am sad they are tearing down the old stadium, this one looks awesome.

For Those Of You Still Interested: Latest LCMS Struggles

For what it's worth. FYI. From Reclaim News:

"'Report on Meeting from Litigants Suing LCMS President'

The following is a report from Mr. Edwin Hinnefeld, who met with Lutheran
Church-Missouri Synod President Gerald Kieschnick, in an attempt to resolve
issues over which Lutheran Concerns Association (LCA) is bring suit against
Kieschnick.
Questions about this meeting and its intent will be forwarded to Mr.
Hinnfeld.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
STATIONARY OF:

LUTHERAN CONCERNS ASSOCIATION
Edwin Hinnefeld
Chairman-Emeritus
July 27, 2005

Friends in Christ:

The conclusion of the LCMS convention in 2004 prompted many members to raise questions about the number of convention voting delegates.

Inquiry provided information that indeed there were 176 voting delegates as a result of 88 new circuits formed by exception. The LCMS President approved these exceptions in response to requests from Districts. These added delegates could therefore have changed the results of most of the actions taken at the convention including the election of officers, the praesidium and many other elected positions along with many resolutions that could have lasting results.

There was also information concerning the interference with the authority of the LCMS Board of Correctors by CCM opinions and convention resolutions contrary to Missouri law.

In addition to the CCM opinions contrary to Missouri law some did not interpret anything.

Hundreds of you have written, sent e-mails or telephoned your deep concern for the future of the Church if these irregularities were permitted to continue and not be corrected. It was clear that because of the complications of authority at the convention level, the board level, the office of the President and District President level the only solution was legal. Furthermore because Missouri law was clearly violated it required court action to resolve.

The Lutheran Concerns Association supported by nearly 100 plaintiffs began the task of coordinating the process of a legal lawsuit to correct these critical irregularities.

At the encouragement of many pastors we sought a meeting with the LCMS President Dr. Kieschnick to explain to him in person our contemplated action and to listen carefully to his response.

Attorney Robert Doggett and I attended this meeting on Monday July 27, 2005 at 10:00 a.m. Joining Dr. Kieschnick was Sherri Strand, an attorney with Thompson Coburn LLP, the law firm for the LCMS Board of Directors. Dr. Kieschnick was very cordial, opening the meeting with prayer, and after our brief presentation, he deferred to attorney Strand who urged for added meetings to review in detail the specific concerns in an effort to avoid litigation. There was a question about representation which I determined to be a concern about the source of funds for legal fees. Dr. Kieschnick was very attentive, asked several questions and reminded us of our Biblical responsibilities. Our meeting fulfilled its purpose and intent.

At 2:30 pm on the same day we met with the law firm representing our
proposed case. The firm of Kohn, Shands, Elbert, Gianoulakis & Giljum LLP
is in Missouri and is recognized as very capable and respected. It is their
opinion based on years of experience including many cases involving not for
profit institutions that these irregularities and the violation of Missouri
law supports the case for court action.

We have prepared for our law firm many details to help support and validate our case. These include the baptized membership [of the LCMS] by circuit, by district for 2001 and 2003 including voting delegates, congregations and exception delegates. We also provided [the number of] communicant members [of the LCMS] per voting delegate, circuits formed not conforming to LCMS by-laws and many more basis for correlation. Careful review of web-site information and minutes of several meetings have provided helpful information.

There is no way to predict the outcome. It is evident that the case will take many months and in fact may not be resolved by the 2007 LCMS convention. The importance is that the irregularities are corrected and the Church be restored to its precious tradition. It will be the basis in the future for reduction if not removal of any perceived actions of impropriety and cause all efforts, leadership, motivation and finances to be devoted to the Lord's work with absolute integrity.

There will be a time after the filing of the law suit, which will happen in August, for a period of discovery. As depositions are taken it will more clearly provide understanding and may reveal added irregularities. Great differences are reported between certain factions within the Church, often referred to as Liberal and Conservative. If in fact the sides will not comprise their position, then it reaches a state of impasse. At this point division many be the only answer. This in no way is advocated but reality says the future may hold such a decision.

It may be time for all members, including those in authority, to ask the question before any decision or action is taken "Is this pleasing to God"? Many decisions including those causing the irregularities seemingly were made for the gaining of power, greed, self-esteem or in some ways just patronizing.

We view this law suit as an opportunity provided by the Lord to bring about correction and change. Now we humbly seek the Lord's will, pleading for guidance and wisdom in all of our actions.

This cause is absolutely worthy, necessary and needs your support. Your financial support is requested. The costs are significant but small when compared to the enormous loss if we do nothing. There are many that have committed major resources to save our Church. We seek your prayers and support. Share this with your congregation so that many are being kept informed. Please send your contributions to:

Lutheran Concerns Association
Rev. Daniel N. Jastram, VP. Treas.
1320 Hartford Ave.,
St. Paul, MN 55116-1623

Sincerely in Christ,

Edwin Hinnefeld"



Make of this what you will.

Escape From The Planet Of The Ex-Cardinals

Due to the unmitigated success of the previous Planet of the Ex-Cardinals movies, here is the third installment in the franchise:

Starring:

Tony Womack, Yankees
G- 78, AB- 268, R- 36, H- 66, 2B- 5, 3B- 1, HR- 0, RBI- 12, TB- 73, BB- 12, SO- 41, SB- 23, CS- 5, OBP- .289, SLG- .272, AVG- .246, OPS- .561


Edgar Renteria, Red Sox
G- 95, AB- 382, R- 59, H- 103, 2B- 16, 3B- 3, HR- 6, RBI- 34, TB- 143, BB- 37, SO- 61, SB-8, CS- 3, OBP- .336, SLG- .374, AVG- .270, OPS- .710


Woody Williams, Padres
W- 5, L- 7, ERA- 4.66, G-16, GS- 16, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 0, IP- 96.2, H- 105, R- 50 ER- 50, HR- 14, BB- 25, SO- 55


Steve Kline, Orioles
W- 2, L- 3, ERA- 5.68, G- 48, GS- 0, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 3, IP- 38.0, H- 41, R- 26, ER-24, HR- 8, BB- 23, SO- 29


Mike Matheny, Giants
G- 81, AB- 273, R- 31, H- 69, 2B- 25, 3B- 0, HR- 9, RBI- 42, TB- 121, BB- 21, SO- 51, SB- 0, CS- 2, OBP- .314, SLG- .443, AVG- .253, OPS- .757


Danny Haren, A's
W- 8, L- 7, ERA- 4.36, G- 22, GS- 22, CG- 2, SHO- 0, SV- 0, SVO- 0, IP- 138.1, H- 143, R- 78, ER- 67, HR- 17, BB- 39, SO- 104


Kiko Calero, A's
W- 2, L- 0, ERA- 4.06, G- 31, GS- 0, CG- 0, SHO- 0, SV- 1, SVO- 1, IP- 31.0, H- 31, R- 14, ER- 14, HR-4, BB- 8, SO- 27


Marlon Anderson, Mets
G- 79, AB- 154, R- 20, H- 45, 2B- 7, 3B- 0, HR- 3, RBI- 10, TB- 61, BB-11, SO- 27, SB- 2, CS- 1, OBP- .341, SLG- .396, AVG- .292, OPS- .737

From high atop my critic's chair, here's my review of the "plot" of our latest installment:
1. The catching situation is like Star Wars (pardon the reference, but indulge me). You know how in each episode, the Jedi and the Empire would alternate who has the upper hand. Well in our world, in the first episode, Matheny is the better guy, in the second the young Molina is the better guy, and now with Molina laid up, I've got to say I'd like to have Matheny back again. Which can only mean one thing- in next month's edition, Yads will be doing much better than Michael. (A thumbs down for the Cardinals here).
2. I really miss Marlon Anderson. I'd love to have him available to start with so many starters banged up, let alone available to pinch hit. Even though he strikes out a lot, he has the second highest OPS of the exes. (Still a thumbs down for the Cardinals).
3. Haren and Calero vs. Mulder is a tough call at this point in the season. But then I remember, there is another ex-Cardinal lost in this trade who is not yet in the majors but who has the potential to be Pujolsesque (Mr. Barton). A new term may be born out of this: Bartoned, as in, in this trade we got Bartoned. (Thumbs down for the Cards).
4. I still love "Albert" Eckstein, and I'm still glad Renteria is gone. I think we saved a few million dollars here and came out better off. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
5. Womack is definitely Womackian again. And despite all our outfield injuries, I'd take Gall, Taguchi, Rodriguez, and Mabry any day in the outfield ahead of Womack. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
6. Woody Williams has worse numbers than any Cardinal starter. Although if Matt Morris continues his recent morph into "Bad Matt", this could change. And Soup may have given up more homers, but he's pitched 3.5 complete games more than Woodman. (Thumbs up for the Cards).
7. Steve Kline- 3 blown saves, no conversions- enough said. (Thumbs up for the Cards).

So, it looks like four thumbs up and three thumbs down for this film, a net gain of one thumb.

I'd rank this episode behind the first but better than last month's.

Until next time, I'll see you...at the movies.

Sorry I Missed This

The World Santa Claus Convention was held recently in Denmark. Looks like a worth while endeavor, huh?

That Santa dude is from Sweden. From the looks of this they have a parade of nations, just like the Olympic Games. And what else could possibly come to mind when thinking of the Santa Convention other than the Olympics? Fat, bearded, old white guys and world class athletes have long been associated with one another.

And, of course, sporting the traditional Santa "no-shirt look" and having Santa's helpers in high heels and skimpy outfits just reeks of the old fashioned Christmas celebrations we used to have at Grandpa Scott's. Sniff, sniff. Oh, the memories!

Well Cards- The Wildcard Is Looking Good Right Now

On 7/7/05 I predicted the wildcard would go to the Astros. But let's face it...

the Astros are the best team in the National League right now. Half of the Cardinals starters are on the DL. And I think barring some injuries to Houston, they are going to catch St. Louis. We saw how evenly matched these teams are at full strength during the NLCS last year. And the Cardinals at half-strength are not going to hold back the now-healthy Astros' onslaught.

I know the lead is still 8.5 games, but, come on. It's gettin' a little warm in here.

Play Station 3

What do you think of this? Looks pretty cool to me. I'm 41 and looking forward to the release of a video game console. I am officially certified as a loser.









But I'm not without great ideas. If I were Sony, I'd get Jimmie "J.J." Walker to market it.

"Sony PS3- I think it's 'Dyn-o-mite!'"

Random Thoughts On A Warm Summer's Day

- Why did Barney call Andy "Ange"?
- I have an idea for a sure-fire hit TV show. Remember Hee Haw? It was all about country life, corn-ball skits and jokes, and great music. And I loved it! Well, just flip the premise over on its head, and bring back Hee Haw, only with the hip-hop/rap culture. Seeing Nelly in a straw hat and overalls singing "Where, Where Are You Tonight?" would rule.
-I'm no golfer, but wouldn't golf be better if the sand traps and water hazards were on the greens too? Half the game is played on the green, right? Something needs to be done to make this game more interesting. Or how about using cue sticks on the greens instead of putters?
- I predict the next organs to be transplanted will be teeth. Why haven't we done this yet? We've been harvesting other things for years.
- Why was the train in the song "The Gambler", sung by Kenny Rogers, "bound for nowhere"? How do you get on a train like that? Who's ever gone to the train station and seen "Nowhere" as a destination? And can you get on a plane bound for nowhere?
- I want to write a book. I have lots of good ideas (for me, at least). How do I get started? I'm afraid to ask somebody because I'm afraid they'll steal my ideas while I'm trying to figure it all out.
- How did we figure out it was oxygen that our bodies needed when we breathe? Did we strap people in chairs with gas masks over them? And then pump each individual full of a different gas? Therefore the last man alive was breathing the "good stuff".
- Why are a lot of people offended by the word "piss"? The word "pisseth" is in my KJV bible in the books of 1 Samuel, 1 Kings and 2 Kings.
- I don't think the Beach Boys would have been as popular if, instead of "Help Me Ronda", they wrote "Help Me Coco".
- If someone writes a post, but there is no one visiting to read it, does it really exist?
- When I was growing up it was fashionable to talk to plants. It was supposed to make them thrive. So now, whenever I'm driving by a cornfield, I roll down the windows and yell "GO CORN!"
- What is the difference between straw and hay?
- I used to love pork chops, until I began to recognize the vertebrae and spinal cord in this particular cut of meat. Now I eat them, but try not to look.
- I thought Cloris Leachman was dead. And James Arness. Thank God for Who's Alive and Who's Dead! Now I know they're not. And how else would I know Miss Kitty died of AIDS.
- Here's a creepy thought- what if flies were the size of dogs? Or spiders? Ooooooh- I just got a chill.
- What's a better super power- being able to fly or being more powerful than a steaming locomotive? For me, it's flight.
- Chris Farley is my favorite all time SNL'er. I watched "Tommy Boy" the other night and laughed like I did the first time I saw it. The deer in the car is classic. Even though they sort of repeated this gag with the bat in the cabin in "Black Sheep", I think the bat scene is even funnier. For some reason I think Chris's comedy was like "The Three Stooges" in that it appeals mostly to guys. My wife doesn't get it.
- I can't take credit for this thought, but I am repeating it because it is a good one. One of the radio chicks this morning made a good point- in the summer, just give me the heat index, not the temperature. Because if it feels like it's 110, then I don't care if the temperature is only 99. Because my body thinks it's 110.
- And on another weather note, why don't we have wind chill factors this time of year? I think it would be funny to hear someone say something like, "the heat index is 105 with a wind chill of 104.
- WARNING- THE FOLLOWING THOUGHT IS NOT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED:
When we get sick, our stool sometimes turns to liquid. We call it diarrhea, right? Well, how come when we're sick, if this happens to our stool, why doesn't our urine ever turn to solid?
- Dittos to what I said above about Chris Farley and apply that to the Sklar brothers. ESPN Classic's "Cheap Seats" is hilarious- if you're a guy. I have yet to meet a guy who doesn't love that show. And yet my wife hates it. Are there any females who feel differently?

Would You Pay $41.99?

There's a new medication coming out this summer. It's a one dose antibiotic. All's it is is azithromycin, which has been on the market for 14 years. But now you take your 10 day course in one dose. That's right. One dose. Just go the pharmacy, they add water, and hand you this drug to drink down at one shot. And it is being quoted at $41.99.

The name? Z-max. But my question is, who is going take one dose of this stuff for that price and not complain about it? It is a hard concept to get your mind around. A regular ten day course of medication could cost twice that depending on what you were given, but at least they hand you 20 or 30 pills for the price. One stinking swallow for over $40? I don't know about that.

What happens if you spill half of it?

I really don't think the public is going to go for this. I think you could get a whole bottle of scotch for that price. Or a big ol' fancy supper.

Z-max? Ask for it by name.

My Bible Has This To Say:

Matthew 28:18-20:
"18And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen."

So how come non-denominational, anti-doctrinals love verse 19 and ignore verse 20? Doesn't verse 20 naturally follow verse 19? It seems to me Christ felt teachings (doctrines) were very important.

"The devil, too, can quote Scripture. But his use of Scripture is defective. He does not quote it completely but only so much of it as serves his purpose. The rest he silently omits."- Martin Luther.

So, if someone thinks our doctrine is unimportant and quotes the Great Commission while leaving out verse 20, he has defectively quoted scripture by that omission. Andthis person should be corrected, no?

I Seem To Recall...

...saying three days ago that Rolen would be on the DL again soon. Well he's now there, alright. For how long, who knows?

Just stick with me kids, for all your Cardinals news before its news. (Funny, though, how they blamed the bad shoulder but didn't mention anything about the beard transplant. Maybe I should call Art Bell!)

Try This On For Size, My Crispy Friends

It's hot where I am. And I've had about enough of this thing you see above for now. So I've put some thoughts to paper. Record it at your own risk, ye budding artists.

"Stairway To Hell" , copyright 2005. Words by Scottius Maximus. Sung to the tune of "Stairway To Heaven." With my deepest apologies to Led Zeppelin.

"There's a lady who states, that this heat wave is great
as she's frying an egg on my sidewalk.
It's so humid, I bet, I'll be soaking wet,
just by blinking my eyelids too quickly.
Ooooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooooh, and she's frying an egg on my sidewalk.

It's so bright I can't see, as the sun beats on me,
'Cause my pupils constrict down to nothing.
I'll bump into the wall, and down the stairs I'll fall,
'Cause my eyes they're both nothing but iris.

Oooooooooooh, and it makes me sweat more.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me sweat more.

There's a feeling I get, as my eyes fill with sweat,
like the stinging of thousands of hornets.
And I stick to the seat of my car from this heat,
Like I'm glued by some resin from Saturn.

Oooooooh, and it makes me sweat more.
Oooooooh, and it makes me sweat more.

And I think that we fell, and landed in hell,
'Cause I know that my insides are melting.
But a new day will dawn, over my burned up lawn.
With no water we'll just have to drink dust.

Ooooh, it makes me sweat more.
Oooh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.

If you see fire raining down soon, don't be alarmed now.
'Til you see "EVACUATE" posted.
Don't leave the windows of your car up, or it will erupt.
And your own rear end will be toasted.

Oooh, and it makes me sweat more.
Ooooh, ahhh, ahh, ahh, ahh.

Your sweat's precipitating on you, leaving a white dust.
No you're not hallucinating.
Because the water level's so low, babe did you know?
It will be 4 years till you'll have to mow.

And as I drive on down the road.
Cursing that A/C that I sold.
I nearly faint as I am told
never again will it be cold.
The air is heavier than gold
so that I'm wheezing like I'm old.
The heat index is 2-0-4,
We need to go bathe in Crisco.
And we'll all be ready- to explode.

And she's frying an egg on my sidewalk."

Do Not Challenge Us- Your Suffering Shall Be Legendary

This is hilarious. Kudos to Viva El Birdos for posting this gem of a cartoon from Korea. The Cardinals dominance is indeed legendary. Here is Korean cartoonist Choi Hoon's depiction of the NL Central:

Hair Transplants And The St. Louis Cardinals?

Matt Morris beard has been getting trimmed thinner and thinner. It has to be the St. Louis summer heat. When I saw him pitching on Monday, I momentarily thought he had gone with the goatee, but close up shots showed he has thinned down the sides quite a bit. The Grizzly Adams look is gone. And who can blame him this time of year in St. Louis?

But the curious thing is, Scott Rolen was not in the lineup Monday night. Then on Tuesday night, he starts the game. And he has some thing growing on his face. I'm still not sure what it is, but it seems to be in 3 pieces. There are two pieces that end below his side burns on each side over the jaw, and then one central piece around the mouth. I'm not sure, but his hair, the jaw piece hair, and the mouth piece hair, all seem to have different colors.

Is it too science fiction of me to propose that someone has transplanted the trimmings from Morris' beard to Rolen? He's always had such a baby face that maybe he couldn't grow his own beard. Maybe Matt loaned him some shavings, which were transplanted Monday. Hence, he was not in the lineup.

And did you notice how every time he swung the bat and missed last night, Rolen was in obvious pain. He even yelled out on a couple of cuts that didn't connect in the 7th inning. Joe Buck and Al Hrabosky were quick to point this out. But I don't think it's from any injury, like Joe and Al. I think it's because when he follows through on his swing, not making contact whips his neck and head enough that the stubble from the transplant cuts into his still delicate facial skin.

Rolen needs to be on the DL. I think he will be soon.

The Natural

Albert Pujols after Friday night's game winning 13th inning walk off home run.





"Pop Fisher: You know my mama wanted me to be a farmer.
Roy Hobbs: My dad wanted me to be a baseball player.
Pop Fisher: Well you're better than any player I ever had. And you're the best damn hitter I ever saw. Suit up."
- The Natural

I Had A Weird Experience With Levitra Last Night

Just let me say right off the bat that it's not what you think. Really. No, really. I mean it.

Let me explain. Last night I went to a dinner meeting sponsored by a pharmaceutical company that was supposed to be about...well, you know. The company is Glaxo Smith Kline.

I am from a mostly "white" town. I still am. There have been a number of minority groups moving to the area in recent years, from Asians, to Mexicans, to Middle Easterners, just like everywhere else I guess, except I always believed there were far fewer in my neck of the woods. Which there probably are. But last night as I walked in the room, for the first time in my life I am in the minority. Besides the speaker and a couple of pharm. reps, I'm the only white guy there. White chicks, black guys, black chicks, Asian guys, Indian guys, Middle Eastern guys were all there. Why I noticed this I do not know. But I did. I didn't feel uncomfortable, but I did feel different. So, am I a bigot?

And the women outnumbered the men. I don't know why, but I felt very uncomfortable about that. I guess it was having the topic, erectile dysfunction, discussed in mixed company that I found a little disturbing. And of course, the jokes are flowing as freely as cheap cologne at a cat house. Very unprofessional. But none of the jokes were from those who looked "Middle Eastern", they were all from American women and the most Americanized of the immigrants. It really disgusted me. Our culture is spiraling out of control. I felt like a fish out of water when I walked in, but after the discussions started in with the nonsense, I really felt different. So, am I a prude?

The crowning glory to this weirdness for me was the stupid Levitra pen that was proudly given to all of us. I am not kidding about this, but some "genius" thought it would great fun to make a Levitra pen that performed in a similar way to the drug. I am not sure how to put this in a delicate way. The pen comes folded up, but by pressing a button, it unfolds, erecting itself into a full size pen right before your eyes. Cute, huh? Not really.

Just where am I supposed to use this pen, oh Levitra-marketing madman? If you think I'm going to pull this suggestive pen out to sign the attendance card at church, you're out of your cotton-pickin' mind. I'd probably be ex-communicated.

And I can't use it at work. I don't want a lawsuit on my hands.

But everything was not bad. I did get a good meal. And there was one humorous story about some dude who saw the Levitra commercial with the guy throwing the football through the tire. Evidently he called his doctor the next day asking for that pill "that makes you throw the football better". Some people don't abstract well.

Anyway, I'm going straight home tonight. I think I'll feel better.

You Think You've Got A Bad Job?

This guy comes in to my office today who is a meter reader. He reads gas and electric meters for the power company. So today he gets bit by a dog on the job. As I'm talking to him, I realize I have no idea how some people have to spend their days.








First of all, this man was attacked by a dog. Not a little dog. This one happened to be a German Shepherd. The owner thought he had put it in the house, but the dog jumped up against the door and the door came flying open. So now the dog's out with our reader friend, and after he had finished around back of this house he makes his way around to the front to find...one angry German Shepherd looking for trouble. Well, thankfully, he was able to bob and weave around, and as the animal lunged at him he was able to take his meter recorder and hit it in the head. He thinks the dog's tooth caught his hand on it's way across his path, and before the dog could come again he was able to grab his dog spray and schnizzle Rin Tin Tin in the puss before anything else happened. He had to come in to get a tetanus shot nonetheless.

Not exactly how I'd want to spend my day.

But the worst part of it was that he matter of factly stated he has at least two dog "encounters" a day. This amazed me. His job is more dangerous than I would have thought. I consider myself a dog lover, too. But I wouldn't want to have to psych myself up just to go to work every day.

"Okay, here I go again, off to work. How many dogs will come after me today. One? Two? Five? Do I have enough spray? Am I alert enough? Can I do this again today? Will tomorrow be just like today, and will today be just like yesterday? Wait a minute...what was that? I thought I heard a noise behind me like an animal sneaking up or something. Must have been the wind. There it is again. I better turn around. No on second thought, I'll just...RUN!"

I mean, I have tough days and all. But doing what I do, at least I don't have crazed dogs running around my office looking to get a piece of me. Every day. Every single stinking day. At least I don't have to tell someone I can't get to them today because of the vicious dog blocking my way. Doesn't happen.

After years of this, this would, I think, really take years off your life. Or drive you to the edge. Which, thinking about letter carriers who are in the same predicament, might explain the whole "Going Postal" phenomenon.

Prayers, Please, For Us Lutherans

In October of 2004, my fellow church members and I of Pilgrim Lutheran Church, Decatur, IL, voted to leave the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod and become an independent Lutheran congregation for now. This was no reactionary undertaking after the disastrous Convention one year ago. This was a long time coming, after approximately 15 years of tolerating error, being accused of being un-Christian in our demands that "Lutherans" act and worship as Lutherans, witnessing back-room politicking at its finest, wanting pastors to live up to their vows, and fighting just about every battle in our district that is now being played out in the Synod as a whole. Our conclusion finally was that the idea of the "Missouri Synod" no longer existed, although it still existed in name. So we left.

We were not the only ones who did so. Our two wonderful pastors, who I think literally were prepared to go work at Home Depot rather than stay in the Missouri Synod political machine one more year, were contacted by another Lutheran pastor after their own hearts, in St. Clair Shores, Michigan, named Jack Cascione. His church, Redeemer Lutheran, had pulled out of Missouri just before our church did, and when he heard what we had done, he called. It turns out he had had similar experiences as our pastors had. And so a period of trying to become familiar with each other went by. Finally, one of my pastors went to Michigan to preach one Sunday, and Pastor Cascione returned the favor to us a few weeks later. It seemed we all wanted the same things. We are Waltherian by nature.

In May, our congregation and the St. Clair Shores Redeemer congregation agreed to come together to work on planting mission congregations. That would be congregations who are orthodox Lutheran. You know, that actually use the catechism as a teaching resource, who believe the Book of Concord of 1580 to be the true exposition of the Christian faith, who believe doctrine is important stuff, that the liturgy is important stuff, and that "contemporary worship" is as silly as John Rydgren's wacko-psychedelic god-speak. And so the United Lutheran Mission Association was born.

Well, the first meeting of the United Lutheran Mission Association, is this Saturday, 7/16/05 in Chicago. The first mission site will be chosen. So far, several congregations have already asked for help. One from as far away as Germany. Most right here in the Midwest. And several congregations will send representatives to the meeting to observe, and possibly, become members of the ULMA as well. Here is the website link.

Here is what the ULMA hopes to accomplish with God's help:
""Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that Christ has commanded."

Matthew 28:16-20

United Lutheran Mission Association, ULMA, was founded in May, 2005 to unite the God-given resources of Lutheran congregations to establish and maintain traditional Lutheran Mission Congregations, and offer an organization for existing Lutheran Congregations of like mind.

Guided by the Holy Scripture, "Book of Concord of 1580" and many of the writings of C.F.W. Walther, a fine Lutheran theologian and first president of the LCMS, the Association has the following objective:

Establish and maintain independent, orthodox, Lutheran, mission congregations until they are self-sufficient. Primary duties include:

• Consider and match funds to requests from laypersons or Lutheran pastors wishing to start or maintain a mission.
• Seek and collect the names of orthodox, Lutheran Pastors who might wish to start or serve in mission congregations.

With assistance from the ULMA, new Lutheran mission congregations will be modeled on constitutions nearly identical to the LCMS congregational constitutions prior to 1969.

ULMA is actively seeking:

• Potential mission sites in the contiguous United States
• Lutheran Pastors who may wish to start/serve a mission site.
• Laypersons and congregations interested in becoming members and supporting these new mission congregations."
  

Please pray that God will allow our representatives to choose the congregation that not only is most in need of support, but the congregation which He Himself wishes to be chosen. It is an exciting and yet humbling time. May we do the right thing.

So please remember us in your prayers. Thank you.

Trivia Anyone?

During the mid to late 1990s, I liked to go in to AOL trivia rooms at night and play the trivia games. I could hold my own. So, for all my fellow triviates, here is an easy yet fascinating question (at least I find it fascinating) for you.

There are only two days during the calendar year when no games of the big 4 professional sports (MLB, NFL, NHL, NBA) are being played. What days are they?

Bonus question: In what sport are no games played during the entire calendar year?

All Star Game Thoughts

1. The Cardinals will not win the World Series, barring a trade or two. As I posted last week, the American League is too strong. The Cardinals next to last hope was home field advantage. That is now gone. So Walt Jocketty better make a move or two.
2. How many buns does Jeanne Zelasko have in the oven? Her tummy is growing exponentially.
3. While on the subject of Jeanne, can Fox buy her a wardrobe? There are some options in maternity wear these days. I don't know where to begin, but here goes:
- She was wearing the same dress she did on Saturday's broadcast. What's up with that? Even my aging brain can remember that thing from 3 days previously.
- It's summer time. Are there maternity clothes that are not long sleeved?
- What's up with the poofy shoulders? Is this popular now? I really don't know, but it's like Jerry Seinfeld's puffy shirt.
- I like Jeanne, but I don't look for her to be on the broadcasts much longer. She looks like she is going to burst soon.
4. All of the Cardinals made a good showing.
5. I'm glad Carpenter pitched only one inning. He was fortunate to get out of the first without any runs scoring. And Tony had the good sense to pull him before he would have gotten lit up.
6. Eckstein showed some glove right off the bat in the game. I was glad to see him complimented by Joe and Tim, as he has many detractors about his defensive abilities.

7. Joe Buck's blundering substitution of Carlos Lee for Derrek Lee while reading (maybe the problem was he wasn't reading) the lineups at the beginning of the broadcast I'm sure did not sit well with Cub fans. At least the Cubs are having a stellar year. Oops, that's right, they're not. Well, at least Derrek Lee is not having an historic year. Oops again, I guess he is. My first reaction was, did he really just say that? I kept waiting and waiting for Joe to be corrected, either from McCarver or some behind the scenes guy, but the correction did not come until after the game had started. So for those of you who didn't know, that was actually Derrek Lee, not Carlos Lee, who started at first base for the National League.
8. Joe sure has some funky looking glasses. He looked worse than Michael Douglas in Falling Down.
9. Thanks for nothing Pedro Martinez.
10. Kenny "Roasters" Rogers got what he probably deserved. Booed and lit up for a home run seems about right for showing up when he should not have. I just hope I don't get what I deserve, because I'm probably farther from perfect than he is. Lord, have mercy on me.
11. The National League is more inferior than even I thought.
12. The American League will win again next year. So this "This Time It Counts" stuff is really beginning to annoy me.

I'm Frightened!

I've never been a Star Wars fan. I saw the first two movies a few years back. I never understood what the big deal was. People just went nuts. I thought the first film was campy at best. The second film I do feel was better. By the time the third film came out I was in college and really didn't care. So I've never seen it.

Nor any of the three films made in the past seven years.

I think God may be punishing me now. Because I spent a good part of the last 20 years making fun of the geeks and dorks (oops, there I go again) who camp out in front of theaters and walk around in Darth Vader and Chewbacca costumes. I know it was wrong. I shouldn't have done it. But I did. The crowning glory in all this was two months ago, when I watched this video of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewing Star Wars fans outside a movie theater in New York. You know, the typical Star Wars losers. Sorry, there I go again. But that was one of the single funniest video clips I have ever seen. If you haven't seen it, you've got to click on the link above and do so. It will only take 10 minutes of your time. I really am sorry for laughing so hard. It's terrrible. I know it is. I know that some of the comments are crude. I'm sorry. But it was just SO FUNNY.

So now, after saying all of this, what do you think has happened? No, I'm not now a Star Wars fan. Good gracious. Are you insane?

No, but it's just as bad. My poor son has recently seen the first movie due to a friend's recommendation. And he liked it. Yesterday he saw the second one. And liked it even more.

Now what do I do? I know I shouldn't have used the words dweebs, nerds, losers, freaks, and various other derogatory terms for Star Wars fans. Now my son may be becoming one. I guess my sin has found me out. I am truly sorry.

Is there an organization I can turn to? You know, for parents whose kids have become the very thing they used to have such a glorious time making fun of. I mean, I know to ask God for His forgiveness. I was really mean to do what I did. But how do other parents handle this. I know there are worse things to happen. At least it's not like I'm joining PFLAG or something. But I need support.

I know I can't be the only one out there in this predicament. There must be some organization. Maybe I should do a Google search. For POPSWK, or something. You know, Parents of Pathetic Star Wars Kids. Or something.

Maybe it's just a phase,though; it's just a phase he's going through. Maybe he'll just think it's a nice story and leave it at that. Maybe he won't want a "WOOKIE SUIT" for Christmas. Maybe playing with plastic light sabers won't appeal to him.

I've got to give him some credit. He'll figure it out for himself, I'm sure. If not, there is always the Triumph video to show him.

Is It Just Me...

Or does the National League really have no chance tonight? If the Cardinals make it back to the WS, it looks like it will be another road start, which would make that the fourth time in a row.

By the way, isn't Detroit's new ball park beautiful? I just loved Tiger Stadium, but the way the Tigers theme permeates this ballpark is just so cool. I hope St. Louis new ball park has as much of a Cardinals motif.

Dennis, I Love You, Baby

Some will not like me saying this, but it is how I felt this morning. I'm sure you folks in Florida don't like it much, but I do. You see, for the past 3 months, the area I live in has gotten less rain than in any similar period since the 1890s. Some of our farmers are really hurting.

It started to rain last night, and is still raining this morning. It is supposed to rain all day today and part of tomorrow.

And we owe it to Dennis. Well, not really. And I don't really love Dennis. Actually, we owe it all to God. So, for all those hurt by this hurricane, just remember, God has also used it for good. Even if we don't deserve it.

Decision 2005- --Sam, Or... Uh, Sam?

My dog's named Sam. Actually his full name as registered at his vet's is Samson Dale Scott. We usually call him Sam or Sammy. Unless he's in trouble. Then it's definitely Samson. He'll be 2 in August, we think. At least the vet says so. He's a big, strong, fast, and gorgeous creation God made out of retriever, husky, and some shepherd. This post is not about Sam.

But this post is in reference to an article about another Sam. Via the great Caffeine and Irony, which provided the picture you will see. Read the story before looking at the picture below. But be forewarned- what you are about to see is shocking. If you are alone, bring someone in the room with you before viewing, preferably a trained professional, lest you faint or have an anaphylactic reaction. If symptoms persist more than 24 hours, see your doctor.

"SANTA BARBARA, Calif. - The owners of the other contestants in this year's World's Ugliest Dog Contest may have thought their pooches had a chance until they saw Sam.

The 14-year-old pedigreed Chinese crested recently won the Sonoma-Marin Fair contest for the third consecutive time, and it's no surprise.

The tiny dog has no hair, if you don't count the yellowish-white tuft erupting from his head. His wrinkled brown skin is covered with splotches, a line of warts marches down his snout, his blind eyes are an alien, milky white and a fleshy flap of skin hangs from his withered neck. And then there's the Austin Powers teeth that jut at odd angles from his mouth.

He's so ugly even the judges recoiled when he was placed on the judging table, said his proud owner, Susie Lockheed, of Santa Barbara.

"People are always horrified when I kiss him. He may turn into a prince yet. He's definitely a toad," she said. "I always thought he'd be great on greeting cards or on a commercial for Rogaine."

Sam, who's pushing 15, has something of a cult following after winning the contest and fans' hearts for three years running. Last year, huge crowds gathered around Sam and Lockheed at a local parade and Lockheed said she received letters and calls about her pup for weeks.

"So many people have told me they've got his picture on their refrigerator. He certainly has a little cult following," she said. "I did years of professional musical theater and never achieved the fame Sam has."

Sam will appear in this weekend's Fourth of July parade in Santa Barbara, but the recent events may be the cap on a long, ugly career. Lockheed says Sam's now suffering from congestive heart failure, lung and kidney problems and has definitely slowed down in his twilight years.

Still, he enjoys regular gourmet meals of sirloin steak, cheese balls, roasted chicken and flan (so he'll swallow his multiple pills). He also passes occasional weekends at the Gaviota ranch of Lockheed's boyfriend, where the World's Ugliest Dog rides in the back of an ATV with his few remaining hairs wafting in the wind."

Now I ask- who is the fairer Sam? Actually, how about one of those blog polls that were popular for a few days? Vote now. For Samson Scott. Or Sam "The Ugly" Lockheed.

Phone lines are open now!

All*Star Baseball

If you were a boy growing up in the late 1960s and early 1970s, you undoubtedly passed some of the most hot and humid afternoons of summer sitting in your own, or a friend's, air-conditioned home and playing "All*Star Baseball Game". The version to the right was the version we had. As we grew older, there were more realistic games to be played, such as Strat-O-Matic Baseball, but nothing captured the imagination quite like All*Star Baseball. This game has been around forever. My father even had one when he was young!

Part of the "mystique" was probably the fact the game "board" itself sat in the box and had a picture of the infield at Wrigley Field. On this picture were four holes where pegs could be placed around all 3 bases and home plate to keep track of your runners on the basepaths of a real diamond. So cool!

Then there was a background piece of cardboard which had a photo of Wrigley's bleachers and outfield, and which sat propped upright on the board by four slots. On this piece was a fielding key, stolen base key, hit and run key, and some other stuff I don't quite remember. There was also a spinning wheel to keep track of outs and the number of runs scored that inning.

On the actual playing board were two spinners on top of a piece of clear plastic. Discs, representing individual players, were inserted into the clear plastic. The discs were divided into 15 or 20 areas around the outside of the disc, each containing a number. The numbers represented what could happen during an at-bat. There was a key as to what the number meant on the board just below home plate. So, for instance, if the spinner stopped pointing at the area with the number "10", your batter just struck out, because "10" meant a strike out. Each individual player who was an "All Star" for a particular year had a disc which was divided into the spaces. The sizes of the spaces were determined by the actual likelihood, from that real player's stats, of that player striking out, hitting a ground ball, hitting a fly ball, walking, singling, doubling, tripling, or homering.

Here's what the numbers on the discs meant:
1- Home Run
2- Ground ball III
3- Fly ball I
4- Fly ball I
5- Triple
6- Ground ball III
7- Single II
8- Fly ball I
9- Base on balls
10- Strike out
11- Double
12- Ground ball III
13- Single II
14- Fly ball I

The I's, II's, and III's directed your eyes to the propped up scoreboard area, and based on a second flick of the spinner, determined whether the fielder caught the ball or made an error, and how many bases the runners advanced, if any. So there was a lot of detail to the game, making no two games play the same. What a joy it was!

What happened if the spinner landed on a line dividing two spaces- the dreaded "liner"? Well, we counted that as a "foul ball", and the batting player just spun again.

Wilbur Wood, the famous knuckleball pitcher, had the biggest "10's" I have ever seen. He almost always struck out. There were few things worse than having your opponent bring Wilbur Wood to "bat", and Wilbur Wood getting a hit. He's my nominee for "Worst All*Star Baseball Player" ever.

Triples were invariably the smallest spaces on the discs. Lou Brock, Dave Cash, and, as I remember, Rennie Stennett, had the biggest "5's".

Pete Rose had a huge "13"; there was none bigger. I never understood why they made his "13" so big and his "7" just average. But they did.

And Willie Stargell and Nate Colbert had the biggest "1's". I know. I measured all the players against each other!

I have pages upon pages of statistics that I kept on loose leaf notebook paper. Batting averages, home runs, RBI's. I kept them all. Useless information, to be sure, but if anyone wants to know which players had the most successful discs, I could tell you.

The funniest stat I kept was ERA. ERA? And strike outs. What the heck did I do that for? Pitching had absolutely nothing to do with the outcome of the game. Or did it? After playing hundreds of games, I can tell you that some pitchers fared better than others. Call it the curse, or blessing, of run support, if you will, but on some level I did believe that who my pitcher was influenced a game's outcome. It seems strange to say, but if some pitchers were in my lineup, say, Jim "Catfish" Hunter, I would feel very confident about winning the game. Some guys racked up a lot of wins, while others a lot of losses. How can anyone explain that?

For a youngster, this is a great way to learn the"inner game" in a fairly simple, yet fun, way. There is some "strategery" to this game, because of the options to steal, hit and run, intentional walk, etc. And a lot of the fun was in deciding what players to choose (draft) for your team's position players and pitchers, and then making out the batting order. Something a 10 year old (or 41 year old for that matter) finds extremely entertaining.

Believe it or not, I still played this game regularly in college, although by then Strat-O-Matic was more interesting to me. The last time I played this game was in 1989, when my wife was pregnant with my son. I envisioned him playing this game at the time, just like my father had played before me. But, in this video-game driven world, that was not to be. So be it.

I have seen there is now a "Hall Of Fame Edition" of All*Star Baseball. It looks like there are now pictures of the players on the discs. Although it looks good, I'll pass on getting it. I still have my game in my basement if the urge ever comes. I guess I still have it because I couldn't bear to part with it. The hours of my life spent playing this game have prevented that. I only wish I could find my dad's old game. That, and his old baseball cards.

So, as the MLB All-Star Game approaches, everyone lift a glass (and unless you're The Hulk, preferably not one of these) to All*Star Baseball Game.

Man, I really love baseball. And I think All*Star Baseball Game is a part of the reason.

OKAY. THAT'S ENOUGH NOSTALGIA FOR AWHILE (SNIFF, SNIFF). LET'S MOVE ON.

HEY- I GOT RIPPED OFF!

I just noticed something as I was drafting my next post. I have a Microsoft keyboard. On the key with the number "8" on it, above the "8" is a five pointed star. But when you shift and hit the "8" key, you get a six pointed star. See: *.

What's up with that?!!! I want my money back.

ADDENDUM 8:45 PM: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!!! When I am typing on Blogger, I swear the star is six pointed. I'M NOT KIDDING!!! But when I published the post, the star has 5 points like my keyboard. BLOGGER IS MAKING A FOOL OF ME! You think I'm nuts, don't you? This program is making me look like a DAD-GUM FOOL. And I don't need any help doing that.

I think I'm gettin' gas-lighted.

*********************************** You see all those stars I just typed. On blogger, they're six pointed. REALLY. I wish you could see this. But I bet when I hit the publish button again, those things will change to five pointed FREAKS. Was I right?

This is weirdin' me out.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!