I Have Good News

Remember last year when I published my book, "Why I Don't Play Rugby"?

Well, due to its popularity, Scottius Maximus Publishing, a subsidiary of Scottius Maximus Enterprises, is proud to announce it has ordered a second printing. And it's been updated for 2006.

And I'm proud to reproduce it here.

Without further adieu, "Why I Don't Play Rugby", 2nd Edition." Enjoy.

________________________________________________
Why I Don't Play Rugby

by Scottius Maximus

Copyright 2005
2nd Edition 2006

________________________________________________

Table of Contents

Chapter One: This Is Why I Don't Play Rugby....................Page 1
Chapter Two: Another Reason I Don't Play Rugby.............Page 2

________________________________________________
Page 1-----------------------This Is Why I Don't Play Rugby

Chapter One

Here is the reason I don't play Rugby:


(from Philippe Lopez/AFP/Getty Images)
________________________________________________
Page 2-----------------------This Is Why I Don't Play Rugby

Chapter 2

Here is another reason I don't play Rugby:



________________________________________________
Page 3-----------------------This Is Why I Don't Play Rugby

Index
Rugby, Here is another reason why I don't play, page 2.
Rugby, Here is the reason I don't play, page 1.

________________________________________________
Page 4-----------------------This Is Why I Don't Play Rugby

Acknowledgements:
I would like to thank Fox Sports for their photos.

The End.
________________________________________________

Y'all Have A Good Weekend!

Here's me this weekend. I'm taking a couple days off for Memorial Day, but will check in periodically for comments. If something Earth-shattering happens, like if the Earth shatters or something, I'll be back to comment. Blessings.

Do I Have What It Takes?

What do you think?

I'm thinking of trying my hand at the next auditions of American Idol.


"Thank you. Thank you very much."

I've got a fair number of songs I have written that I could perform:
Scottius Maximus- Superhero Theme Song 1.
Scottius Maximus- Superhero Theme Song 2.
In The Year 2025 2006.
Real Men Of Genius Commercial- Mr. Over-The Top Confessional Lutheran Blogger.
Stairway To Hell.
My Blogs Salute.


Hey, if some gray-haired dude can win, so can I. Bottom line- without gray hair, dude doesn't win.

Conclusion- you've got to have a gimmick. The secret is just to look different.


"So I got that going for me. Which is nice."

Scottius Maximus Word Of The Month

For May, it's "tarnation". One of my favorites. Definition is from Dictionary.com.

tar·na·tion- (tär-nshn) New England & Southern U.S. n.
The act of damning or the condition of being damned.interj.
Used to express anger or annoyance.
[tarn(al) + (damn)ation.]
Regional Note: The noun and interjection tarnation illustrate suffixation, the addition of a suffix to a word. Tarnation and darnation (the latter probably having come first) are both euphemistic forms of damnation. Tarnation seems to have been influenced by tarnal, another mild oath derived from (e)ternal! The Oxford English Dictionary cites late-18th-century examples of tarnation from New England, indicating that it has been part of American speech since colonial days.

Have You Ever Played Super Mario Bros. And Have Five Minutes To Spare?

Then you HAVE to watch this video! Very clever.

On The Map

The new Busch Stadium is officially official. It's up at Ballparks of Baseball.

Once you're done reading this, check out some of the old ball park photos of places you have probably heard of and read about but never seen. There are a lot of color photos of Ebbets Field, Forbes Field, Crosley Field, and the like.

Why Me?

Picture of me getting up in the morning.

Since I am apparently banned forever from commenting on World Magazine Blog or Cranach (something about me being spam), I'll just link to a few posts that caught my eye from both.

Mr. Vieth's Cranach has a nice mention of Albert Pujols.

World Magazine has a discussion on banning smoking in public and on the selling of Christ as commodity.

And why would they ban me? ME?

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Nothing. Hat tip to the great Viva El Birdos for the following story.

If you had done something spectacular, something no one else has come close to duplicating in the past 25 to 50 years, don't you think you'd have some job security?

Well read this story about the scout who signed Albert Pujols.



He's now working at Walmart.

Shame on you, Cardinals.

Taking Offense- A Page From "The Wall"

What is up with this ad campaign? I think they are trying to make fun of iPod users by calling them chimps. Which I naturally resent. Am I wrong?


When I see things like this, all I can think of is the song "Another Brick In The Wall" by Pink Floyd.


You remember "Another Brick In The Wall", don't you? And that immortal line, "Hey, teacher (or if you really are British, pronounced teachah), leave us chimps alone!"?

Well I do.

So, hey, SanDisk, this ad is just another brick in the wall between us. iPod rules.

Do You Want Some Entertainment, But Don't Know Where To Turn?

Click here. Now THAT'S Entertainment!

Albert And The Onion

Hat tip to The Birdwatch.
No, it's not a new children's book. Read this article from The Onion. There's a reference to Albert Pujols at the end.

HEY, PEYTON MANNING- Where Are You?

Those who put themselves in the category of Christian need to take action this time. And what better way than to enlist the help of an athlete who has found himself in a similar circumstance. I'm talking about taking a page from the playbook of Peyton Manning.

Before someone yells at the computer "what in tarnation is this hack talking about?", allow me to 'splain.

It seems that resident "Christian" nutcase and false prophet Pat Robertson is at it again. He went in his hole and heard God speak to him again. So he's coming out and "prophesying" again.



This time he's predicting major storms will hit the US seaboard this year (duh?). I plan on watching the Weather Channel tonight to see if Jim Cantore has anything to say about this. And poor John Hope is probably spinning like a hurricane in his grave. (By the way, my wife once said she thought John Hope's hair was "pretty". But I digress).

Robertson even states a tsunami may hit the Pacific Northwest. I guess God hasn't made up His mind on that one. What's going on with that? He makes God sound like He's flying by the seat of His pants. Usually if God wants to do something, He just does it, right? He either is going to send a tsunami or not. Which is it Uncle Pat?
At any rate, we obviously need Peyton Manning or a guy like him. I'm willing to step up to the plate and be that individual if you'd like.

Why Peyton Manning? Well, if I have to explain, then you have a short memory. Sheesh, you make my job hard.

Early in the year 2003, Mike Vanderjagt, the Indianapolis Colts KICKER, spouted off like he was actually a football player or something, and questioned whether his coach and his quarterback had what it takes to win big games. Ludricous talk from a guy who runs on the field to kick the ball a few times a game.

So at the Pro Bowl that year, when asked about what Vanderjagt had said about him, Manning responded by calling him "our idiot kicker."

The full quote from Manning is as follows:
"Here we are. I'm out at my third Pro Bowl, I'm about to go in and throw a touchdown to Jerry Rice, we're honoring the Hall of Fame, and we're talking about our idiot kicker who got liquored up and ran his mouth off."

Did you hear that? What a great way to put things! Therefore, I suggest the following line be used by anyone who asks about what Robertson says now and in the future. Here goes:
"Here we are. I'm out in the world, I'm assaulted by all kinds of nonsense and heresies, there's all kinds of work that we should be doing and we're not, and we're talking about an idiot preacher who got liquored up and ran his mouth off."

Notice I used the word "an" in place of "our", 'cause we certainly don't claim him.

And maybe I shouldn't put in the part about liquored up. Probably isn't true, so I'll edit that out.

Okay, so here's the official Scottius Maximus press release the next time Pat Robertson crawls out and makes a ridiculous proclamation:


"Here we are. I'm out in the world, I'm assaulted by all kinds of nonsense and heresies, there's all kinds of work that we should be doing and we're not, and we're talking about an idiot preacher who ran his mouth off."

Mascot Mania

I feel like Chris Farley on The Chris Farley Show this week.

"Remember...remember when...um...the San Diego Chicken (gulp)...was popular?"

Ah, the famous Chicken.



Whatever happened to him?

Anyway, in the late '70s (1978 I believe) when mascots were taking off in baseball, the Cardinals got in on the act. The result was (trumpet sound, please):




Fredbird the Redbird.


Fredbird was originally supposed to be a zany character like the chicken, but soon became more of a picture mascot. That is to say, he really didn't do anything except walk around the stadium getting his picture taken with kids, some of whom were scared to death of him. And he did a little cheerleading. Now he does all this and helps the stadium girls fling gifts to the crowd between innings.

Now you can buy Fredbird dolls at the stadium. Kind of wild looking, eh?


Anyway, I ran across a nice summary of the history of Fredbird here. And an "interview" here. Happy reading, Fredbird fans.

Welcome To Nostalgia Central

Technically this probably doesn't qualify as nostalgia yet. But it is in keeping with the retro theme from yesterday.

Recently I was watching the Game Show Network and saw a clip of Bill Cullen, the most prolific game show host in history. I think I read where he had hosted more hours of game shows than anyone. It was not unusual for him to have more than one show on at a time. On different networks no less. The reason was obviously because people liked him.


You rarely saw him moving around onstage, as he was usually shown already seated on the set. This was due to problems walking resulting from polio as a child. Remember, kids, to get your immunizations.

As I was watching the clip of Bill Cullen, I started thinking of all the game shows I saw him host. And he not only hosted a lot, he appeared as a celebrity panelist on many others. Here are the ones I remember:
- The Price Is Right
- Three On A Match
- $10,000 Pyramid (guest)
- To Tell The Truth (guest and later host)
- Match Game (guest)
- Hot Potato
- Block Busters
- The Joker's Wild

And while on the subject of game shows, how about some obscure ones. Who else remembers...
- Celebrity Sweepstakes (Contestants bet on whether different celebrities would answer a question correctly, based on odds voted on by the audience)
- Cross Wits (Crossword gameshow, one of my very favorites)
- High Rollers (With a hippie dude Alex Trebek)

Alex: "Hey, baby!"

- Sale of the Century (With Joe Garagiola)
- Rhyme and Reason (I think celebrities made up rhyming words)
- Scrabble (Basically the board game with a few TV variations)
- Concentration (A memory game at which I used to excel and now stumble over)
- Split Second (Contestants answered questions with the winner given the chance to win a car at the end. This was the most exciting part of the show, as the winner would choose one of five cars at the end of the show and be given the keys to start it. If it started, they won).
- The New Treasure Hunt (Kind of like Let's Make A Deal, only the prizes were in boxes wrapped as gifts)
- Gambit (Just basically TV blackjack with married couples)
- Money Maze (A spectacularly stupid game show that sounded cool when I was a kid. One spouse would stand above a life size maze and direct the other spouse through the maze to find money towers hidden within the maze. But the greatest thing about it was that it was hosted by an incredibly goofy guy named Nick Clooney, brother of Rosemary and father of George. If you like George, you'll get over it by viewing this nerd).

Now that, my friends, is a lineup to make Game Show Network and TVLand proud.

Check out this website for hours of cool reading.

The only other question I have is this- does anyone have a copy of the $10,000 Pyramid episode where William Shatner plays the bonus round BY HIMSELF?!!! One of the funniest things I've ever seen, he would give a clue or two to an empty chair, and then jump over to the other side and give the answer. He became more and more frantic as time wound down, in typical over the top Shatner acting. And can remember him at one point jumping to the answer seat and causing it to fall over as he screamed "It's...it's...Parts Of An Eye!"

The truly funny thing was that, even though the answers were right in front of him, time ran out and HE DIDN'T EVEN WIN!

I Don't Know What Y'all Think About This

Your Linguistic Profile::

60% General American English

15% Dixie

10% Midwestern

10% Yankee

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Strange Change...Anybody Got Goop?

I happened across the little speech President Bush gave last night. And all I could think of was "Strange Change". Because it's strange that the President has done nothing since he took office to secure our borders, and yet now he called the situation "urgent". Like something earth-shattering has changed to make this so. Hence, Strange Change.

But anyhow, I digress. The real point of the post is just what it says: "Strange Change". Not the President. Just a good old fashioned toy from the 1960s that converted blocks of plastic into dinosaurs and other cool monsters.



You cannot find good fun like that today. Probably because of all the lawyers. You see, in order to get the monster out of the plastic block, a youngster had to stick this thing into an electric heating element. The monster would be "born", unfolding before one's eyes. Fun and danger all rolled up into one. What else could a kid ask for?

Click on the above link to read all about it. There is a lot of science that a homeschooler or a teacher could learn from it regarding polymers and the like.

A friend down the street on my block had a Strange Change machine. We all survived.

Although I didn't have Strange Change, I did have the wonderfully dangerous Thingmaker. With Thingmaker, you poured a colored plastic liquid called "Goop" into metal molds that you would then "cook" on another type of electric heating element. The heating would solidify the goop, and, voila, you'd have a bug, or insect, or whatever the mold was for. I think the platic was soft, stretchy, and yes, quite hot, when removed from the metal mold. The set I had was called "Creepy Crawlers."



Pretty cool stuff. As I remember, if you got tired of the worm or whatever you had made, you could melt the goop down again and mold it into something else. If only real life were that easy.

Kids. Electric heating elements. Liquids called "Goop" and plastic polymers that no doubt were carcinogenic. What a mixture. Boy, you couldn't beat growing up in the late 1960s.

Anybody else remember this?

Excuse Me, But What Planet IS THIS?

When were we all kidnapped to a planet that has giant carnivorous rabbits?



This is a real photo. Go to Snopes if you don't believe me.

We never had these things back on Earth.

And there's no way a rabbit gets this size from eating just plants. These things are going after meat, folks, including hairy primates.

If I ever see one in my yard, I'm staying in. Like, forever.


"Good idea, doc, good idea."

Here's A Real Big Hee Haw Salute

Scottius Maximus Enterprises salutes Sound Of Majesty.

Sound Of Majesty is a radio program on the Moody Broadcast Network. It runs for an hour a day. I often fall asleep at night listening to the music, which consists of classical music and hymns. Lots of organ music and choral arrangements. Some of the songs are truly majestic, helping me fall asleep serenely. They frequently play music from Concordia University, River Forest.

No CCM here. Just gorgeous music. Sometimes I wish they would play a CCM song next to one of these, just to expose it for what it is. But I guess that would be wrong. Here is last night's lineup, listing the song, artist, and CD on which it is found:

"Part I
1. O For A Thousand Tongues to Sing
Royal Choral Society
Songs of Praise: Your Favourite Hymns and Music

2. READING: The Quotable Lewis (Tyndale), No. 12

3. To God Be the Glory
Gerard Sundberg
Songs for the Journey

4. J.S. Bach: Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 in F, BWV 1047: I
Oregon Bach Festival Orchestra
The Complete Works of J.S. Bach (sampler CD)

5. Rachmaninoff: Gladsome Light (from Vespers, Op. 37)
Dale Warland Singers
Rachmaninoff Vespers

6. Harris: Bring Us, O Lord God
Choir of Clare College, Cambridge
Illumina

7. Jesus, the Light of the World
Kathleen Battle and Christopher Parkening
Angels’ Glory

8. Vivaldi: Sinfonia in G, RV 149: III
English Concert
Pachelbel: Canon and Gigue

Part II
1. Lift High the Cross
St. Michael’s Singers
Christ Triumphant

2. READING: “The Precious Blood” from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions (Banner of Truth)

3. On A Hill Far Away (The Old Rugged Cross)
Liverpool Cathedral Choir
Your Favourite Hymns

4. How Deep the Father’s Love for Us
Colin Balzer
My Heart, My Home

5. Variations on Thaxted by Holst
Camerata Chicago
“Suite” Beginnings

6. Day by Day, Thy Mercies Lord Attend Me
Augustana Choir
Favorite Hymns from Augustana

7. A Gaelic Blessing
Cambridge Singers
Be Thou My Vision"

You can even listen online. Just go here.

So here's to host Greg Wheatley and the program Sound Of Majesty:


"SAL-UTE! "

Endless Hours Of Fun Are On Their Way

The great Engadget has posted all things video game from this week.

First, Play Station 3 has a launch date of early November 2006. Just in time for Christmas season, of course. Read all about it here.

Then things get complicated, as we have Nintendo Wii (pronounced Wee) coming out also. Read all about it here.

I'm torn about all this. I'd like to have both. However, budgets being what they are, this is not reality. I have to choose.

I started out on Nintendo and Super NES. In 1998 we switched to Play Station, mostly because the games were more easily stored on compact discs than the bigger and more awkward Nintendo games.



However, this meant I have missed out on the newer Zelda games. Zelda is the single greatest video game series ever. And I've also missed Mario.

It's all so confusing to me. The new Zelda looks so intriguing.

But I have so much money invested in Play Station games, it would seem illogical to switch.

Right, Spock?

"Yes, such a change would be purely emotional, and most illogical."

Okay. Point well taken. I guess it's Play Station for us. Unless someone out there wants to spot me a few hundred so I can have both.

Just Wait Another Hundred Years

Teddy Roosevelt (a Rushmoreite, by the way) had this to say about immigration 100 years ago. Why can't it be again? I think we are too far gone now. I doubt this country will exist in another 100 years. So it's too bad we didn't pay heed to it.

From Mike Gallagher's website:

"Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907:

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people." Theodore Roosevelt 1907"

BEST...QUIZ...EVER!

With a hat tip to TK at Katie's Beer.



Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.


Here's the low down about "me":

"Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
You are Charles VI of France, also known as Charles the Mad or Charles the Well-Beloved!
A fine, amiable and dreamy young man, skilled in horsemanship and archery, you were also from a long line of dribbling madmen. King at 12 and quickly married to your sweetheart, Bavarian Princess Isabeau, you enjoyed many happy months together before either of you could speak anything of the other's language. However, after illness you became a tad unstable. When a raving lunatic ran up to your entourage spouting an incoherent prophecy of doom, you were unsettled enough to slaughter four of your best men when a page dropped a lance. Your hair and nails fell out. At a royal masquerade, you and your courtiers dressed as wild men, ending in tragedy when four of them accidentally caught fire and burned to death. You were saved by the timely intervention of the Duchess of Berry's underskirts.
This brought on another bout of sickness, which surgeons countered by drilling holes in your skull. The following months saw you suffer an exorcism, beg your friends to kill you, go into hyperactive fits of gaiety, run through your rooms to the point of exhaustion, hide from imaginary assassins, claim your name was Georges, deny that you were King and fail to recognise your family. You smashed furniture and wet yourself at regular intervals. Passing briefly into erratic genius, you believed yourself to be made of glass and demanded iron rods in your attire to prevent you breaking.
In 1405 you stopped bathing, shaving or changing your clothes. This went on until several men were hired to blacken their faces, hide, jump out and shout "boo!", upon which you resumed basic hygiene. Despite this, your wife continued sleeping with you until 1407, when she hired a young beauty, Odette de Champdivers, to take her place. Isabeau then consoled herself, as it were, with your brother. Her lovers followed thick and fast while you became a pawn of your court, until you had her latest beau strangled and drowned.
A severe fever was fended off with oranges and pomegranates in vast quantities, but you succumbed again in 1422 and died. Your disease was most likely hereditary. Unfortunately, you had anywhere up to eleven children, who variously went on to develop capriciousness, great cruelty, insecurity, paranoia, revulsion towards food and, in one case, a phobia of bridges."

More Around The Horn

Lutheran posts are coming out of the woodwork like they were stuck up in a tree without a paddle. Or something like that.

On the heels of yesterday's Around The Horn comes an avalanche of good posts for the weekend:

1. TK at Be Strong In The Grace posts about her son's confirmation and first communion.

2. Dan(atNR) posts about the National Day Of Prayer and what it lacks. Who exactly these people were praying to is beyond me. Leave it to Americans to mess up a good idea. There's a nice reference to Luther's Large Catechism in the post.

3. Beggars All posts on ugly (and I do mean ugly) church architectural designs.

4. And check out another good Beggars All post on Lutherans vs Pietists, via Beckfest.

5. Pastor McCain on the Cubs' bad century. And another good post about the National Day of Prayer.

6. Pastor Snyder answers questions about the Age Of Accountability belief of some Christians.


Blessings to all and have a great weekend!

Nice Try, Keith

You have to give Keith Richards an "A" for originality. Falling out of a palm tree is something even Ozzy Osbourne doesn't have on his to do list.


But he's got a long way to go to overtake Ozzy's exploits. Here's a previous post on that topic.

Anyway, let's pray for both of them, ay?

Battle Of The Mt. Rushmores

A very interesting discussion has been going on this week on ESPN Radio's Mike And Mike Program.

The discussion relates to Mt. Rushmore, a monument to 4 great presidents: Washington, Jefferson, T. Roosevelt, and Lincoln, of course. The two Mikes have been debating a hypothetical "Mt. Sportsmore", a fictional monument that would be carved out to depict the greatest sports icons of all time.

The question is this: of all the figures that have crossed the American sports scene, what four deserve the honor of being carved out of the mythical "Mt. Sportsmore"? These would have to be athletes who not only exceled at what they did, but transcended sports to become part of the American culture for all time.

There are two obvious choices. Babe Ruth and Muhammad Ali. I don't think anyone would argue the "immortality" of these two icons. But what other two athletes belong there are open to debate.

Possibilities include Jackie Robinson, Mickey Mantle, Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio, Jim Thorpe, Jim Brown, Michael Jordan, Bill Russell, Magic Johnson, Joe Louis, and Jesse Owens. Who else? No OJ jokes, please.

Personally, if I get to do the artwork, I'll put up:
1. Babe Ruth.
2. Muhammad Ali.
3. Joe Louis.
4. Jesse Owens.

Realizing the endless possibilities to this concept, why not expand this idea to include the following, other, "Rushmores".

The Rock Music Mt. Rushmore ("Mt. Rockmore?")- The four greatest, most influential artists.
Again, if they commisioned me to do this, it would be:
1. Elvis.
2. Chuck Berry.
3. John Lennon.
4. Mick Jagger.

The Hollywood Mt. Rushmore ("Mt. Starmore?") - The most noteworthy movie stars.
1. Clark Gable.
2. Marilyn Monroe.
3. Sean Connery.
4. Katherine Hepburn.

The TV Mt. Rushmore ("Mt. Tubemore?") - The most superlative television stars.
1. Lucille Ball.
2. Desi Arnaz.
3. Michael Landon.
4. Johnny Carson.


Okay, your turn. Agree with me or rip me to shreds for my choices. But remember, I have a chisel, and I'm planning on starting today, so what you think is really a moot point anyway.

Now let's see, there has to be some big ol' "rocks" around here somewhere...

Somebody Call Simon

Ladies and Gentlemen:
We present to you...

THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!

Uh, no, this isn't me, nor is it representative of any Cardinals fan. Except when they've had one too many.

And do you think the Cardinals' following has no international legs? Check out this photo from the illegal immigrant protests.


Hat tip to The Birdwatch for both of these gems.

Around The Horn

Interesting posts abound in the Lutheran Universe:

1. Gene Edward Vieth has taken a new job to be Academic Dean at Patrick Henry College. Three cheers for the V-meister!

2. Athanasius of Alexandria is remembered at the ol' Aardvark's lair (den, hole?...I'm quite sure it's not tree). Athanasius was an essential contributor to our Nicene Creed. The Athanasian Creed is named after him.

3. Favorite Apron has two great posts. The first about her 2 year old's singing the Agnus Dei. Let's all sing with her shall we:
"Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of world,
have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of world,
grant us peace."

Then a post about the most intriguing election I've ever heard of. And that would be the election between candidates Luther and Pope in Ohio's 61st district. Luther wins of course. As he always does.

4. And, lastly, but certainly not leastly(?), Lutheran Lucy brings out the hope and gospel from the sorrow of Lamentations.

Another Recurring "Nightmare"

Last year I posted about recurring dreams I keep having, one involving a phone. Not really nightmares, but frustrating dreams. But there is an even scarier thought I keep having that is worse than these. That involves my cell phone.

My business partner and I have Nextel phones. One of my recurring daytime dreams is that I will leave it on during church. Not because it might accidentally ring during church. While that might be a little annoying and slightly embarrassing, it would not cause any long term distress.

You see, these are the Walkie-Talkie phones. Meaning if I accidentally leave it on, my partner might, unknowingly mind you, attempt to contact me during church. And while he is a great guy, his language is sometimes...how should I put this? Not church-appropriate would be a good description. And the volume of his voice only has medium and high settings.

I can just see this picture in my mind of the entire congregation, kneeling in confession before the Lord, when suddenly, my Walkie-Talkie beeps. Before I can grab it and turn it off, a few nuclear bomb words are set off in the sanctuary, echoing two, maybe three, times before falling silent against my dumbfounded face. Is it possible to be white as a sheet and beet red simultaneously?



It would go down something like this:
"[Very Loudly] Hey, Mark, you there? You're not going to believe what just ----ing happened to me. Call me, if you can hear me on this piece of ----."

At that point, I'm praying for the ground to please swallow me up like it did those people in Numbers.

Lord, please keep it from happening in the first place.

A New Personality Quiz?

I have a novel idea. I'm going to ask a question, and your response will be determined by your personality.

If I say the phrase, "garden shots", what comes to your mind?


A. Basketball at Madison Square Garden?



B. Boxing at Madison Square Garden?



C. A drinking contest in someone's flower bed?



D. Photos from my garden.

Okay, so this was just a cheap ruse to post some pictures of my garden. What about it?

Blooming Vinca, with their beautiful little blue flowers.


Sky Jacket Hyacinths- A Close Up


Hyacinths and early blooming daffodils from early April, with some sedums and grasses emerging.


Early morning in one of the tulip beds around Easter. These are called Big Smile. Probably because they are big. They're well over 2 feet tall.


Triumph Red Tulips in another bed in early morning.