New Holiday

Ever hear of the great American smoke-out?

I'm proposing something different.

I'm going to call it...the Great American Blog-out.

On that day, no one goes to work. It's completely skipped. So what do we do? We blog. All day.

Anyone interested?

And I've got the perfect day for it, too. I propose January 1st. Spread the word.

iPod Criminals

From Engadget. Via Sydney Morning Herald.

"Australia's new copyright bill looks like it could soon be causing sleepless nights for anyone that owns an iPod or other digital audio player if its enacted in its current form, with strict limitations that could seemingly affect individuals whether they know they're infringing on copyright or not. Under the harshest penalty, The Sydney Morning Herald Reports, an individual can face up to five years in jail and a fine of AUD$65,000 if he/she possesses "a device, intending it to be used for making an infringing copy of a work or other subject-matter." What's more, under "strict liability provisions", you can be hit with a $6,600 fine or ticketed by police on the spot to the tune of $1320 simply for possessing infringing material, even if you didn't know you were violating copyright. While there were recently exceptions made to permit CD ripping, even those are apparently too limiting to be workable, according to Intellectual Property Research Institute associate director Kim Weatherall, permitting just one "main copy" of a CD -- meaning that you couldn't have a copy on both your iPod and computer. In related news, none other than Bill O'Reilly recently came out against the iPod, and he's got more problems with it than copyright infringement. On his radio show last week, O'Reilly said that he doesn't own an iPod and would never "wear" one, adding that (also referring to his earlier comments the PS3) "if this is your primary focus in life - the machines... it's going to have a staggeringly negative effect, all of this, for America." Some Americans, it would seem, disagree."

So here's to you, Australian mates. If you wind up in the pokey, just remember this little ditty from Australia's most famous band, which I post here in your honor. By the way, you can't miss Angus's outfit in this one. The first good look comes around the 1:20 mark. No school boy outfit, but what looks like a one piece pajama thing. Hilarious stuff. I laugh out loud every time I see this video. Fantastic stuff. Enjoy.

Why Am I Always The Last To Know?

Saturday I was shopping for groceries with Lucy. I won't give the name of the store. But it rhymes with Clam's Sub.

So I'm checking out at the counter, and I notice that as each item is scanned, the name of the item appears on a tiny screen before me along with the price.

When the checker gets to the gallons of milk, I notice the phrase "Homo Milk" each time the Vitamin D whole milk is scanned.

So I think to myself, what the heck is this all about?

Does this scanner have some kind of invisible "Homo" radar that is on the fritz? Or is there something about myself that I don't know?

Fortunately, there aren't a lot of people in the store at that early hour, but nonetheless I'm finding myself scouting around for anyone who might be getting the wrong idea about me.

Then the chicken breasts get scanned and I don't see the words "Homo Chicken". So then I think to myself, hey, maybe it's not labeling me afterall. But that means that the scanner is calling the milk itself "Homo."

Is that possible? Is there "Homo" milk? What is that? Milk "blessed" by someone who is homosexual? Or can food, like humans, be "Homo"? Maybe we have homosexual cows?

But since cows are females, wouldn't that technically be called "Lesbian" milk? Didn't see that phrase pop up on the scanner one time. Maybe the milk has the power to make one "Homo"? Or can "non-Homo" milk become "Homo", such as in the cheese or butter making processes? In other words, conversion.

At that point my mind was off to the races, and I just wanted to get out of the store. But when I glanced at the ticket, there it was, the same thing in black and white. "Homo Milk". Curse you, Clam's Sub, for making me worry so much on a Saturday.

If you have such a store nearby, go buy some Vitamin D whole milk and see what YOU get.

I know one thing. I'm not drinking that stuff.

Week 12 NFL Picks

Last week's record was 9-7. This left me with a record of 96-64 for the year. I then had these picks for Thanksgiving:
Detroit
Dallas
Kansas City

This left me 2-1 so far this week, overall 98-65. Compared to the NFL Experts at ESPN, this leaves me ahead of only Hoge and Mortensen and tied with Golic and Allen. But I am also only two games back of the leaders, Schlereth and Jaworski, so a productive week could still catapult me to the top. It also means that my second win today will be my 100th of the season. Which coming in week twelve is not so good compared to seasons past.

On to Sunday:
Minnesota
Carolina
Chicago
Cleveland
Jets
Jacksonville
Atlanta
Giants
Indianapolis
Baltimore
St. Louis
San Diego
Seattle

You Know That Big Bag Of Dum Dums I Got For My Birthday This Month?

I'd give it an 89. It has a good beat and it's easy to dance with.

I love the new flavors. I was getting kind of tired of the same ol' same ol'. Like cherry and strawberry, root beer and butterscotch. Not that there's anything wrong with these. Just that I sometimes am in the mood for something new in my suckers.

That's why I was so surprised with this bag. There are new flavors. I like the new coconut-pineapple, banana, cotton candy, bubble gum, chocolate, and cherry cola.

However, there are a few that either need left out of the next bag, or need a major overhaul.

I'm talking about...
"Anchovies"
"Cole slaw"
"Habanero"
"Colby cheese"
"Catfish"
"Curry"
"Squirrel soup"
"Purina"
"Venison"
"Butterbean"
"Sweat"
"Hangover"
"Garfield"
"Kielbasa". Wait a minute, this one wasn't too bad.
"Spinach"
"Deviled Egg"

Try them. You'll see what I mean.

It's Okay To Start Looking

Now that Thanksgiving's been dispatched, you can begin your Scottius Maximus Christmas gift shopping.

The first thing on my list kind of terrifies me. It is, in fact, a cartoon. A Russian movie cartoon from the 1950s. When I was a youngin' during the late '60s or early '70s, I remember it coming on the Early Show, a local "Dialing For Dollars" program from 3 p.m. until 5 p.m. that showed movies.

My mom wouldn't let me watch it when it came on. There must have been a disclaimer at the beginning of the movie saying that young children should not be allowed to watch it. I couldn't understand why I was not being allowed to watch a cartoon. Of all the things not to be able to watch. Usually the movies shown were way over my head. Like "African Queen". What young child watches that? But I wanted to see this cartoon. I remember being a little upset about it. Until...

About a year or two later it came back on again. Of course I was not allowed to watch it. This time I had a plan. I snuck down in to our basement where another TV loomed. Our basement was very dark, and the TV was a black and white. This definitely added to the degree of fearsomeness of the scenes I was about to be confronted with. On the tube I saw some evil ice woman after a couple of kids, and after less than 10 minutes the TV was off and I was RUNNING back up the stairs with the lights still on. One of the scariest things I had seen up to that point, no doubt.

As the years have gone by, I've grown curiouser and curiouser about what exactly this movie is about. So I looked it up on Amazon and IMDB. And at age 43, I think it's about time I faced my demons. So I found it.

Up first on the Christmas list this year..."The Snow Queen."

An Imploration For Anyone Reading This Message

I implore you to celebrate Thanksgiving this year by getting enough to eat. I know, I know, a lot of you are planning on fasting tomorrow. But why? Do me a favor, please. Forget all that nonsense. Eat, drink, and be merry. For you and I know not if we will even be here to celebrate another Thanksgiving next year.

So take seconds. Take thirds. Heck, take fourths. Fatten up like you've never eaten before and never will again. Because we may never be here again.

Please. Eat well. Do it for me, will ya? That's all I ask of you. Don't make me beg.

NFL Week 11

Last week was 9-7. Overall 87-57. Compared to the ESPN Experts, I am still a couple games behind Jaws, one game behind Schlereth, and tied with Golic. Some of you may be asking yourselves, "How is Lutheran Lucy doing?" She is doing just fine, thanks. And thanks for asking.

Oh, you thought I meant football? Okay. Now remember, she is just doing this because I asked her to, which is mighty sporting, but she actually has a better record than all of us the past 5 weeks. Overall she is 78-66. Not bad considering she doesn't know much football. So why don't more of you try your hand? And her record is actually better than ESPN Expert Chris Mortensen's 77-67.

On to this week:

Baltimore
Houston
Chicago
New Orleans
Indianapolis
Miami
New England
Kansas City
Cleveland (upset special!)
Carolina
Philadelphia
Tampa Bay
Arizona
Seattle
Denver
Jacksonville

Congratulations!

Way to go Buckeyes. Conquering "evil" Michigan yet again.

And the hits keep rollin' this year. I'm hoping the sports team roll I'm on right now doesn't stop before the Bears win the Super Bowl in early 2007.

In honor of their win, Scottius Maximus Entertainment, another wholly owned subsidiary of Scottius Maximus Enterprises, is proud to rip....errrrr...present a video off of YouTube. Here is The Ohio State Marching Band performing their famous signature formation "Script Ohio". I'm not even an Ohioan and I got chills watching this before the Big Game yesterday.

The Worm Has Turned Again...On "The Mike Douglas Show 2006"

"Okay, we're back. And I'm pleased to welcome back to the show today that action ape, the primary primate, and childish chimp, Scottius Maximus. At the end of his first year of blogging, the world was sharply divided on what it all meant. So this November, Mr. Scottius has chosen 'The Mike Douglas Show' to celebrate the close of his 2nd year in the great blogatorium. Let's give him a big hand."




"Thanks, Mr. Douglas. Umm, where's Lisa and Eb?

MD: "Sorry, wrong show, Mr. MENSA."

SM: "Whoops."

MD: "So, besides avoiding what seemed to be certain cancellation, what do you consider your greatest achievement in blogging over these two years?"

SM: "Funny you should ask. Because I've written a song about some of my blogging accomplishments."

MD: "That couldn't have taken long."

SM: "About as long as your comb-over, Mike."

MD: "Would you like some accompaniment?"

SM: "Yes, sir, just as long as it's not Yoko."

MD: "Without further ado, then, here's Scottius Maximus singing "MY WAY"-- Wait a minute, wasn't that already a song?"

SM: "I've done some things to it...my way. Get it?"

MD: "Oh, I'm afraid we're all about to 'get it'. Frank Sinatra would take you out if he were still alive. Gee, you're not at all self-absorbed, are you?"

SM: "Maestro?

("MY WAY", words by Scottius Maximus, sung to the tune of a song called "My Way.")

And now, it's been two years, and so it's here, my 'blogiversary'.
700 posts, but you'll see that most
Were really rotten...best left forgotten.
Posts about me, H-G-T-V, Kirk's Kidney Stone, Barry Manilow.
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Bad songs, I wrote a few
Superhero I...Superhero II.
Real Men Of Genius, you'd like to mute... 2-0-2-5, and My Blogs Salute.
I penned...Stairway To Hell. How could you miss...Castaway Mel?
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, UFOs...cartoon heroes,
Some bagpipe rock...and TV flops.
More Mt. Rushmores, and Mike Shannon lore,
There's Jacques Rogge...and Matt Foley.
Don't like it here? Then drink more beer.
I did it my way.

Old timer games...and Ozzy's shames,
The World Series; Tolkien allegories.
Such bad haiku, band names that blew. I have to ask...is that smell you?.
To think, I did all that, and may I say --- not in a shy way,
Oh no, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For 'Random Thoughts', speeches uttered not.
And the Arch walk...some Pirate Talk.
I'm dateline dazed, but not Ablaze!
Why don't you see...I hate rugby!
Isn't it plain, that I'm not insane?---
I did it my way.

I did it- my way!"

(Crowd roars approval)

Thank you all! It's been a blast. I've "met" a lot of great people here and out there. Here's to all of you who've stopped by and commented...Lucy, TK, Barb, Quipper, Marie N, Des Moines Girl, Rebecca, Designated Knitter, Dan At Necessary Roughness, Angus G Van Halen, Aardvark, Ask The Pastor, Karen McL, Terrible Swede, Dan Up, Favorite Apron, FatherDMJ...and, of course, Anonymous. If I forgot you, forgive me...but you should comment more often, then!

Blessings!

Funny Stuff Friday!

"Memories..."

Thanks, Babs.

So anyway, I'm reading TK's blog and she has this post about David Hasselhoff and his LSD induced video. And it reminds me of those special effects and backgrounds from SNL when a Toonces or Lothar skit was on. It's THAT bad!

Well, this reminded me of the glory years of SNL, with Mike Myers and Dana Carvey. And this reminded me of Wayne's World. And one of the funniest movies ever. Which reminded me of this great scene. Bohemian Rhapsody in the Mirth Mobile!


Which reminded me of the music store. "No Stairway?!!! DENIED!" Fender Stratocasters and Garth on drums. Awesome.

And finally, I'm remembering the opening scene. "The Suck Cut!"

This is the kind of stuff Al Gore invented the internet for. I LOVE YOUTUBE!

Are You Experienced?

Gosh, nothing like that. Gee whiz, people.

What I mean is, what experience does anyone have with the new Internet Explorer 7.0 browser? I am trying it out right now. So far I haven't been impressed. It's already crashed on me once. And the font colors are weird. For instance, if I have the light on, blue looks like purple, but if the room is dark it looks normal.

Does this mean I should stick with Firefox? Or is there something better out there? If you have experience, please let me know.

Another Random Where Did That Come From What The Heck Is That About Post

Today is the birthday of Anni-Frid "Frida" Lyngstad. She is 61.

And I dig microphones that look like green apples on a stick.

Now...DANCE!

Week 10 NFL Picks

This season, treacherous for trying to pick winners, finally produced a .500 week for me again in week 9. I was 7-7. Overall for the year, I am 78-50. Compared to the ESPN NFL "Experts", that seems to be about average. Only Jaworski, who had a 9-5 record last week, has a better overall record at 81-47. I am tied with Schlereth and Golic for second. As unpredictable as this year has been, I'll take it. So let's try it again:

Baltimore
Indianapolis
Chicago
Atlanta
Minnesota
Jacksonville
Kansas City
New Orleans
New England
San Diego
Detroit
Philadelphia
Denver
Dallas
Seattle
Carolina

Remember Jimmy?

That guy on Seinfeld who always referred to himself in third person? "Jimmy's getting upset!" "Jimmy likes you."


Well, this post isn't about him. Thankfully.


Nope. But this Jimmy is who I'm talking about. The one who has worn birds on a bat the past 7 seasons. The one who has turned down beaucoup outside money to stay in St. Louis and play for the Cardinals. Despite being a "California dude." I think he likes it here.


Welcome back, Jimmy. He will now retire as a Cardinal. I think.

I Didn't Think I'd Get To Use This Generator Again Until 2008

Disgusted about politics? Realize that neither the Republican Party Or Democrat Party hold the keys to anything other than misery? That it's the same trough, only now with different hogs?

Well fret no more! Read this. Then get on the bandwagon...

Part 9 - What It's Like To Win The World Series, King Of Beers Style

Part 8- What It's Like To Win The World Series, Celebration Style

Part 1


Part 2


Part 3


Part 4


Part 5

Part 7- What It's Like To Win The World Series- Van Halen "Dreams" Style

Part 6- What It's Like To Win The World Series- "Iris" By The Goo Goo Dolls Style

Part 5- What It's Like To Win The World Series, Requiem For A Dream Style

Part 4- What It's Like To Win The World Series- Dancing In The Streets Style

Part 3- What It's Like To Win The World Series- No Ticket So I'll Watch From The Stadium Parking Garage Style

Part 2- What It's Like To Win The World Series, Japanese Style

So, So, what are your thoughts?



Anyone dare to give an interpretation?


Oh, that So, he is such a jokester!

Part 1- What It's Like To Win The World Series, Bleacher Style

Since I didn't get to go, I have to live vicariously through others. There are lots of these videos now on YouTube. Thanks to Johnsebben for this one. Make sure you put on your raincoat and rubbers before watching this, lest you get soaked by the flying "easy-drinking" Bud Light. Boy, you just gotta love "bleacher people."

Random Thoughts On A Beautifully Gray Fall Day

Nice rhyme, ay?

Whatever happened to the Bunnie?

Tired of smashed eggs? I'm tired of waiting for Lutheran Lucy to find a dozen eggs that have no cracks when we go to the store. But I've got the solution. Ready? "Eggs In A Can".

Further proof of creation rather than evolution? Our taste buds are in our mouths. We do not have them in our stomachs. Or bowels, for that matter. Life is hard enough.

Why does our perception of time change as we get older? Everything starts whizzing by, whereas children seem to think everything takes forever.

Speaking of children and time perception, one of the worst experiences for a male child is to be taken along while an adult shops. Ughh, bad memories.

Speaking of time yet again, is a dog's perception of time such that each "real year" seems like the proverbial "7 dog years" to it? What about insects? Is their perception such that their 3 day life span seems like 3 score years? Do insects even ponder such things?

Apples and pears are so similar, how come there's no pear sauce? Or pear cider? And why not peach or watermelon sauce?

I bet I could make a million with the following idea. You know those leaf bags that we use in fall to put the leaves in for the garbageman? Have you ever noticed that they are long and thin? So you grab a handful of leaves and try to stuff it in a hole at the top of the bag that is just too small for the bunch you lifted. Well I'd design bags that are short and fat at the top, making it 10 times easier to fill them up.

Have you ever taken one of those personality quizzes (short version) where they give you 4 letters to describe your personality? I'm an ISFJ. I think, for the 21st century, we should base personality on who we like better in particular rock bands. For instance, lead singers, such as in AC/DC and Van Halen. I'm a BS guy. Ummmm...that stands for Bon and Sammy, folks. I think.

I'm always a little disgusted when someone describes their sputum as "creamy". Pick another word. It's no wonder 'Cream of Mushroom' soup doesn't have the appeal it once did.

I've got news for you all. If you've ever told your doctor something that disgusted you to talk about, chances are he's or she's grossed out, too. But if they're good they don't show it.

Some TV meteorologists are AMS certified. Some are NWA certified. It reminds me of wrestling in the '90s. You know, NWO vs. WWF. Hey, this is a good idea for a new reality show. Ditch "Dancing with the Stars". How about "Wrestling With The Weathermen"?

I've learned about clowns at DMG's blog. I'm quite scared of clowns for 3 reasons. 1) A weirdo circus clown dude who briefly married into distant family. 2) Gacy. 3) That Stephen King TV movie "The It". They were all "circus"-type clowns. But DMG is an August clown. Pronounced like Au Jus, but with a hard 'g'.

Are they having the 'Superhero' reality show next year?

In every significant conversation of my adult life, I've ended up using TV or movie lines at some point.
Let me show you some examples. Try one in your next conversation. Or maybe you have a few of your own. But to count, you must say it like the character.
"Irresponsible rumor."- Thurston Howell from Gilligan's Island.
"So I got that going for me...which is nice." "He's the Cinderella boy..."- Carl Spackler from Caddyshack.
"Mighty careless of you, old man." - The no name drifter in A Few Dollars More.
"Lighten up, Francis."- Sgt. Hulka from Stripes.
"There must be some needy bald people." - Laura Petrie from The Dick Van Dyke Show.
"Shut up, Mel!" - Alan Brady from The Dick Van Dyke Show.
"Uhhh...hey, baby!...huhh huhhh huhhh." "Shut up, Beavis, I was about to score." - Butthead.
"No joke, Tuco. It's a rope." - -'Blondie' in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
"My advice to you is to begin drinking heavily." - -Bluto in Animal House.
"It's the X-factor." -Obscure I Dream Of Jeannie reference.
"Why, thank you, Mrs. Cleaver." -Eddie Haskell from Leave It To Beaver.
"Whatcha talkin' 'bout Willis." -Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes.
"HOW AW YA?!!!" - Eugene Levy's comedian guy who's name escapes me, on the Sammy Maudlin Show from SCTV.
"That was REALLY scary!" -Count Floyd from SCTV.
"Use your head, man!"- Barney Fife stumbling through the emancipation proclamation on Andy Griffith.

There are some days where I won't mutter an original thought all day. Just an endless stream of lines. And no one notices. 'Cause I got a million of them!

Speaking of lines..."I see dead people" is a famous one. Some people say this is a movie line, but I'm not so sure. I seem to remember this as the line that ended the children's TV show 'Romper Room'. At the end of the show the host would get out the magic mirror and look through it and name off the first names of the children she saw, like "I see Jimmy, I see Sara, I see Fred..." That sort of thing. Until the above line was uttered. Never saw that program on TV after that. Anybody else remember this?

Speaking of the 'Romper Room' magic mirror, "I see Lucy, I see TK, I see Barb, I see Quipper, I see Marie, I see Des Moines Girl..."

Speaking of childhood, remember those scenery boards that had vinyl cutouts that you would stick on the board to make your own picture?

Did I mention today was my birthday? From the references in this post, can anyone guess my age? Lucy is disqualified.

What A Difference A Year Makes

It was a year ago today that Busch Stadium's demolition began. What a depressing winter. Gone with the familiar, the gray old lady with so many great memories. In with an unfinished ballpark with no tradition or memories. Plus lots of player turnover- 3 new position players out of 8. No one knew what was going to happen. But only a true fan's most optimistic dreams could have predicted the outcome.

Fast forward a year. All is right with the world.



And new jokes abound.

Q- What's the difference between the Cubs and the Cardinals?

A- The Cardinals have celebrated a championship in their new ballpark.

NFL Picks Week 9

In a further attempt to embarass myself, here are this week's picks. I was a lofty 5-9 last week, making me 71-43 for the year. Everyone except Theisman, Schlereth, Mortensen, and Allen are laughing at me.

Atlanta
Baltimore
Dallas
Buffalo
Giants
St. Louis
Chicago
New Orleans
Jacksonville
Minnesota
San Diego
Pittsburgh
New England
Seattle

Due Your Duty

Just remember, if all else looks hopeless this election day, if you're sick and tired of it all, and there's no one who looks appealing...













Hat tip to Karen McL for the link.



"Uhhh...huh huh huh huh...he said..."duty"....uhhh...huh huh huh huh...uhhh...huh huh huh."

Practicing For The 2007 Olympics

I don't mean to brag, but I've been chosen, after paying a substantial fee, to light the torch to open the 2007 Winter Olympics. I'm just waiting for the call to let me know where I'm supposed to go. I haven't been able to find it anywhere on Google.

Odds And Ends

Here are a cool picture and some stories that have been posted on Cardinals Clubhouse, and a video from Redbird Central.




Some jokes from Jay Leno:
"Of course tonight they are playing a lot of scary programs. Nightmare on Elmstreet is on. Texas Chainsaw massacre is on. Though in Detroit to scare people they are just rerunning the World Series

David Eckstein is here. He’s a little guy. In fact, right after she saw him play, Madonna tried to adopt him. She ran out on the field and held him……"


Here's Eckstein on Leno. You'll need Real Player.
I love the story about how he got so much flack from the media for not taking off and sitting out on Yom Kippur, a la Shawn Green . Eckstein just said, "I'm not Jewish."